I can't remember if I posted this or not .. I did not put this on my recent update because it's so much more than that ..

My beautiful sponsor lost her battle with cancer at the end of September and I have been dealing with a tremendous amount of grief.  I am SO glad I got to see her this summer.  It meant the world to me and I knew she had been sick and still struggling .. it just saddened me a great deal. 

I then was hit with the fact one of my BFF's has been battling her own demons with alcoholism and secretly been drinking to the point she has damaged her liver to the point of no repair.  She needs a transplant.  The hospital is not willing to do a transplant due to the reason that she is ill.  I am devastated for her family she has a 14 year old daughter and her middle son is battling drug addiction.  I have asked for prayers for her son before .. I know this is going to be so hard on him specifically. 

This is the worst grief I have felt since I was 15 and lost my grandpa.  The irony is not lost on me that here it was these women helped me through the worst time in my life pushing and pulling as I kicked and screamed a LOT .. LOL.  Finally it's over.  I have all of this positive stuff happening and I can't share it with the two women who meant the world to me. 

It's been crazy and it's been great, at the same time I have been prone to emotional outbursts and trying to deal with loosing two pivotal women in my life. 

On one hand I know I have an extra angel watching over me on the other I feel selfish because I would rather have her here in person.  My other friend I don't know what I can do or say that will be of service.  I send her text messages from time to time I know she's tired and I don't want to wear her out with my ramblings.  Plus she has enough to deal with.

Anyway, I am grateful for these two women and how much they have meant to me and how the God of my understanding has made sure He has provided me with a new level of feeling which by the way pretty much sucks when you figure out that there is more than one feeling going on inside my head and I'm referring to more than one that is anger.  UGH ... and lol .. my sponsor was such a beautiful soul inside and out .. there are times I wish I understood why she needed this too?  My friend .. how could she be in that kind of pain and I didn't know .. that hurts too.  I know better. 

I'm grateful for recovery because it allowed me to let people in that I would not have gotten more than superficially involved with they knew me and loved me anyway .. for that I will always be grateful. 

Hugs S :)