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My boyfriend and I recently broke up a few months ago because he got seriously injured after an alcohol related event and then chose to continue to drink. I could not go through another situation like the one I had just been through and I had to distance myself so I moved out. We have still been talking and "trying" to make it work. His drinking got better for a little, and it's been getting REALLY bad lately. We talk about how he drinks and how he "wants" to stop, I'm sure he does, but the disease prevents him from doing this on his own. He keeps telling me that he needs me with him so that he doesn't drink and the only way he will be able to stop is if he has me to come home to. I know this has nothing to do with me and I did not cause his problem nor can I fix it, but I just need to some clarification and maybe encouragement that I am doing the right thing in not moving back in with him. I love him so much and it's so hard to watch him go through this especially when he's dealing with his injury as well, but I feel like there is nothing I can do to help him...we were together five years and nothing I ever did helped him stop drinking then...
-- Edited by vvv on Thursday 20th of October 2016 07:50:19 PM
Welcome to mip. You are so right, there is nothing that you can do, or say to stop him from drinking. If only we had that kind of power/influence over our loved ones then there would be no need for Al anon, AA etc. His stating that he needs you to come home to so that he can stop drinking is the disease talking. Looking for someone else to be responsible for them, someone else to smooth the path etc. He had 5 years with you and didn't stop so what has changed? He will either get sober on his own with support from programs like AA or he wont. There is an old saying "He is going to drink..... What are you going to do? Al anon helps us take the focus off of them and put it on ourselves. They obsess about alcohol, we obsess about them. I encourage you to find yourself a group in Al anon where you can get the support you deserve. It takes time and a lot of work to detach with love from them but it is so worth it and peace can be found no matter what they are doing.
In Al Anon we do not give advice. I will give you my experience, you can take what you like. I've been with my fiancé for 2 1/2 years. Whenever he was with me before we lvedv together he wouldn't drink. But when we were apart he would drink and use pretty excessively. This created the illusion for me that I was such a positive influence on him that all he needed was me and he wouldn't use. before when he would go on binges the only person's phone call if you would answer was mine. And if I Asked him to come home he would. Now that doesn't happen anymore. Over the last month he's been a total on 15 days. Only coming home one time for three days. And now he's gone again and will not talk to me.
I am now in the process of my recovery trying to figure out why I allowed myself to have the illusion of control. That somehow there was something I could do for him. That somehow I was special and I could bring him back from this.
They say that alcoholism and addiction is a cunning and baffling disease. I am now starting to believe that more than ever. I am not trying to contend with what makes me stay.
Also, when he started acting really serious about recovery about 18 months ago, I stopped socially drinking for him. I had 18 months of sobriety to support him. None of that seems to matter now. He still binging. My support really didn't do much for him that I can tell.
They love to have external reasons for why they drink. "I drink because you drive me crazy." "I drink because you won't do X for me, and X is the one thing I really need." (If we do X:) "You're doing X wrong, that's why I'm drinking." "You're doing X but I can tell you're not really supportive enough." "You want me to stop drinking, I can tell it, you're trying to control me, that's why I'm drinking." "You don't even care about my drinking, that's why I'm drinking." Whatever we do, their excuses can neatly fit our actions.
The fact that he's blaming someone else for his drinking shows he hasn't accepted what he needs to accept for real recovery. Namely, that he is the one who must make a different decision, not anyone else.
You're right, if your actions were going to make a difference, they would have by now. If anything we can do could make a difference, we would have discovered it by now. Millions of people have been trying for years and years!
I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself. Hugs!
vvv - I too send you warm welcomes.....glad that you found us and glad that you shared.
Alcoholism is a disease of thinking. It is progressive and also is called a family disease. This is so because it draws in others who love or live with the alcoholic. AA is one path for an alcoholic who wants recovery. Al-Anon is one path for family and friends affected by the disease for recovery.
The disease brings huge amounts of denial for most involved. We develop distorted thinking and destructive ways of dealing with life because of the disease and how it affects us. They do too. All of these create the circle of insanity, drama and chaos that comes with the disease. Trying to discuss, relate, convince, plan, control, lead, compromise, etc. with an active alcoholic (one not yet in recovery) is often pointless and a waste of time.
In Al-Anon, we learn more about the disease and how it affects us. We learn to detach with love and establish boundaries to help us have a happy, joyous and free life. We work to put our needs first and stop assuming or planning our days/lives based in what they may/may not do/think/say. We move forward productively and constructively to deal/heal from/with the disease and stop judging them - accepting it's a disease and they are sick.
We don't give advice and we try to discuss us vs. them. Al-Anon meetings can bring you to others who understand what you are living with and will support you. There is help and hope in Al-Anon, and it's a safe place to share without judgement or advice. Keep coming back here - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know this has nothing to do with me and I did not cause his problem nor can I fix it
-- Edited by vvv on Thursday 20th of October 2016 07:50:19 PM
This is some great clarity here. No it does not have anything to do with you, you did not cause it and no YOU can not fix it. He has to. And the best thing you can do in this situation is get out of his way, and let him fix it.
My ex ABF was good at that. I bought the "I need you" line for years, because it felt good to be needed and I truly believed that I was so powerful that I could change him.
His mom had been going to Al Anon for years. She is one awesome lady.
I got to the point where I had enough and told him to leave and get himself together. He started with the "I'll fall apart without you" - his mom told me "let him then".
So I did. He ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. Was in psych for a few weeks, broke out of there somehow, called me from the side of a bridge telling me if I didn't take him back in he was going to jump.
I hung up, called the police, the hospital and then his mom. She did something I never forgot - she laughed when I told her. "Your son is on a bridge and he's going to jump!!'
She said "Well, I hope he brought a change of clothes. The waters gonna be pretty cold" - and that was it for her. She literally didn't react! I was shaking and crying and sick to my stomach, and she laughed.
It was then that I realized that he had been doing this to everyone, his whole life. If it wasn't me, it was the next guy.
His mom used her Al Anon tools so well in that moment, she got out of his way. I learned that day to do the same.
He went back to the hospital, embarrassed, defeated because no one reacted the way he wanted, which would have enabled him to continue.
He's in recovery today, in school and doing his best. I've tried being around him a few times, but learned that I can still get in his way and I need to work on me right now.
I wish you the best in all of this. It's not easy, it hurts, but I promise there is hope. You're not alone.
Thank you all so much for your feedback. This has been such a hard time and a CONFUSING time! When you've never gone through anything like this and your friends and family haven't you just feel so lost! I really appreciate the feedback and it really helped hearing that "it's the disease talking," that's hard to understand, but at the same time it makes sense. I guess what I'm most confused about is how do you know what is the disease talking and what is real talk?
Aloha VEE and welcome to the family and cheers for your courage to stay and talk and listen. This post you have authored is very inspiring to me a life time member of the Al-Anon Family groups because I know that if there is one thing that will support a family member or friend or spouse of an alcoholic and/or addict, it will be the Experience, Strength and Hope of others who have walked in their shoes until they finally surrendered, just as has been done here, that will dramatically and miraculously change their lives. What we suffer from is addiction also and that is the addiction to the alcoholic/addict and the idea that we must and will be the reason they will change, stop drinking and using and become the persons we are proud of and center our peace of mind, serenity and happiness on....our Higher Powers and then over the 65+ years Al-Anon has been in experience and the 70+ years AA has that has not and will not ever happen.
I've been in recovery for 37 years and also have wide experience as a clinical therapist centered in this disease and up to this minute the only thing that I have been assured of is the experience, strength and hope from others to support another to find daily recovery.
The last person my wife needed to get clean and sober was me, especially since she chased my drinking addiction. "God I wish I could drink that way" *the alcoholic's prayer" was what she would say when we drank together and it almost killed us both. Alcohol is a form of poison; a mind and mood altering chemical no matter who is doing the drinking. I had to get into recovery AND get the hell out of her life in order for me and her to have a chance at life and when that happened over lots of time we both got sober and clean and found sanity.
It took and takes commitment and the daily belief in the program and daily working of it because the program does work when you work it as you already know.
Turn him over to God as you understand God. Admit your powerlessness to God and to the fellowship and come join us on a daily basis reaching out to help others when and were you can.
I'm grateful you came to share...This share will keep my mind and spirit busy for most of the day. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
