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Hi guys,
I'm new on here. I've been dating my alcoholic boyfriend for 5 months. There were some red flags but I had no idea how bad things were until recently.
I noticed that my port barrel was near empty and realised he's been stealing my alcohol. I've asked him many times to stop but have still noticed alcohol missing. It makes me feel like a crazy person trying to figure out what he has taken.
Whenever anything goes wrong In his life he goes on a massive binge. He often wakes up in the morning and has a drink first thing, but tries to convince me this is normal as a "hair of the dog".
He's let me down so many times. He's missed important things and even missed me performing stand up comedy for the first time because he got drunk and fell asleep. He got drunk at his sisters wedding and embarrassed himself and ended up storming off at the end of the night and abandoning me.
The part that is really hard to take is that even when he does the wrong thing he finds a way to blame me. He wouldn't talk to me after he missed my comedy & after the wedding he was sorry for about 5 minutes before he got angry at me and wouldn't talk to me. He said I "love playing the victim".
I have spent so many hours crying over the mean way he treats me, he doesn't seem to care. I feel like I'm going crazy as he tells me I'm the one causing the issues.
On Friday night he cancelled plans that we had at short notice and didn't seem to care that he was letting me down. His message was so blunt, basically just "I've got a migraine, I need my own bed , I'm not coming". All about him - as per usual.
When I tried to say I felt let down he got mean & nasty and said he's "sick of my tantrums" and "it's not good enough for him".
He's stonewalled me for 3 days now and refuses to answer my calls or texts. I'm so hurt and just don't understand why he treats me like this. Was me saying I felt disappointed about the cancelled plans (which is a regular thing) so bad to warrant him just shutting me out? I tried to explain my position in a conciliatory message and have even apologised - he won't respond.
I honestly feel like I'm so supportive and kind to him, but if I ask for anything in return at all he just cannot come to the party.
My self esteem has been shot & I'm massively doubting myself. Most of all I just ask what have I done to deserve someone bring so cruel to me?
He's definitely a Jekll & Hyde - some days I get the beautiful guy I fell in love with & other days it's this mean, cruel person who only cares for himself.
Any guidance would be appreciated. I feel lost and heartbroken
Sounds like a standard alcoholic gaslighting (a term meaning when someone denies, minimizes, or refuses to acknowledge your truth and reality because it hurts their feelings, they can't handle it, and admitting your feelings were valid would mean they might need to change). I am so sorry for the alcoholic "mind screw" you are getting that is so parr for the course here. All of the things you mentioned are behaviors stated here by other folks in reference to their qualifiers thousands of times over.
Now, that being said, alanon will have you focusing on yourself and your own boundaries. Not to judge or be down on yourself, but this guy has stolen, let down, lied, and shown himself not really stable, reliable, mature, or emotionally available and YET and it's still you chasing him and apologizing and doubting yourself. In alanon you can own your part. You learn to love and care for yourself and not expect validation, truth, or consistency from unreliable alcoholics who have a host of their own issues. You love yourself instead of going round and round on an endless merry go round trying to get the type of love you want from someone thwt cant give it or is so warped by alcoholism that they can only give it to the degree their disease allows and then all the other BS from them comes in to distract you from that cold, hard, fact.
Welcome! Again, I really feel for you, but my answer for every single question you had about "why does he do this and that...?"..it was the same: Because he is an alcoholic an what you are describing is what they do. Knowing this, the question then becomes "what are you gonna do?" as he does have a disease and an elaborate, albeit sick and sad set of defenses built up around it to protect it and get others to enable it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 04:41:35 PM
Thank you for your responses.
I am really ashamed by how much I have enabled this and allowed myself to be treated like a doormat.
I really don't know why I have allowed it to get this this point & kept hoping for change that was clearly never going to come.
I need to start building my self esteem so that this doesn't happen to me again - I don't think I can trust my own judgement at the moment.
Welcome Sara I second what Pink Chip has stated. Please do check out alanon face to face meetings and attend The hot line number is in the white pages .
Alcoholics are not bad people...just sick ones. And some are quite charming, romantic, amd they make a really great sell at the very start. Because they are needy and drunk a lot, they are often quick to say things like how nobody else ever understood them like you...never did this or that...They build you up to feel like you are the missing part of them they have been looking for and then it goes south from there because nobody can keep them feeling good about themselves or stop their disease. They tend to use relationships like alcohol and drugs: when THEY want, binge style,, as a distraction from THEIR problems, on and off, volatile, can't live without it and keep swearing it off and getting mad at it...
There is an appeal at first...they are fun and romantic at first often. Don't feel bad, we have all been there and it isn't wrong to be in a relationship with an alcoholic as long as you don't lose yourself in the process.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 05:25:17 PM
I too send warm welcomes to you Saralin - glad you found us and glad that you shared. The disease is powerful and progressive and filled with denial....my best suggestion for you is to find local Al-Anon meetings so you can learn more about the disease, the diseased and how to keep yourself from getting sucked into the chaos/drama. We have all been where you are and are working to find our way back to serenity, sanity and peace.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Saralin))))) That's the best I can do for now cause Pink and Betty and the others have and will do much better than I on this....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all so much for your posts. I keep reading them over & they are helping me to feel better at this time.
I have a question to ask - in another post on here someone said "alcoholics rarely leave" (the relationship). But in my case it hasn't been my decision (although it probably should have been).
I feel like my partner has decided that everything I asked of him was too much to face up to, so easier to get rid of me than the alcohol. Is this common too?
Yes. That is common. It would involve massive changes and taken responsibility on a broad scale and most alcoholics do not want to do that. Usually they dig their heels in and wont leave when this has been going on for years and when you live together.
In answer to your question SaraLin yes it is common if the alcoholic is not ready to stop. He will find someone else that he can justify deny and defend his disease with. Keep coming back!
In theory, without recovery, an alcoholic will do whatever it takes to feed the disease. This is the natural progression without recovery. The disease is in control and rational thinking and logic both fly out the window. We do have a saying in Al-Anon that One's rejection of us is God's protection of us. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
so sorry you've been going through this. al-anon is very helpful but i will also say this, which i'm borrowing from someone else - since you are in it, it might be helpful to consider what you would say to a dear friend or family member having the same experience. may give you a bit of clarity to consider that line of thought. but yes, he is in his disease and that's running his show. all the best to you.
Don't be surprised if he comes back sometime in the future begging and pleading for you to take him back. This also tends to happen, and often takes people by surprise and they look back at the relationship with rose colored glasses and forgive and forget. Then the cycle starts all over again.
I hope you can get to some meetings to get some support.
And that is why for me Al-Anon became so very very important because it taught me and still teaches me to live in the present, One Day At A Time staying out of the past and future. When I regretted the past and future of the disease neither she or I had clear chance to move on to the good or different stuff. Keep coming back...celebrate this 24 hours. ((((hugs))))
I've learned that all of these posts are very true even when the alcoholic isn't drinking...the alcoholic personality traits remain.
AA can be an enormous help to many, though in my case it's been used as a weapon against me - his program is better than mine, why don't I "get it", when will I learn to be less self-centered and "sick". Al-Anon has been my lifeline, letting me be myself, work on myself, and see things for what they really are.
It's been 27 years for me, but had my eyes been open 5 months would have been enough for me to make better decisions. I'm glad you're smarter than I was and taking advantage of the wisdom available here - welcome!
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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
The turning point for me has been coming on here and receiving advice from you all. My eyes have been opened to what my future would be like with an alcoholic. Seems like it is tragically predictable across the board. He has actually done me a huge favour by rejecting me & refusing to speak to me!!! I am so damn glad I can get out now. I am at a stage where I am starting to get really angry at how he has treated me, I never realised how emotionally abusive the relationship had become. I was stunned to learn what "gas lighting" is and think that's definitely been at play here. I have always been his supporter and been there for him no matter what, even when he has pushed everyone else away, and he has been nothing but a cruel b***rd to me. Even his parents were concerned for me & particularly appalled by how he treated me at the wedding. I understand it's a disease and I will make peace with it eventually but right now I'm so mad! I have tortured myself mentally for months blaming myself for everything, which he has been all too happy to reinforce. He's broken up with me several times previously - it's a standard response when I ask for more from him or tell him he's upset me somehow. He gets angry and breaks up with me. He's allowed to steal from me & lie, let me down but God forbid I ask for something from him - it's the ultimate sin. This has definitely been the biggest stonewalling though - I don't think he'll contact me anytime soon (thank god). It's different this time because I haven't just asked him to be more considerate, I've asked him to change his drinking habits and face up to his alcoholism. I guess that really is the ultimate sin when an alcoholic isn't ready. I can understand why he doesn't want to look at himself closely - I wouldn't either if I had treated people the way he has. Do alcoholics ever have moments where they feel bad for the cruel things they do or do they just justify it all away? Thank you all so much for your support, I'm going to a face to face meeting in two days but posting on here is getting me through this tough period right now and I am so grateful.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 24th of October 2016 04:03:30 PM
Sara when an alcoholic gets introspective and find fault they still have three alternatives remaining...1. go get help 2. go get another drink 3. blame some one else....I am sure others here will have other experiences also...those are mine only. You're doing good. Using the energy that comes with negative thoughts, feelings and actions to get yourself well is often what an Al-Anon member will do also. Keep coming back it helps us all. ((((hugs))))
