The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had to distance myself from my brother and his toxic family. He's now got cirrhosis, his friend(POA) is overseeing his care. The kids(nephews and nieces) kept calling so I gave them resources and cut them off. They don't want help, they just want money and me to fix everything. They are lying to me.
Now my husband is upset. He says he doesn't want to deal with my 90 year old mom's nonsense, and doesn't want to hear about my brother. He has no siblings. I told him, I was sorry he was along for the ride, but there isn't anything I can do. I do my best to keep it at a distance, it's like a nuclear bomb, and that's all you can do is to try and avoid the fallout.
I go to the meetings. I have been to one meeting, since I found out about the drinking problems in my brother's family. I also think brother's ex-wife is an alcoholic. The kids are using something. I wish my husband would go to the meetings. He's a nervous wreck. He won't go. I have books on anxiety, but he won't read them. I can tell he's a mess, he's sweating and shaking when my mom misbehaves and now my brother. He wants me to make it go away. I can't. I am trying to put it in hands of HP.
My daughter was doing fine in college and now she's a nervous wreck because when she talks to us, we are tense. This crap like spreads.
oh and there's more. The people at my mom's assisted living were like why don't you go down there and see him? Before we found out about drinking problem, he doesn't want to see me. He doesn't want to see me now. He's refusing my calls. His son keeps telling me to go down there.(I cut them off because they were asking about my mom's finances) I went once when brother allowed. WTH does everyone think I can do something? I can't do anything. I want to run away and live by myself.
Anne, I just want to share that I understand your feeling of wanting to run away, because -- "WTH does everyone think I can do something?" I know how maddening it is dealing with an illness -- compounded by alcoholism -- in the family, and everyone calling with their expectations, advice, questions, feelings, etc. It is too much to bear alone. I am sorry that your daughter is also suffering.
I also had relatives calling me about my sick husband, and it nearly drove me insane.I learned in Al-Anon that it was OK for me to have boundaries. Finally I was able to designate another person whom they should call. In my case, it was my adult daughter, who was glad to take on the task of sharing whatever information we felt it appropriate to share. It took a couple of times of saying "[Daughter] will send an email when we have new information" to get people trained to contact her instead of me.
I'm sorry the people at your mom's assisted living are giving you advice about visiting your brother. That must be hard to hear. I know I always had a hard time declining others' advice, even when I knew it was not the right advice for me.
I had to learn not to feel responsible for other people's feelings. I could not fix their feelings. I had to tell them that my husband did not want them to visit him in the hospital -- and that was a fact. I wanted to be able to tell them "Everything will be fine and he will recover," but that was not the truth. I had to set up boundaries to protect my own sanity.
You are not alone. If you can find an Al-Anon meeting, I'm sure it will be very helpful at this difficult time.
So, so sorry for your pain and the chaos these disease seems to bring. I too have felt like running away - it can just be too much. I agree that meetings would be helpful - those present would certainly understand and it would be a safe place to share and not be judged or given advice. At Al-Anon, I did learn how to detach from others as nicely as possible, and how to set boundaries for my own sanity.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
