The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Does anyone have any insights on the following? My addict daughter has always fantasised about a life based on opulence, and in the past I have engaged with her, and even helped her with her big ideas about becoming a coffee representative for a supplier in Vietnam resulting in financial loss because I had to take time out from my work to travel to where she lived and help put together a business plan for her. She sabotaged it by having a huge party in the penthouse she was staying in and trashing it.
Tonight she was once again reading aloud to me a wonderful future that she envisioned whilst she was serving time in prison. I mentioned that we had been down this road several times in the past, and asked her how this time was going to be different? She lost it, and became very aggressive, and said I was being negative. Bare in mind that her P addict boyfriend is about to turn up on the doorstep and whisk her away to a motel for the long weekend.
What I would like to hear from others' are your views on whether or not I should have said anything. I am well aware that it is none of my business what she does, but is it too much to challenge your adult children in your own home?
If they live in your home? Only to draw a a boundary around getting a job and getting out by a certain date. Beyond that, it's pointless. I got the same reactions any time I told my ex-A to "be practical." It led to round and round arguments about me being "unsupportive" while literally supporting him.
Welcome to MIP! My experience is more aligned with Pinkchip. My sons are two of my qualifiers and both had grandiose plans that weren't impossible with a clean mind and plan....However, I see my job as a parent to be supportive and teach independence. I've had to get 'real' and explain that I am not a bank, a driving service, a free proposal writer, a flop house and more.
I set boundaries that I was comfortable with and they could not live with them. They no longer reside in my home and it's been a good change for all. They got real jobs, pay real bills and have real debt/responsibilities.
I encourage you to find support locally through Al-Anon. You will find others with similar experiences. You will find support that will help you make boundaries for your life as well as learn how to detach with love. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
She became angry because she finally hit a speed bump in her repeated race toward "self-interest." She hasn't learned any lessons but YOU HAVE!!! you have been down this road time and time again, and you no longer want to repeat it... You've hit your bottom. she hasn't. That's okay.
Hitting a bottom is a gift!! because now I can practice something different.... i can stop "touching the hot stove" again and again because it's so painful when I keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result... (a perfect definition of insanity.)
Hold on to what you KNOW. Detach from her and her criticism of you, it's just manipulation, she wants what she wants like a brat. Detachment is never letting someone control how we think... feel... or behave. You can tell her what I've told my kids, "Good luck with that." ... it kinda fulfills the suggestion I was given, "be for yourself. not against others."
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 21st of October 2016 12:11:17 PM
Aloha Aprilc and welcome to the board. My first and only question for you is about you...how well do you know yourself because the biggest problem I had/have regarding my involvement with others especially close family is me. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God as I understand God". When I tried to help and direct others without having the tools I got broken.
Ours is a Step Program which starts out truthfully with the 1st step being, "We admitted we were powerless (over alcoholism) and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Narcotics Anonymous also has a family group function and I would suggest you contact them now and ask for help. If that doesn't work for whatever reason come back here and join us cause this isn't called Miracles in Progress for nothing. (((((hugs)))))
