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I am engaged to a 10 year recovered alcoholic. We have been together for a year and a half. I also have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We moved things rather quickly and he moved in and we got engaged all in a matter of 4 months. Something I now regret since I didn't understand his disease and all that comes with it. I did not also realize he had anger issues. He has thrown things in our home, pushed me, among other things. One fight fight I called the cops got involved because he ended up elbowing me and wouldn't allow me to leave by standing in front of my car. He now has to attend domestic abuse classes once a week court ordered. He has since not been abusive in those ways. Instead of getting angry he just gets quiet and does not talk. He also attends 2-4 AA meetings a week after work. He's expressed to me that he thinks he may be depressed and needs to do a fourth step to let go of his anger. Last night he told me that his anger is because of me and ended up threatening to drown our cat because i was cuddling it instead of him. He is constantly moody and doesn't seem to care what i want or need. I feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like its effecting my daughter cause all she says lately is T is grumpy. I just feel like I don't have the strength or energy to deal with this anymore. Will this get better? If i stick it out will it be worth it? Or will I have to live with these ups and downs for the rest of our lives? My needs last. I ask him to spend time with us and he just grumbles along and eventually we fight. He would rather stay home and watch TV. Anything would help at this point I feel like this all just isn't worth it. He walked out the door a few minutes ago to his third meeting of the day and said "i'm sorry for putting you through this."
Welcome Wilady I am so pleased that you found our site and had the courage to share with such clarity.I am pleased that you have identified the negative abuse that you were being subjected to and took action Good work
Alcoholism it a 3 fold disease. It affects the spiritual, emotional and physical nature of the person affected. Stopping drinking takes care of the physical, the spiritual and emotional are addressed by working the AA program. Recovery takes time and effort.
Just as the alcoholic requires a program of recovery, we who live with the disease also benefit from a program of recovery. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages. It is here that I broke the isolation that is caused by living with the disease of alcoholism and found new constructive tools to live by
In addition please keep coming back here . There is hope .
I too send welcome to you Wilady - glad you found us and glad that you shared! I am sorry that you are affected by the disease of alcoholism - it can be overwhelming and a challenge. My best suggestion is as Betty states - seek out and attend Al-Anon meetings. There, you will find local support from others who understand what you feel and have a safe place to share what all is going on.
We do not offer advice, with exception to abuse. Your situation does sound a bit concerning, so I would make sure that you have a Plan B to be safe, get to a safe place and to protect you & daughter from potential future escalations. There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I will also encourage what Betty has because that is what works and there is more. I am a double as they say in recovery; a full time member of Al-Anon and AA and from my experience I would not use the term recovered about him. The ones I spent my morning with who have time in recovery do not use power and control tactics any longer to get what they think they want. Most of us have learned that our "thinker" was faulty after so much time being pickled in alcohol...alcohol softened the brains cells and altered connections and gave us picture of insanity while telling us it was the real picture. We in AA will often repeat that our thinker has become unreliable and there for we need the assistance of sponsors and others to help us get closer to sanity. That was my condition 3 days ago and still my thinker was more faulty than I felt comfortable with. I must stay sane and sober and protect the sanity of my family also. Yes we all play a part and you ought to see yours also while understanding what is sober and what is not. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I'm with worried wife, RUN! Do not look back. We are not just talking about an adult co-dependent choosing to stay in an unsafe volatile situation. We are talking about a child in danger. Threatening to kill a cat? What happens when your child is sick or needy and he doesn't like the attention you give her? By staying with this man you risk losing custody of your child at the very least. I'm as guilty as most on these boards of staying in an unhealthy relationship. But threaten to kill a pet? I'm out immediately.
Feeling Hopeless, the notion of killing your cat because you show it love is abusive on so many levels. I'm sorry it is a sign of a very unstable and dangerous person. He has already physically assaulted you. His threat to kill something is letting you know what he is capable of. Get away and get you and your daughter safe. You have the rest of you and your daughter's life to be thankful you got out safely. Do you have family/friends close by? Don't go it alone getting free of this. Go to Alanon F2F with your daughter if necessary. Headphones and a movie for her and help and support for you. I have a daughter too. You can do this. (((Hugs)))
I'm so pleased that you reached out. As others have said, joining an Al Anon group will help to connect you with other people who understand your situation and having that physical and emotional support may help you as well.
What you have described sounds abusive. Being scared enough to call the police (well done) is no way to live and the only thing that I would add to what others have already said here is that it does not help your fiancee in any way if you try to put up with such demanding behaviour or try to survive by putting your needs last. These things only allows the behaviour to continue and eventually escalate.
My husband and I have been together for nearly forty years. He started to drink excessively about fifteen years ago. He became abusive. I tried not to believe it, partly because I did not want to believe that I was someone who would get into this situation - I know, how stupid that was?!! Of course anyone, from any walk of life, can be in this situation!! Anyway, I tried to reason with him, I tried all I could to bring back his gentler side. The only thing that worked was for my own actions to match what I was trying to say. I had to leave before things got better for either of us.
Stay safe Wilady. What can you do to figure out what that might take? (((((hugs)))))
I have strong feelings on this subject because I grew up in a home where domestic abuse was fairly common. To this day I feel resentful because no one ever thought of us kids. No one cared enough to be a grown up and say, "look at these kids crying, begging us to stop, look at how they have their hands over their ears, look at how they are hiding in the closet. Maybe we are damaging them" We lived in fear for the next fight. We thought we were responsible. Heck, dad would even let us know it was our fault. Your little girl is traumatized by this, make no mistake, if she says "T is grumpy," she is really saying, "this scares me because I know what might come next." I know because that is what I did.
Threatening the cat? As frightening as my dad could be, he never threatened to harm an animal. My cat was my comfort when things got tense, I can't even imagine how horrible it would have been if he were to threaten to kill her!
I am saying all of this because this is what your daughter will say and feel when she is grown up. I watched my mother cower and cry and by the time I was 11 I found myself saying I never want to marry a man like that. Lol I didn't, but I did find myself an emotionally abusive alcoholic so I'm not being judgmental, we all make bad decisions. Honey stop the cycle now for the sake of your little girl and for yourself. I think Al-anon will help, but I also think a domestic abuse hotline will be helpful. I have found a lot of serenity by working on myself and connecting to my higher power and you can too, there is hope!
I feel awful for you and I am scared for you. I thought I read one time about some connection between people who torture / kill animals and serial killers. His behavior is not worth you or your daughters safety or sanity. I hope you can find a safe place to retreat too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have pretty similar issues except that I refuse to move in with him. My daughter is 14 and I cannot and will not let her be exposed to that. I suggest you separate. If you wish to see him, do not bring your daughter around him if he is drinking. If you have your own place you always have a way to get away. My ABF is upset I will not move in as we have been together 4yrs. I havent yet made a complete decision to leave, as I was going to see how AA worked for him (29 days and he drank tonight, one day away from 30 :( Anyway point is your daughter comes first, NOT him. Hold your ground and stick to that. If he is mad (like mine) too bad. Separate places lets me know I can walk anytime. I dont even need to work out any financial details or custody or divorce... The smartest thing I have done in this relationship
