The material presented
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I am the black sheep of my family. Growing up I could do no right. I was beaten down and suicidal. I went to a psychologist and recovered. I am married and have two teen kids. I take care of my 90 year old mom. I don't take any drugs, I got off all psychiatric drugs about 5 years ago.
I had to distance myself from my brother and his toxic family. He got a divorce about 8 years ago. I tried to help him and get him set up in his own place. He hasn't helped me at all with both my parents. My dad passed away. Actually, he helped minimally with my dad. Over the years he refused to see me, but calls me all the time. He continually badmouthed my dad. My dad said years ago that my brother had a drinking problem, but was dismissed as crazy, much the same way I was dismissed.
Last Friday, he called police to take him to hospital and I found out he was an alcoholic. He's probably not going to live much longer because he has Cirrhosis. His friend has been taking him to doctor. He doesn't venture out of his house. I tried numerous times to get him psychological help. I was so busy with my mom and her care, I haven't had time to really pay attention to him and he doesn't listen anyways. His kids are toxic, in and out of jail. I kept them away from my kids who are doing well in school, have friends and are happy.
His friend has power of attorney and all health decisions are being made by him. I think he's okay , but he enables and makes excuses for my brother's toxic behavior. My brother, 53, is in a nursing home right now recovering from effect of drinking. His friend is supposed to take him to a liver doctor. I don't think there's any hope. He's in total denial. I don't want any part of this other than to receive updates form the friend.
I can't sleep or eat over this week, I lost 3 pounds. My kids, husband and children, and mom are suffering. I FEEL GUILTY. I don't want any part of this problem. I cut off his kids, they are stealing, toxic and probably addicted at least one substance. I sent resources of where to go and cut them off. I don't want to see my brother anymore I am tired and worn out. I fought so hard to get well. I have survivor guilt.
Welcome to MIP Anne - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So very sorry for the affects this disease has had on your brother and you! Please consider finding local Al-Anon meetings and attend. It is in recovery through Al-Anon that I found my own peace of mind and was able to move forward, releasing my shame, guilt and fear for what this disease will do next.
There is hope and help in recovery - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sometimes when I am feeling strong feelings - anger, or horror, or guilt, or other things - I find that what is really beneath them is this enormous sadness.
And there is a lot of cause for sadness in this bad old world. So many people taken down by addiction, so many painful lives, so many people who can't see their way out of darkness.
It is as sad as can be. But while feeling sad we also have to detach and remember that although we may feel sad, we are not sadness, if you follow me. There are also so many other parts of life. Our happiness at our loved ones who are safe and nearby, wonder, curiosity, love, small pleasures. Sometimes pets help me remember those things because they don't look at the picture that's too big for them, they're just in the moment.
I hope you can keep those other parts of life in the mix too, even as you feel your feelings about your brother. Hugs.
These are common problems when it comes to 'alcoholism .. often for me when i feel alone it's because i don't know so many others have gone through the same or similar or still are .. even if the details are a little different, the one commonality we all have is that each of us has experiences of living with 'alcoholism .. we learn by ours and others experiences as 'human beings which is why sharing and listening in a Safe annonymous atmosphere can Really help .. in alanon i have read alcoholism is referred to a thinking disease not just drinking .. that helps me understand why I myself can feel crazy when i am trying to 'reason with an alcoholic; even my Own self .. all of our thinking becomes distorted and really it's like being in-fected .. and feeling the in-fection
I was going to say similar to Mattie .. sometime anger sadness .. etc .. they are parts of grief .. we can't 'rush that 'process inside us (or others) .. but in alanon there are so many who share our common experiences, that when we go to face to face meetings, one of the 'first gifts we receive is hope .. we hear our stories .. many things we haven't been able to share outloud .. the second gift is courage .. when others share honestly and openly (from the heart) we begin to receive the courage to do the same ..
it's recommended to try 6 meetings before deciding if they are right for us .. we just get never get it all in one sitting .. the power of the program is wisdom and love .. I do hope you try it ...
when it comes to the guilt ? yep common .. guilty ? for not being able to control a very Real disease ? for not being able to find all the answers (do Gods job ?) for not being able to change the lives of everyone in a generation of family members ? making 'them 'feel' ok ? yep .. over responsible is what we often feel like coming through it ..
my prayers for you and your brother .. including your mom and family members .. prayers for acceptance and serenity along with guidance .. which i like the fact that guidance stands for God U n I Dance .. in alanon we do receive guidance .. glad you made it into these rooms .. Hope you keep coming back ..
Remember that scene at the end of the movie Titanic, with Kate Winslet and Leonardo D.... when she finally releases his hand and he slips into the ocean...? That scene has vividly entered and re-entered my mind every time I've had to let go of someone I deeply love.... surrendering my helpless wishes.... that things could be different. It is sad, it's tragic. and I so sympathize with (((you)))
Letting go of my old ideas and old dreams brought years of grief. Grief is heavy and wears us down. I was much better off when I was "aware" that it was surfacing again... and to be very gentle with myself. I absolutely love the comforting ideas you've been given in the previous posts... especially the pets (((mattie)))
Taking care of myself often produces guilt in me... due to the remnants of old tapes playing since childhood... the expectation to sacrifice my life for others and to martyr myself as my role models were doing. Their voices still play in my head.... sending me on guilt trips. But in recovery, they told me to FIRE those travel agents because I have every RIGHT to take care of myself....
... and I do not require anyone's permission to do it, and to do it well. Just because they don't know how to take care of themselves doesn't mean I can't, or shouldn't. Just because they don't recognize the importance doesn't mean I can't embrace self-care as a spiritual duty!
...anything promoting my happiness and well-being is Good (I'm not talking about self-indulgence here, just about providing my true needs.) Anything painful......mental, physical or spiritual...... I make every effort to eliminate.
I appreciate our slogans, "Let it Begin with Me" and "First Things First"..... because when I practiced that, I gained a capability to better understand others.... and the very human way we all transition through life.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 21st of October 2016 12:14:58 PM
Welcome Lucy...come in and find your chair...it is good having you in the family. Got a message for you that you can memorize and repeat instantly when your insanity tries to convince you it is all about you...ready? "I didn't cause it, can't control it and will never ever be able to cure it". Every time the insanity tries to grab you by the throat and shake your serenity, happiness and self confidence repeat that truth statement to your spirit....then let go of the problem.
Visualize you putting the problem into the palms of your hands, outstretching your arms and lifting your hands high above your head and then bring your hands down....empty. You have now practiced "turning it over". Go practice and don't try rating yourself. You need a person or persons who also know how to do it to pass the rating back. I don't recommend stuff I haven't done and/or still do today. This works for me over and over and over and over. No charge. ((((hugs))))
As I read your story I too was thinking of the slogan 'I didn't cause it, can't control it and will never cure it.' It is so true!! My husband was drinking heavily for twelve years and I was with him almost every day throughout that time. I tried to make life all right for him and us and it really didn't matter what I did, how perfect our life was, he still chose to drink, until such time as he chose not to. Guilt grabbed me for a while, but I now know, without any doubt, that this was not my battle to fight, there was absolutely nothing that I could have done that would have changed what happened during those twelve years. The best thing that I ever did was accept that my husband is a grown man and his choices are his to make.
I'm so sorry that alcoholism has affected the lives of you and your family. The folks here at MIP and at Al-Anon face to face meetings understand. We all learn from each other.
Taking care of people, worrying about their situation takes a toll on us. When I was looking after my mother a friend said to me 'you can't give from an empty cup, and boy, do you want to give.' Making time to restore my own energy became a priority for me - nice walks, a hot bubble bath, hugging the dog....
It is ok to be a survivor - we can all stand tall with what we have learnt and achieved. Stepping past problems that are not ours to solve is a form of wisdom me-thinks! And if we want to help others, then perhaps we are able to do it better when we not only survive but also thrive! I couldn't do it on my own, but I could with the support of friends and Al Anon.
Thanks or helping me. I guess we all have a choice. I decided I was not going to stop my life. I have been eating again. I asked my husband and son to take me out and I put on my nice dress and fixed myself up. I took my mom out to the park. she cried a little when I told her. I said I would never leave her. I guess I am a fool, but I hold out a little hope that his liver is not too far gone.
I need to get over this martyr thing. I feel like I am not entitled to what I worked so hard to get. My brother bullied me so much I wanted to kill myself when I was a kid. I lost all those years. I had the pills in my hand to end it all, and then I thought. NO I'll fight and fight and fight and fight. I did. It took years for me to stop feeling suicidal. My brother's kids think I am supposed to convince him and fix him and give him my liver. The problem is that he was never held accountable for anything he did. He did not care that I wanted to kill myself because of him.
He's refusing to see me and won't speak to me. It's probably for the best. Maybe when he's away from everything, he can just be himself. I asked him once, he was a sports star in school, Do you even like sports? He had no idea what I meant. I guess it never occurred to him. My parents tried to turn me into a sports star, but I told them I didn't want to play. I played music. They thought it was weird.
He blamed me when I saw him in the hospital. He said I was putting pressure on him when I told him, we love you, we need you and want you to feel better. We don't care about any of this drinking problem.. I guess that was wrong thing to say. I am going to the groups again at least to help myself and my mom.
I probably did wrong thing. Okay, my brother is not allowing me to speak to the doctors or talk to him. He made his friend power of medical attorney. The friend makes excuses. example" Well he couldn't help with your parents because he was so sick. He was having PTSD from his job in military, wife left him and kids were misbehaving."
BEFORE all this happened before drink, years ago, brother wasn't helping me. My aunt and uncle were elderly and I helped them and went shopping for them. I visited my aunt in nursing home. He did nothing. He saw her once in like 4 years. I would invite him to my children's birthday, and he would cancel at last minute. His wife was nasty and rude to myself and my whole family. I guess it was okay as long wife was not nasty to him. Once, while I was pregnant, I had the flu and my little daughter did too. My dad had to go to hospital with mild heart attack. So I had to take care of my dad, the week before having the baby. I called my brother to come help me, and he laughed in my face. I finally just wrote them all off and quit trying.
The night he called the ambulance to come and get him. He called me in the middle of the night right before. I told him, you have to fight fight fight as hard as you can. (I thought he was just depressed and didn't know he was drinking). Then next day, I went to hospital and saw his doctors. The doctor told me, there was hope. His liver was shot, but she thought it would get better but he could never ever drink again. He might eventually need a liver transplant, but she didn't know.
When his POA saw doctor, he said he's terminal and does not want to live. I guess there's nothing I can do. My brother chose this POA. Quite frankly, I am tired of all this toxic nonsense. I don't want him to die, but WHEN is he going to be accountable for anything?
(((Anne))) - I am sorry for the situation and am also sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
