The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ah woke up this morning in what appeared to be a terrible mood. It took me a while to identify it and in that time period he criticized me numerous times. By the time he was ready to leave I was ready to say good riddance. He left one parting criticism about the work I did with my daughter on her spelling practice because she was struggling with a word. I asked him not to criticize her in front of her. He disagreed. I've been fuming for a while but I realize that I can detach from his bad mood. I don't need to take it on myself and let it affect me so much. I can just take a breath and go on with the day I was planning to have today. Which is a good one by the way.
Not only do you not need to tolerate verbal abuse but neither does your daughter. I don't know how old she is but hopefully you can teach her how to detach also so this disease doesn't suck her in and affect the type of relationships she gets involved in as she gets older. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's NOT OK to treat someone like that.
(((KT))) - urghhhhh - mornings are challenging enough with children ... sorry that 'this' was the start of your day. I love that the program does give us tools to move on and what popped into my head - I can start my day over at any time! I used this often when my boys were younger, and we had troubled mornings.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know a lot of critical people and most of them aren't alcoholics. This is a common personality problem and those of us who can't handle the criticism are often called too sensitive, or can't you take a joke, etc. My XAH was like this but I see it in my work place, with friends, and family, too. The best tool I learned was: just because someone says something about your or someone else, doesn't make it true.
Hope you have a great day despite the negative start!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I agree Andromeda, many people think that judging and critiquing behavior is the best way to obtain changed results.This is not simply an alcoholism trait, however alanon tools of detachment and validating our choices work well.
Knowing that we are powerless over others frees us up to respond in a healthy fashion and so teach our children that they have choices as well
Sorry that your morning started out rough, KT. The good news is you have a good day planned. So enjoy your day and time away from hubby in order to re-group with our al-anon tools. Sometimes we are blind-sighted, but you are working a strong program and can take care of yourself and model for your daughter. I bet she has already picked up on many healthy ways of dealing with dad.
You continue to write posts about how it works! You catch yourself... (which is not failure, it means you've succeeded!) and you continue to Let go... Let go... and Let go again.
There are those peaceful times in a relationship when things go smoothly. And then there are those challenging times when all we can do is detach...
So do NOT be discouraged, you're doing it!!!
I wanted to protect my kids from their dad's alcoholic insanity too. The reality is, my kids have an alcoholic dad. I am powerless to change that. But they also have a mother learning in recovery, also influencing them. They have two role models conditioning their brains and it's one reason I like to keep my seat in Al-anon warm.
Enjoy your beautiful day, thank you again for the inspiration.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 20th of October 2016 10:58:07 AM
At first I just took the nitpicking, abuse etc not even realising it was nitpicking and abuse.
Then I started to become aware it was those things. I usually realised some hours later. Then i began to be aware as it started. Then I became able to take action. I removed myself. I will not allow ANYONE to nitpick or be abusive to me. I treat people nicely, I deserve the same back.
For me, the hardest part was actually realising what was going on.
I loved hearing that you were able to take a deep breath, let go of it, and move on into your day. I am learning a little bit more every day. Thank you all for your wisdom. - Beth
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"put yourself in the place where grace can flow to you." - robert lax
I'm sorry your day began like this. Good for you for being able to see outside of it. The words still hurt, but there is peace in knowing that at the heart of it, those words really have nothing to do with you.
In my experience, the alcoholics in my life like to criticize me in an effort to bolster their feelings about themselves.
I'm not drinking, I'm not causing grief.
So they're going to pick out everything about me they don't like (being human, I am flawed!), to prove to themselves that they are the better person here, and their drinking isn't really a problem. My attitude is the problem.
The way I see it..
You worked on your daughters homework with her.
He feels guilt for not being the one to do that.
So to squash that guilt and convince himself that he is the better person, he will criticize "how" you helped her with her assignment.
Bingo, bango, you're horrible, she's going to fail, life is a disaster so I'm gonna have a drink to chill and get away from this mess.
He's got to keep the dialogue going that justifies that it's ok to keep missing out on these bonding opportunities and continue to drink.
You have the power to not participate in that dialogue.
Let him rant, turn your attention towards something productive.
It's not about you. You could put anyone in your place.. new wife, new daughter, and they would still get the same treatment.
What I have loved most about finding Al Anon, We all have the same experiences.
It might be a different type of relationship (sibling/friend/spouse/parent) but the experiences with an alcoholic are so similar across the board.
We've all faced that wagging finger. You're not alone.
For sure I hear and see another opportunity for compassion and empathy toward him. I hate starting a morning in a negative bad mood and had that thought just an hour ago when I was waking up myself. Hope he finds his way out of it cause that sucks. (((((hugs))))) for you and your daughter thank her for the opportunity to work your program and experience the will of your HP. ((((hugs))))
thanks everybody I love you guys!!! My day went better. A lot better. It didn't turn into the chaos it used to. I moved on and my daughter got perfect on her spelling test ;)
All of your support was helpful. I love being able to start my day over any moment of the day. Things are calmer tonight and I feel peaceful and that is the most important thing. My daughter and I are doing great because of this wonderful program and all the love it has brought back into our home. Hugs to everyone!!
Way to work it KT - congratulations to you for using your program and moving forward and YAY for daughter's spelling test!!! I too love the ability to start our day at any point! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
