The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mom had her surgery today, it went well. Waiting for pathology results Monday.
Anyway, I offered to bring her some dinner. I have a f2f meeting tonight at 8, I told her I had to leave around 7:30 to meet a friend for coffee.
That was dumb. I really should have thought through every avenue first.
"Who are you meeting?"
"A friend"
"Who?"
"No one you know, don't worry about it"
"WHO"
"Mom it's an old friend from high school, no one you knew. And it's not a date, so don't worry, I'm just meeting a friend"
"WHO. I know all of your friends"
AAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
I tried to redirect the conversation towards what I could bring her for dinner, but it didn't work & now she's angry with me. I was put on the spot, I should have just lied and said a name but I wasn't that quick thinking. I hate lying, it's not a default reaction for me to do that.
I don't want anyone to know I am doing this. I am assuming some alcoholics are OK with their loved ones being in Al Anon, my group of qualifiers would NOT be OK at ALL.
They would see it as a slight towards them and I know it would bring all kinds of chaos into my life if the found out.
I am working on practicing detachment, but it's really hard when she lives 5 min away from my place of work, 10 min away from my house and is so up in my business that she could probably predict when I need to poop.
I want to attend 2 meetings a week, and I don't want anyone to know I'm doing it.
Completely understand not wanting to lie about anything. That just complicates life.
I prefer to say nothing, or change the subject, but there are "those people" who pry and pry and just won't let something go.
The trouble is, it is difficult to always be prepared for these sorts of situations. People pounce with their unbridled curiosity and I am caught off guard.
I understand how you feel. My AH and my mom both know I go because I couldn't really sneak out of the house every week at the same time without some raised eyebrows ;) I don't really talk about it much with them though. MY AH was beyond mad when I decided to go but he got over it.
I do not tell co workers or friends who are not in the program themselves because I don't think they would understand. And I honestly don't want people prying into my life. I agree the less you say the better. Wishing you luck with that.
HUGS
KT
I learned and practiced (LOL) telling my Mom softly "Its none of your business" just the same way I told my alcoholic/addict wife. My body language and my verbal language were both in sync and so therefore it ended. Some people say after a while "Oh big deal" and my thinking replies "Next"!! Sad with you that you've gone thru this and in time it will become easier. (((((Sarah G)))))
Ooh i like Jerry's suggestion very much. Its a good place to begin a boundary. My own mother bought me wine before my first alanon meetings all the while saying it was great i was going. baffling and cunning Is alcoholism.
I have gotten to the point where I just tell others that I have an appointment......I give a look with my statement that suggests I am not going to say more no matter how often you press/push. I agree there are always some who just can't help themselves and feel they must know every detail of my life - I have given Jerry's answer above and other times, I've replied with assorted nonsense answers.
Boundaries are so very important for/to me. I recall two different moments with my own mother about boundaries. We sat in a restaurant and I told her I loved her dearly. I told her I felt her love for me as well. And then I proceeded to suggest that I was working on healing myself. I didn't expand or explain. I shared that I needed her in my life as part of my healing, but I needed her to view me as a capable adult growing, learning, living and changing. I would always be her baby, but her baby was independent now...
I caught her for lunch so she was clear-headed...she wasn't sure how to respond so she didn't. It helped for a while and then she reverted (as we all do) back to old habits. We went to the same restaurant, shockingly ended up at the same table, and I repeated the above again. Years had passed in between and I knew she was coming from a place of love - co-dependent, but still love. The second time stuck much better and while things aren't perfect, she's done much, much better as she's aged. We've not had to do it again - I've grown and she's grown and it's as good as it's supposed to be, right now.
There will come a point in your recovery where you will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you. This is a promise and it's come true for all I know who work recovery. This too shall pass!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all so much for your responses. I agree, it's time to start working on some boundaries, gently.
I realize how much control I give her. I am 35, have three children, manage a business and still somehow I have to tell my mommy where I'm going at night.
