The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Glad I found this site. Thanks for sharing. I have been married 37 years and recently filed for divorce. I have it somewhat on hold, holding out for hope. Hubby has been in treatment 3 times in the last year, and each time he gets outs, he wastes no time buying a bottle of booze. Anyway, last night he got a DWI and totaled out our beautiful camper, which he was hauling into storage. He drinks and drives all the time and this is only his second arrest. Go figure. I'm wondering if, after I'm divorced, I will be able to distance myself from him. We are still seeing each other from time to time, but what if I can't make a clean break? Also, how do you make your mind quit thinking about him having a new lady in his life, when that time comes? I have had jealousy issues, and I feel it's my last hurdle, but I need help! Yes, he's had affairs. Maybe that's where the jealosy comes in? I know I should have done this years ago, but I didn't have the guts. I am successful in my professional life, but when it comes to him, I'm addicted! It's sad to grieve all the losses, especially nearing retirement and having to do everything alone, as he is usually smashed now. He retired too early, and is not doing well at all. Input appreciated.
(((Dar))) your intuition is so right on and there is still so much to learn in the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look us up if you haven't already. and then get to a meeting as soon as you can. On the face page here there is also instruction for the online meetings join us.
I too send warm welcomes to you Dar - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I also suggest getting involved in Al-Anon - that is where you will find support from like minded people who truly understand all that living with this disease brings. I found my hope there as well as tons of help and many tools to restore myself to a saner way of thinking/living.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Dar, My take on your question of how do you make yourself stop thinking about him is that it won't happen all at once, so be patient with yourself, but as you find new activities and new resources it will become less and less.
I'm sorry to hear how your husband's disease is progressing. I experienced the effects of this disease with my late husband, and it is not pretty. I'm sorry to say, if there is a new lady in his future, she will have to cope with that.
I learned to find new resources for things where I used to rely on him, such as home repairs. For example, there are resources in my community that will help those of us in the ... ahem ... "senior" age category, and I decided I wouldn't be ashamed to take advantages of those. I'm also successful in my professional life, and this has enabled me to pay for services I need.
As far as social connections, those people who were my friends all along are still my friends now, and I actually have more time and energy for them.
There is light at the end of the tunnel ... just take it one day. one step at a time.
IT's hard to let go of the hope that the person in your life will get better. Very had to let go of that hope. I always thought it would be fun to have an extended family. It's just me, my husband, my two kids and my elderly mom. My husband had no siblings. I never could understand why I was so darn depressed during a holiday. I pushed the pain away and couldn't think about it much. I would spend Christmas cleaning the house or watching movies over and over and over drinking herbal tea. Holidays were a misery, I would try to be happy for the kids. Every Holiday was letting go of that little bit of hope that my brother would come back to us. I wished to have my nephews and nieces that weren't crazy and getting in trouble and lying. Every holiday seeing my mother's heart break because her son wasn't coming ever. Then there was the memory of the last time my brother saw my dad at Thanksgiving before he passed away. They never reconciled. My dad confronted my brother about his drinking and my brother called him crazy and refused to see him. My brother called him names in front of people. He was right right all along. God bless my dad. He wasn't perfect man, but he was dead on accurate that time.
Now I am trying to let go the hope, that last little bit of hope, that things could get better and knowing they never will. I am sorry this is such a disappointment for you. 37 years is a lot of time to hope things would get better. It's going to take time to let go of that hope and those dreams you once had that it was all going to work out.
Sounds a little bit like my story. I have been with my guy 25 years and put up with a lot. I did it all for his sake and tried to keep it together because I would be lonely if I left him. He retired 2 years ago and it just got worse. All he does is eat and sleep. I tried and tried to help him....tried to do something for himself but is just didn't happen.
I joined this site about 5 years ago and started Al-anon. Since doing this I got the strength and courage to start taking care of me without any fear or guilt. I learned I can have better without this BS. I learned nothing will change IF nothing changes. I had to make that change. I had to think about ME and take care of ME.
I am finally taking the plunge. We have sold the house and I am moving out on my own and making a new life for me. Yeah I still have those feelings of being alone and a little scared but why I say. What has my life been for so many years. What happiness have I had.....NONE!
My guy will NEVER change and I can't do anything about it. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. So let me go and find out what else it out there for ME.
The less you see him and easier it will get. 10 years ago my guy had an affair and we split up. It took about a year for me to get over him but in the second year he decided to come back ino my life and I took him back........BIG MISTAKE!!!
Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone
(( hugs ))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Glad I found this site. Thanks for sharing. I have been married 37 years and recently filed for divorce. I have it somewhat on hold, holding out for hope. Hubby has been in treatment 3 times in the last year, and each time he gets outs, he wastes no time buying a bottle of booze. Anyway, last night he got a DWI and totaled out our beautiful camper, which he was hauling into storage. He drinks and drives all the time and this is only his second arrest. Go figure. I'm wondering if, after I'm divorced, I will be able to distance myself from him. We are still seeing each other from time to time, but what if I can't make a clean break? Also, how do you make your mind quit thinking about him having a new lady in his life, when that time comes? I have had jealousy issues, and I feel it's my last hurdle, but I need help! Yes, he's had affairs. Maybe that's where the jealosy comes in? I know I should have done this years ago, but I didn't have the guts. I am successful in my professional life, but when it comes to him, I'm addicted! It's sad to grieve all the losses, especially nearing retirement and having to do everything alone, as he is usually smashed now. He retired too early, and is not doing well at all. Input appreciated.