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I had my first al-anon meeting last night - I found it hard to control my emotions & found myself tearfully explaining my situation to a group of people I had only just met. I don't even think I articulated it very well as I was sobbing. I feel embarrassed now & scared to go back. I could just picture my alcoholic ex -partner rolling his eyes at me & thinking what a drama queen I was being. My judgement is just so impaired at the moment :(
You sound like me! I went to my first meeting a week ago. Small group of only 4 people. The prayer started and I started balling! I didn't even TALK and I started crying! They were so nice! I actually ended up talking more than I thought I would. What did I have to lose after that opening act.
SaraLin, I cried uncontrollably at daily al-anon meeitngs for two weeks straight before I could even say my name. That was nearly 9 years ago and I still sometimes cry my way through a meeting. The beauty of crying at al-anon is that the group lets you do it. No one rolls their eyes, no one thinks anything but compassionate thoughts (having been there themselves/ourselves). I hope you'll keep attending -- al-anon changed my life and has made life so much better for so many of us!
Don't be embarrassed. If you were too numb or sealed over to cry, that would be a bigger problem. I am a guy and I completely broke down during my first meeting....
(((Sara))) - good on you for going! I too cried for a while when I first arrived. I finally told myself that if I was going to break-down and sob about my life, situation, family, etc. at least Al-Anon was a safe place to do so. There is absolutely no shame in honesty, truth and pain - please keep going back! I agree with pinkchip - it would be a bigger problem is you were too numb to feel.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I could just picture my alcoholic ex -partner rolling his eyes at me & thinking what a drama queen I was being. My judgement is just so impaired at the moment :(
Hi Sara,
You have gotten wonderful experience, strength and hope above. All I can add is that, after a few meetings, my worry about my alcoholic wife left me and I found I could focus on me. Before that I also felt my judgment was impaired, and it was, but not in the way I thought it was - I found out my judgment was impaired by worrying about what my qualifier and others thought of me, instead of what I knew was right.
Hi Sara. I also cried before the first meeting, during the first meeting and after on the way home. And I will admit that I have cried often during meetings and so have many, many others. It is just such a relief to talk to people who truly 'get' what you are living and know your despair. Please, please keep coming back because you will move beyond the tears.
I think the more meetings you go to the more you will see others crying. At my first meeting I didn't say a word but when I was walking out a member asked me who my qualifier was. That one questions opened up the flood gates and I was balling for an hour to him. I continued to be emotional every time I shared but that is totally normal. Especially for those of us that have bottled up our feelings for so long. Please try not to feel embarrassed. I think you will find that people in your meeting with understand and will want to support you. Crying in meetings is totally normal. After 1.5 years in the program I can still get emotional when I share. I have also been at meetings when men have been crying to. We all need to feel our emotions and meetings are a very safe place to do that.
Every AlAnon meeting I've been to has a box of tissues in the center of the room. That's because crying is a normal part of the process. Everyone there has either cried, or felt like crying, at one time or another as we talk about what has happened to our lives. Sometimes we are so upset that we can't put our thoughts together clearly. Everyone understands. Keep going back!
I did the same thing at my first meeting. I cried and cried.. Everyone there understands the point that you are at, you don't need to be embarrassed.
SaraLin wrote: I could just picture my alcoholic ex -partner rolling his eyes at me & thinking what a drama queen I was being. My judgement is just so impaired at the moment :(
^^ This might be true, but it does not matter.
My family used the same tactic. Drama queen, basket case, nuts, crazy.. All words used to make you second guess your gut feelings. "Something is wrong here, I can feel it, but the alcoholic is telling me that I'm dramatic"... so we continue on in the chaos.
Step 1 : "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." -- to me, this meant understanding that I had let some pretty messy people dictate what I was to see as right and wrong. I felt like my life was out of control, I couldn't go on like that anymore. I knew deep down in my gut what the problem was, but I kept listening to those harmful voices calling me a drama queen, and for years they were enough to stop me from getting help.
You've done a great thing for yourself! Cry as much as you need to and let the healing begin. No one will judge you here. ((hugs))
-- Edited by sarahGee on Wednesday 26th of October 2016 11:05:04 AM
SaraLin,
I am sure many, many of us can say we cried through a meeting, and I can say assuredly, depending on the week, I still do on occasion. Yesterday at my F2F meeting there was a woman so broken by her circumstances that I cried right along with her. I have been where she was yesterday, and I remember the feelings so well. It was my time to offer her my sympathy, empathy and compassion. I spoke my truth yesterday and that was this, when we are in the middle of a big situation or crisis, our world tends to get very small. At our Al-Anon meetings we have the opportunity to expand that world a bit, even if it is just for that hour. It allows us a bit of room to breathe. And for many of us, we haven't taken a good breath in a long time. So relax in the meeting and know that this is a safe place to be, feel, speak, listen and cry if needed.
Be gentle with yourself and keep coming back. Miracles happen in those rooms.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Don't feel embarrassed. I have done this at most meetings I have shared at. I rarely share as I have a hard time saying anything about my life lately without crying. But I can say it's getting better. A lot of the time I just go and listen I find a lot of comfort in that. Keep going it helps! I know that if I do it will just build my concordance and eventually I can spill my guts.
I'm currently trying to not let my fear stop me from going to meetings. I have gone to about 7 meetings in the last few weeks for the first time in many years. Do I feel a little (ok, a lot) uncomfortable and a little out of place at meetings? Hell yeah!! In the past, I allowed this (my fear) to stop me from going to meetings 25 years ago. 25 years later, a lot older and I am sad when I think of all the bs I could have avoided if I had just decided back then that I was tired of allowing my fear to make decisions for me. For whatever reason, I wasn't ready to face myself. Since expressing feelings were a big no no when I was growing up (and for many, if not most at the meetings), it will take me a while before I will be able to articulate them in a group setting like that but I am willing to give myself the time that it takes to get there.
The bottom line is that I feel better after meetings having listened to people who have struggled or are struggling with issues that are very similar to mine. When I leave a meeting I feel centered and hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that motivates me to keep coming back.
Good luck to you!
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How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours.
(((SaraLin))) Pleeeeassse don't do that to yourself! You are so not alone and there is no need to be embarrassed for having feelings and being upset. I cried through my first several meetings and on other occasions simply could not raise my hand because I was too teary and overwhelmed. I have seen many others in the same condition, so while i felt vulnerable and like a total hot mess, I can say I felt that others in these rooms understood because we've walked in the same shoes... or similar shoes. On top of all that you're surely going through, please do not add self-attack to the list of true reasons to be upset. Give yourself a break. You are allowed to be emotional, and with al-anon you are in the right place.
You did just what you needed to do.....talk to people....tell people....let people help you. We have all been there....heck I cried my eyes out my first time.
You keep going and keep helping yourself
(( hugs ))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I spent my first couple of meetings imagining XA behind me, listening ready to tell everyone I was lying and I'd made it all up. As time wore on I'd still catch myself looking at the windows and doors and checking that he wasn't there before I'd share anything but it wore off over time and was replaced by an intense joy that I was allowed to speak my truth there and no-one could take it away from me. The more time I spent amongst people that knew and understood what I was going through, the more I was able to trust my own perception of what was going on in my life and how much it needed to change. Very valuable lesson when you're living with someone that is constantly challenging your feelings, perceptions and beliefs and trying to insist they fall into line with theirs.
That was where the healing started for me I think. I hope you'll keep going back. You're worth it
Thank you all so much for your replies and support.
I think a big part of me also feels silly for being there because it was a five month relationship. Lots of people in the group were in long marriages with alcoholics. Five months is nothing compared to that.... I don't know how I got so affected so quickly by the alcoholic in my life. I have been married previously, and that break up was way less painful than this. None of my friends or family really comprehend it.
Thank you all so much for your replies and support. I think a big part of me also feels silly for being there because it was a five month relationship. Lots of people in the group were in long marriages with alcoholics. Five months is nothing compared to that.... I don't know how I got so affected so quickly by the alcoholic in my life. I have been married previously, and that break up was way less painful than this. None of my friends or family really comprehend it.
((((Sara)))) in time you will learn more. We did not get to this level of understanding overnight and without resistance. It took me two trips to get in and then to stay in my seat even when at other times I resisted the opportunity to just get up and walk out. Love and acceptance lives in the fellowship and I suggest you keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Sara - I agree with my brother above, Jerry. It took me two trips also and I was very resistant. I truly had to let go of my distorted thinking and my irrational programming to feel comfortable at meetings and within my own skin. There are no requirements to belong beyond 'being affected by the drinking of a family member or friend.' No concerns about how long, how bad, etc. - all are welcome who have been affected.
Keep coming back - there is so much hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've only been attending Al-Anon meetings for 5 months now but I, too, cried at my first meeting. Breathing was hard too. Finally walking through the door, sitting down is a very brave thing to do. My emotions were through the roof just sitting there in my first meeting but I really wanted help. The genuine welcome I received made me stop being embarrassed. It takes a lot to finally get to the point to walk through the door.
It is suggested that you try 6 meetings and you already have one down. I learned by going to different meetings that there is a certain feel to each group. Some groups just work better for me. As so many people say at end of meetings . . . "Keep coming back" and "it works if you work it and you're worth it". Those words are more than their weight in gold.
Welcome to MIP Fufina - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in! This is an awesome community where we work to share our ESH for recovery. Keep coming back - you're now a part of the family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You're on your way girl...I found out that when I duplicated what others were doing in the program and duplicated coming back over and over I would change for the better and that is what happened. I'm not going back to the insanity by the grace of my HP who is also in the rooms when I am there. ((((Hugs))))
It's ok to cry! I cried on the phone to a total stranger when I called the local Al Anon number. I met the lady I spoke with on the phone, at my first f2f meeting, and then cried some more. I didn't said a word through the meeting and tried not to cry too loud and interrupt other shares! Finally, at the end of the meeting I could squeak out a few words as people came to talk to me after. Over time the meetings got easier, and then I was the support for the new folks that came in and also needed me to pass the Kleenex.
Being able to express an emotion that powerful, in front of anyone, let alone strangers, is a tremendous gift and a sign of incredible strength...I wish my BF knew that..but I do, and so should u!
