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Has anyone noticed that even when u detach they r not there for u but in a rant that is almost automatic? I keep thinking why can't he just listen to me and not get mad at whatever it is.. He is entitled to feelings but I have to stay neutral or things go bad. Is neutral detaching? Sometimes I wonder? Example: I have a bad day at work and try and tell him but before I can even tell him everything he starts ranting about the people where I work are abusing me and blah, blah...I don't think that's true but he rants and gets so mad. This happens with almost all topics that it is very hard to have a connection with him no one likes to be yelled at even when it isn't u they r mad at ( is this verbal abuse?) I find it hard to detach and actually talk to him because of this ranting he does-he apologizes later but my anxiety goes thru the roof my depression kicks in and I feel like someone stomps on me. How do u have a relationship with someone when they can't hear anything you are actually trying to say without twisting it to some negative place.
I recognise the behaviour that you are describing and like you I struggle to recognise that my husband is not someone who I can go to for comfort - his desire to fix things or to be the sole topic of the conversation is just too strong.
It is hard to have a relationship with him - or at least to have what I thought of as a loving relationship. As a consequence of my feelings being discounted I have become less willing to try. I have, sometimes, become inclined to internalise my feelings and not share them with anyone. That leads to my feeling depressed. Not good self care. So what to do instead? When I can, I speak to a close friend who can cope with letting me off-load and fairly quickly we move our conversation on to something much more enjoyable.
I try to accept that no one person can be 'my all' and meet all my needs. We all have our skills and our failings. My husband does have skills. I wish one of them was learning to just give me a hug and say it 'it is going to be ok' or 'it's ok, I'm here for you' but in reality that just isn't the case. Successful detaching for me, in these circumstances, is remembering that!! I do get a bit fed up with having to be Ms Nice all the time though!!!
I have found that I need to be choosy about what I share with my AH, as well. His go-to response when I share things that are bothering me is also to rant/rave, carry on worse than whatever was bothering me to begin with. The example about complaining about a situation or person at work is perfect. AH would get himself all worked up and call my colleagues morons and dirt bags, and all sorts of awful, untrue things. I would end up defending the folks I was irritatted with! It was crazy!
As you said, milkwood, no one can be our all and meet all our needs. I have learned to talk to a friend, or even do a little journaling to release what I need to.
Sometimes if I've said too much and I can feel him gearing up, I will change the subject and go find something to do. Detachme is work, but it does get easier with practice.
(((HelpAngel))) - I can also relate to your share. What I have learned in my home is my AH is just not capable of supporting me in this manner. If I have a bad moment, experience, situation, I am more likely to take it to my sponsor or a trusted program friend. He and I process very differently and we process at different intervals of time. It doesn't make me right and him wrong, or vice versa - it just is the reality of our lives together.
In my step work, I learned that I expected others to be as I wanted them to be instead of accepting them as they are. My thinking was distorted and I wanted a partner like you 'see' in lifetime movies. I then fought tooth and nail to change my distorted thinking with more distorted thinking - if I lower/remove my expectations, I am sacrificing my values or what is wrong with him that he can't meet my needs?
The continued step work and inventory process gave me insight that perhaps the issue had nothing to do with others, but instead was within me. I had faulty expectations and thinking. My idea of a 'good relationship' was actually very co-dependent - I wanted someone else to 'complete me'. It was eye-opening to find that I had the power to improve all my relationships with others by changing me - how I think, how I process, how I accept and how I love. Love is no longer a feeling in my life - it's an action. I've learned that unconditional love suggests I accept myself and all others exactly as they are - imperfect persons living in an imperfect world, doing the best they can.
I readily admit when my AH gets going on a tangent that is vastly different than where we started, I practice keeping my mouth quiet and repeating over and over again - Bless Him, Change Me...it can be exhausting at times which is why I now take many of my concerns, issues, etc. about feelings especially to other sources.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"How do u have a relationship with someone when they can't hear anything you are actually trying to say..."
I can see that you already know the answer by the title of your post, "Detachment" ....yea for YOU!
Your post reminds me of a meeting long ago, when someone shared an acronym for DETACH:
Don't Even Think About Changing Him (Her.)
So when my AH would rant and rage, I gradually learned to drop the thought that he should be acting differently than he is, he clearly can't. I learned to just detach and OBSERVE him doing his angry thing. I learned to respond to him by saying, "You may be right..." while thinking to myself, "You may also be wrong... or, I know you're wrong!!"... but disagreeing only seemed to stir up more anger in him. Being agreeable calmed him and kept the peace in the house, (which benefitted me and my nervous system.)
I believe his anger was about his fear... his anger FELT powerful to him and made him FEEL he was in control of himself, when actually, his life was quite out of control... the anger was an illusion of control.
I eventually had to acknowledge that I gave his anger power... I had been conditioned to FEAR anger growing up in an alcoholic home...the anger was indeed very powerful, it controlled everyone in the house! I am grateful that Al-anon has gradually helped me see through my own distorted thinking... the illusion... and to stop giving anger so much power.
Great topic (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 18th of October 2016 10:27:50 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 18th of October 2016 10:28:58 AM
Oh my...It's like you all have been married to my own qualifier.
Sharing a problem with him leads to him pronounce THE solution, regardless of whether or not that course of action is something I can realistically do - e.g., "Grow a pair" and loudly confront an annoying member on the Board of Directors. That's simply not my style (I could NOT pull that off!), but if I don't go through with it, ranting ensues. The intensity (and hurtfulness) of the rant increases exponentially if I do not implement his advice, then express concern over the problem. After all, he's given me the answer, I've chosen to ignore it and hence not shown him any respect. Therefore, I deserve the consequences. And, if I was really working my program I would have intuited the solution and under no circumstances would I become worried and anxious. It's like he has a stamp that says "Solved" - and once he's presented me with his directions on how I should handle it, the problem is emphatically stamped "Solved" and the whole incident should be behind me.
It took me a long time, but I've learned not to depend on him for compassion in the style I want it presented; I think he feels he's honestly being helpful when he tells me how to handle something. I have found it far more constructive and peaceful to share my dilemma with close program friends who understand how to offer the support and encouragement I am looking for. During his rants I do my best to stay detached but look like I'm paying attention to him. I'm not always succesful at this, but when I can manage it I emerge from the encounter with far fewer emotional scars.
I can't change him, but I can change what I say...and don't say. (((HelpAngel)))
Thanks for sharing this, your post and the responses were so reassuring - I'm grateful that I've joined this group.
Denizen
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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
No matter how long I've been around or how many posts I read, I am always learning!! Thanks to all for this awesome topic/discussion!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
