The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother called an ambulance for himself about 10 days ago. He was in hospital and then they sent him to convalescence home. He's awaiting a room in a better place. He has been told that his liver is shot and it's very very serious. Brother has a Power of Attorney who is a friend of his. POA told me he is terminal and doesn't want to do anything. I spoke to his doctor, when they were talking to me, and she said, they really didn't know how bad it was. He could live for a long time with his liver at this level, but MIGHT need a transplant at some point. There's also new research in using stem cells to revive the liver. So there's hope.
Apparently Brother thinks it's all hopeless. I have to explain this to my mom. My daughter can't stand my brother as he has hurt and destroyed our family so much. I want him to go to rehab because I am not convinced that all this is hopeless. Is this an alcoholic thing where things are so much worse than reality? I caught him lying about other relatives. Brother told me this one relative killed himself. I went to find a death cert and the death cert says he died from Asthma attack. Brother told me another relative jumped in front of a car. I looked it up and he was killed in a drunk driving accident. Why does he lie this way?????
I tried to call and see him, but he won't answer the phone. I am so fed up. SOOOOOO fed up. I am trying to let it go, but I need practice.
Relative that died in drunk driving accident was sober and not drunk at all. Brother said, relative jumped in front of car while he was drunk. Not true... Why does he do this?
Is this an alcoholic thing where things are so much worse than reality?
Yes. I'm sure members with more experience can explain this better, but it's very true that alcoholics have a tendency to make things much more difficult than they should be. Weather for you, or themselves.
The reality is that he may never get help. And if by some miracle he does stop drinking, than there is a whole new set of problems that come along with that.
Al Anon helps us learn how to love the alcoholic while keeping our sanity intact. The 12 steps are instrumental in showing us how to let go, improve ourselves and live our lives at peace.
I too have a brother with addiction problems. Not alcoholism, but drugs. I can relate to your struggle and your frustration.
Alcoholism is a family disease, and it sounds to me like your family is actively in the throes of his addiction. Everyone tries to cope in their own way, everyone wants what is best for the addict, but sometimes our ideas of helping are actually not helping at all. I hope you keep coming back. There is so much peace to be found here once we learn how to take a step back & see things from a different, healthier perspective.
Lucy when I learned the first step and then committed it to my daily life I stopped trying to figure my alcoholic/addict out and got peaceful and sane. Now I smile and hug and then let them go...Keep it simple. ((((hugs))))
Funny you should mention that, that all problems dont' go away when user gets help. All these problems really started to get out of control when my brother married his ex wife. I believe, now, they were both alcoholics or she abuses drugs. That's when the problems escalated. Her dad was also an alcoholic/drug addict.
I had a dream that my brother went back to that woman. He was well (off booze) in the dream. He still was that difficult person that he was before it all got worse with the alcohol. In the dream he handed me a box of gifts. In the box were things from my childhood. He always ridiculed me about my books, and in the box were the books. I take the dream to mean, even if he gets well, he will still be that difficult person he always was.
My experience is that many people, alcoholics and non-alcoholics, tend to thrive and live for chaos/drama. It's often a defense mechanism that keeps them from dealing with their own reality, good, bad or indifferent. It's a human thing and it manifests in many. The bottom line in recovery - we are powerless over alcohol, people, places and things. We have to accept that there is nothing we can do, say, suggest, cry, scream or manipulate to make another do what they do not want to do. When I have been faced with opposition to reason with my qualifiers, I am reminded by the program and my sponsor that letting them go and praying for them is an acceptable action I can take so long as I am praying for God's will, not my own.
I have aging parents and they struggle with details, memory and facts more than before. When there is important information they need to hear/see, I send it in an email so they have black/white in front of them. I then call (they don't live here) and we talk about it. I resend the email when they delete it (which happens often) and we go through it again. I do not share anybody else's news with them any more - I allow them to discover it on their own. I stepped out of the grand communicator role when I learned it was causing me stress and sucking me back into the chaos/drama.
The best plan of action I ever took was to increase my meetings, my readings and my step work when there was chaos with my qualifiers. It helped to keep me right-sized and focused on what I could manage/control - me. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Lucy125, one of the most helpful things I have learned is not to ask "why" anyone besides myself does anything. For me, growing up in an alcoholic home and then dating and befriending lots of addicts and alcoholics (and working in bars and with the mentally ill), I used to think that if I could just understand "the truth/the facts" then everything would somehow be manageable. But I have come to learn that there's really no such thing as the truth or the facts and asking why someone did some crazy thing or how much so and so drank doesn't change anything, which made me more crazy.
The beautiful gift of al-anon is to learn acceptance of the way life is and detachment from our false sense of control over our loved ones craziness so that we can focus on ourselves and turn our will over to our HP to regain our own sanity. "The drinker's gonna drink, what are you gonna do?" kind of sums it all up.
My mom is 90 and in an assisted living. email is not an option for me. She asks about him. I tell the truth. Today 90 year old mom told me," life is a wonderful gift. I thank God I have a good life. Remember life is good, it's people that mess it up. " It's her son, so I really can't hide it anyway.
