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I was doing so well last week. I was focusing on me and my happiness. I let my recovering alcoholic have his moods and I didn't judge or get caught up with them.
BUT I snapped on Saturday. Our theee year old was being three, and I'm pregnant and I'm just TIRED of being alone and having no joy in our house! I wouldn't care if I didn't have a toddler to try and save face with! How do I keep to my side of the street, but also ask him to help with our son? I can't do everything alone, I need help. No family here. Has anyone experienced this?
How do I worry about myself and my happiness but still get the help i need to care for our son? And when my recovering husband is down or tired or moody (which is EVERYDAY) and he begins to lose his patience with my son what do I do? Just let him destroy his relationship with him?
Thanks for listening!
I can relate, my son is 4 now. Some days I wish I wasn't raising him in this disease and still, I know it was my love for him that helped me get to Al anon, helped me want a better life for him and then later want better for myself.
One thing that helped me was to plan as if I was on my own, make my decisions for myself then invite AH to join or contribute when he could. It helped keep my expectations low and my focus on what I chose for myself instead of trying sooo hard to accommodate AH then often feel disappointed when he couldn't or wouldn't follow through.
I did for a long time try to moderate the relationship between AH and our son. I was fearful AH would fall back on poor parenting or even be drunk alone with our son. The good advice I got was to focus on teaching my son how to protect himself. I taught him my phone number so he could call me if he ever felt scared or upset and made sure he knew the people on our hall in our apartment building so he could go to them for help. We talked a lot about "my body, my rules" making it clear that nobody is allowed to hurt him, and made time every day to share about anything that made him upset, so he knew I was ready to listen to him.
Focusing on these things helped me see where I could have agency and be helpful to my son, and where the decisions were truly up to AH. AH figured out how to step up in his own time after I stopped trying to control his parenting
Great response Dandelion. I too found alanon so as to learn how to survive and thrive in an alcoholic marriage with a small child. It worked. Prior to program I can remember thinkin:" I am going to kill him but if I do t then my son will not have any parents", I stuck to alanon like glue after that I never regretted it. Please keep coming back "Changed attitudes aid recovery."
Your powerless over almost all of it. An active drinker is unlikely to be able to be the partner you want or the father you want. His attention and time is taken up with a disease. Its hard to accept. I remember having three small children and my partner was drunk more than sober and we went from crisis to crisis for years, lots of damage done to the whole family. My kids dont have the father i dreamed of, they have a father who is an alcoholic, just the reality. Me wanting it different never made it different. Can you get to meetings, theres no need to be alone i this, there is support at meetings, often much better than family support too.
Thank you all so much for your responses. I usually get to meetings once on the weekends which is hard when I'm trying to spend time with my son but they do always help.
Your words have given me hope. Some days he is THE BEST father and husband ever. Some days he is grouchy and tired and a bear.
He's currently dry but not really working on anything. It's exhausting not knowing who I'm getting. Even more exhausting getting someone who says they're "fine".
Thanks again. It helps me feel less lonely. Which I do almost everyday.
Prissykitty - welcome aboard and I can so relate.....my boys are now 24 and 22 and there were days where I literally did not know how I would get through. I did not find Al-Anon when they were younger and regret that almost more than anything else. I was anxious, stressed, angry, worried and they felt it. This kept me and them from living life one day at a time, and enjoying the present.
I too acted as if I was a single parent - planning accordingly! I stopped expecting that which wasn't going to happen - I new the definition of insanity....doing the same thing over and over - expecting different results. Even though, I was still a crazy lady most of the time, but we all got to the other side. If my husband was present, willing and able to contribute, I just considered it a bonus and was grateful.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery. You and your children will both benefit from you finding the time to work your program. As I said, this is my biggest regret for my boys. Neither does a good job managing stress and I have no doubt I contributed to parts of that. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is hard. For me, I had to accept I was a married single parent. That took away the expectation part, or at least lessened it. We ended up living in separate states which was awesome and also suckful. We've been reconciled for a few months and its better than its ever been in terms of shared responsibilities. But, I had to dive into alanon and do a whole lot of work on boundaries, self esteem and letting go. I used to see us as the be all and end all, whereas now, its day by day, gratitude for what is and being assertive around what's not working for me. It is all a process and I take nothing for granted. My kids are 5, 3 and 2. He too has to want it. I did give my husband the option of sailing off into the sunset because I didn't see any commitment. As in, making plans and following through. Very very basic things. I've reiterated my feelings and thoughts and followed through with boundaries I could stick to. When I need help, I tell him. There are still things about both of us that piss off the other one. Don't let go of your programme. I actually think the ultimate boundary is knowing you can take it or leave it. It doesn't even need to be said, it just becomes part of you. People respect you when you respect yourself and that to me, self respect, has been an amazing gift of alanon.
This post brings lots of hurt and pain as the memories are from my first addict I was married to and who was the mother of the children and then only superficially as she has her own priorities and when she was doing those I without reluctance did Dad and we had lots to do including when she came back into the family and we had to adjust for reason. I worked lots of shift work during the evening and night time hours left the house with her as the single parent and then I was toast because her people would come around and flood the house with their addiction and the family would slump rearward even further. The marriage ended in divorce and the courts awarded her complete responsibility for the children telling me that they didn't consider males/fathers loving caring parents. That one opened up the gates of hell for me and I went in and stayed until I found the doors of recovery.
Thank God for God and the AFG and MIP and you all cause I get to make choices that lead me into and thru other spiritual doors that bring me to sanity and serenity. My family is still broken and have me in their lives. I cannot repair or remake the people who use to be toddlers all I can do is present them with a very very different way of living even as they destroy what isn't broken. HP has gotten all four of the siblings and their spouses and their children and grand-children and my wife and I support that as they do the best they can with what they have.
My exwife? Saw here the day before yesterday riding up the sidewalk on her Vespa going home with a white parrot on her left shoulder and a green one on her right and as I passed her I offered her up again to HP. It is what it is. I no longer have any resentments. ((((hugs))))
It hurts very much to read your post, I have experienced exactly what you describe and understand the suffering. My husbands drug addiction began during the time I had our first child and then I became pregnant 10 months later with our second. This happened over 30 years ago now. Like you, I had no family to help me in the state where we lived.
I must tell you that you are absolutely correct. YOU can't do it. (and neither could I, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.)
But God can. THAT is where the strength came from. We are powerless over their disease (and so are they) but we are NOT helpless. Humans are limited, but Higher power is UNLIMITED and that is the power we tap into.... just by ASKING for it.
Some days, I didn't think I had the strength to crawl out of bed. I was exhausted like you... doing it all... holding our family together all by myself. But every time I prayed for more faith and more strength, it came. every single time. Like, God seems to LONG for me to just ask Him for help. Along with confident belief... it never fails.
My dis-ease would get triggered by my husbands. My dis-ease is in my thinking so I have to watch my thoughts. My dis-ease tries to convince me that I'm a victim.... that I can't do this by myself... that I have no more strength... I can't do it anymore etc. etc. It's not true, these are lies. Being affected by alcoholism left me with very negative thinking. I learned to NOT believe everything I think.
I urge you to consider stepping up your meetings per week if you can because that is what brought me so much peace. where I live, we have meetings that offer babysitting. Some members offer to babysit in the next room over. I've also been to meetings where members just brought their children to the meeting with a bag full of goodies and busy-work. We do what we have to do when we desperately need a meeting. Ask your group to help you figure this out.
You indicated in your post that you were doing so well last week by focusing on yourself and your happiness. Go back to what is working well, my friend, practice that again. All of us in recovery take two steps forward and two steps back sometimes... this is just how it works until we gradually become steady. You did it last week, and you can certainly do it again, I know you can... by tapping into your unfailing Higher Power.
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 20th of October 2016 12:00:08 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 20th of October 2016 12:21:17 AM
Thanks for this post. I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old and can relate to so much of this. I'm very new to Al-anon and it really helps to know that people have got through these hard times.
Thanks to everyone for your amazing words. We had a good couple of days but alas his rage is back. I came down with a cold two days ago but he was dying to go to an MLB postseason game last night. I told him no problem that I would take care of our son even though I felt terrible. This morning I asked that he watch our son tonight so I could rest. He first of all snapped that he already KNEW that and I didn't need to tell him.
Well he and three year old were home when I got out of the shower just now. I walked into the living room and my husband was sleeping on the couch NOT watching our son. I told him "please wake up. This really isn't fair. When you go out with this friend you are very often useless the next day and right now I am 7 months pregnant and sick. You need to watch our son"
He started yelling and screaming so I walked away. I went in the bathroom to steam my sinuses and he decided to throw his belt at the door and continue to yell at me. I said "if you're gonna be violent you can leave. The conversation is over" I'm pretty sure he continued yelling at me but I closed the door and ignored him.
Oh the mood swings and defensiveness in a dry drunk are almost worse than living with an active drinker!!!! Saying prayers now!
My youngest daughter was 2 and my oldest was 6 when my addicts addiction hit the fan. All I can say was i got through it one step at a time. Literally, I felt like I could only deal day to day. But I made it through.
Dealing with addiction is hard enough, being pregnant I can only imagine makes it so much harder to function. Just make sure to take care of yourself and keep coming to Alanon. It sounds like you are wanting some joy each day. Maybe just make sure to take a moment with your child and create a memory each day for you two and take the simple joy you can. Read a book, walk the dog, break out some playdough and giggle.
I used to go swimming or to McDonalds a few times a week just to get out and focus on something other than addiction. It wasn't some amazing memory, but it made me feel like I had a break and my kids and I enjoyed it. I hope you can find something that gives you a break too.
I think you really hit the nail on the head with 'dry drunk'. There is such a huge difference between sober and dry drunk. A dry person still has all the behaviors and traits of a person with an active addiction. A sober person has changed their behaviors. I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a really tough situation. I hope you can get to some face to face meetings and find some good support.
As an adult child and someone who has been working in the child protection field for nearly a decade, I would say protect your children. You can make choices for you, the alcoholic can make choices for him, but your children, both born and unborn cannot. I think as adults we can say 'let it go' but your children's very wellbeing depends on you. The protective parent !
Read some work from Dr Bruce Perry and get informed on the Lo g term impact of trauma ( even just verbal violence) has on children's brain development.
