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It's been about a month since I broke up with my abh. My sense of self/identity/worth was really wrapped up in his attention/approval. As part of my healing/recovery, I know I need to keep working my program and strengthen/understand aspects of myself before I even consider dating anyone again and that it's going to take a looong time. I have been doing pretty well focusing on myself and my recovery and things have been getting better, but I had a sad night last night. I woke up feeling better today and decided to think about what I love about myself while walking my dog -- one of my major thinking/peace times.
I couldn't think of anything that *I* love about myself. I thought about characteristics I have and immediately thought either I'm not really like that -- like kindness, I thought "I'm kind -- oh, no, I'm not really that kind" or I thought I only think I have that characteristic bc other people tell me, eg "I'm smart -- I know I'm smart because my boss and my best friend tell me I'm smart. But wait, that's putting my sense of self in other people's hands -- am I really smart? I don't think so."
My connection with my HP comes and goes, and I am pretty sure my trouble with loving myself or knowing what to love about myself is related to feeling not very connected to HP right now.
I'm going to look through my al-anon literature tonight for guidance and am going to ask my sponsor on Saturday, but in the meantime, I wondered if any of you fine folks have any specific tools/ESH for helping a person discover what they love about themselves.
I haven't physically spent time with my ex abf for over 5 weeks now and we haven't text or talked for over 2 weeks now - there are days I'm feeling really strong and proud of myself and then there are days like yesterday I felt so sad and lonely. I guess after 8 years of talking everyday it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions now that it has ended.
Sounds like you are following the Al-Anon tools to feel better and that's great!
Trust me when I say you are kind, you are smart and I'm sure you are a beautiful, caring person! That's our problem - we care too much about others and not enough about ourselves. Hopefully by now only focusing on ourselves and not the alcoholic we can get to where we love ourselves as much as we loved them.
E.I.M. I love how you are reviewing your assets and reinforcing them to yourself. Remember that this is new and your "negative" thinking will attempt to discount any positive attributes that you attempt to embrace.
I call these my "ANTS" (Automatic Negative Thoughts) Just keep reinforcing your assets by listing them daily and recite the serenity prayer or slogan as "BUG spray on the ANTS.
I woke up with a head cold so collecting myself and my thoughts today might be a bit delayed! Often for me, if I start with a gratitude list and review that it helps me find my assets. I then write those down as well. The one item that often pops into my mind that applies to us all is we are survivors. Living with this disease is not easy so be sure to consider the strength required to live with, survive, heal and deal with the disease that brings us together.
Keep coming back - keep working it. You are worth it. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are doing fine - I think that bright/smart people ask themselves questions so I'm kind of guessing you are on the right side of smart! And you give your dog a good home - that more than makes the grade in my book!!
It might not work for everyone but I started to think about the things that I liked and the hopes that I had when I was a young girl treating each day anew. I realised that I had not changed that much, that my core values were ok and I gave myself permission to go and do some of the things that I hadn't got round to doing yet.
Another phrase I've started using lately is 'on balance.' For instance, 'on balance, the house is clean enough!!'
I doubt I'll ever be perfect, or a saint, nor would I relish either, I simply hope to tread lightly on this earth in the time allotted to me!
eim, thank you for beginning this discussion. This is a very hard one for me, as well. Sometimes I feel whip-lashed by my long-practiced negativity: If I hit a spell where I'm actually feeling good about myself, I get really scared that I'm just ignoring and covering up the fact that I really am (fill in the blank - selfish, ignorant, etc). Part of what hits me is that maybe I am the one who is the narcissist, the one with severe emotional issues and I'm just projecting onto my xAH to keep myself from seeing the "truth".
Through AlAnon, though, I have come to recognize that these feelings are learned responses to decades of emotional abuse. I have come to recognize that in the complex relationship that characterizes dependency/codependency, there is no room for a strong and healthy sense of self-worth. As I heal, the glimmers of my positive self are breaking through for longer periods of time. It is, as we constantly say, a process. I love what milkweed says about balance and treading lightly. That's what the phrase "progress, not perfection" is all about. And it will come for you, we promise!
I think in a way alcoholics and codependents make a nice match because the alcoholics have an inflated sense of importance and pride, and we have too small a sense of them. They think they're always right, we worry that we're never right. They never question themselves, we always question ourselves. So it helps to recognize that our self-opinions are just as distorted as theirs are. But in the opposite direction! The truth is that more self-doubt would be appropriate for them, and less for us. It helps me to recognize that my self-blaming is part of a syndrome that people like me have, and it isn't a reflection of total reality.
I think in a way alcoholics and codependents make a nice match because the alcoholics have an inflated sense of importance and pride, and we have too small a sense of them. They think they're always right, we worry that we're never right. They never question themselves, we always question ourselves. So it helps to recognize that our self-opinions are just as distorted as theirs are. But in the opposite direction! The truth is that more self-doubt would be appropriate for them, and less for us. It helps me to recognize that my self-blaming is part of a syndrome that people like me have, and it isn't a reflection of total reality.
Most alcoholics suffer from low self-esteem, low self-worth and lack of confidence. It is the substance that generates the false outward appearance you speak of. Not all Al-Anon members are codependent and I believe it's very important that we all realize we are each unique.
In recovery, there is no 'we' vs. 'they'. Each person who pursues recovery is working the same set of steps from their own point of reference. Alcoholics obsess over the substance and we obsess over them. Once we accept we are powerless over others and keep the focus on us, we begin to heal. As we examine ourselves and our own buttons, emotions, actions, reactions, we change. As we change, we appreciate ourselves more than before and self-esteem, self-confidence and self-love appear.
If your recovery program requires you to understand more about alcoholic thinking, the best way to digest it is to go to open AA meetings. Podium speakers will share, "What it was like, What Happened and What it is like now"....my experience is this is the best way to understand how painful this disease is in others and will also help you understand more about why we slip. Alcoholics are imperfect just as we. When they tell us they want to be better, they mean it.
I wake up each day asking for God's will and direction to keep me sane, sober, serene and of service. My best version of me puts me first but never at the expense of another. Working the steps, establishing boundaries and detaching with love are awesome ways to show ourselves love while growing in compassion for all those still suffering. I have come to believe that my qualifiers also wake up each day with the intent to have a good day. The disease steps in and things change, but the intent is there. So grateful the program asks us to focus only on 24 hours - not the past or the future.
I think it is dangerous and possibly damaging to personal recovery to ever assume or generalize about other 'groups'. I prefer to take each day as it comes and each person placed in my life as they are. We each have to design our own boundaries and acceptable behaviors. I hold tight to, "When anyone, any where reaches out for help, let the hand of ...... always be there and let it begin with me." (This is used in both sides of recovery - hence the blank spot.)
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I came on the site and saw that Iamhere had posted after me, and I thought, "I'm guessing Iamhere has posted about how wrong I am again." And, sure enough.
All I can say is, as the saying goes, Take what you like and leave the rest.
Hi all -- thanks for the shares. What I'm hoping to find is what I can love about myself, rather than basing my idea of myself on what other people say. For instance, I like my job, but it doesn't pay very well (I'm in a helping profession, of course!) and I often think about changing jobs or careers. When people ask me what I do and they respond by saying "oh, that's so cool, what great work" I think to myself "oh, if that person thinks it's cool, I should stop thinking about a job change, because I must have a cool job since person x thinks so". I know that recognizing this other-focused thinking is a good thing. Now what I need is a way to see what I really do like to do and what I love about myself. I've been trying out loads of new things, so that part of learning what I like to do is working.
I've just started thinking about the whole self-love thing but I was surprised to find that I couldn't find any qualities that I knew I loved about myself. So anyway, I searched online for "self-love worksheets" and found a bunch (not official al-anon stuff, but certainly in line with al-anon principles). One of them includes a gratitude list, and that's something someone here also suggested, so I'm working on that -- and looking at what I can love about myself for the part that I've played in the things I'm grateful for.
I didn't realize how little sense of my own self I had/have. This is definitely part of Step 4 for me - taking an inventory of my good and bad characteristics.
eim - I agree with you that as you work the steps, you'll find more clarity - at least I did. Working with a sponsor helped me tons too - she was the first person who taught me to stop 'talking bad about me'....I was the one who when one said, "Oh - I like you hair"....instead of a simple thank you, I would respond with what I did not like about it. I was often self-deprecating without even realizing it - it was a thinking habit that also presented out loud.
(((Hugs))) - it is, like most other things, a process! Keep doing what you're doing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi eim I think it's wonderful that you want to love yourself because I think that's the first step to getting there. I too struggled in a similar way. My sponsor journals every morning and writes "I love you (insert name)" at the top of the page in her journal. I have learned not to be driven so much by my ANTS as Betty calls it or that loud negative shouting voice in my head. If I am still and peaceful and listen there is a small still voice I sense that guides me in the right direction. What I have learned is that I can be a kind person who isn't perfectly kind.....who could live up to that? I can be a smart person who makes some not so smart decisions. I have really had to learn to give myself a break in terms of my self criticism. I have a great sense of humour but not everyone appreciates it and hey that's ok! Keep working on it and moving forward and try to be kind to yourself. I often tell an Al Anon friend to treat herself like she would a good friend. Would you talk to you best friend (or anyone you love) the way you talk to yourself? If your best friend said she was kind would you look for ways to discredit her? Likely not.
In reading your post I realize I've done some work in this area. I started off by considering the good traits that others saw in me. I evaluated them over time. And I agreed with some and disagreed with others. I can list some pretty great qualities about myself. What helps in building this for me is that when someone attacks my character it doesn't hurt so much. I think my AH and I both had a toxic relationship and would attack eachother's character. There are times that my AH has said what I did was selfish or mean. I always heard "you are selfish or mean". I've learned that even if I am kind and giving at my core I'm still capable of doing something that is selfish or mean without it making me a selfish or mean person. I have learned to tolerate those kinds of comments, look at my actions, make amends if I believe what was said is true and still maintain the sense that I am a kind and giving person. And I've also learned not to attack my AH's character. He did something thoughtless but it doesn't mean he's a thoughtless person. The gift I have found in self acceptance is that you can give it back to others as well.
Have a great day!
Hi KT2015 -- thanks for your share. I don't have especially negative views of myself -- I just have kind of a void. I don't have a big list of stuff I dislike about myself (although I am working on Step 4, so I'm really looking at my defects of character). I just feel like I'm not sure who I am or what I can love about myself. I do realize I've been absurdly logical (perfectionist maybe) about thinking of myself -- I don't have to be kind 100% of the time to consider myself kind.
I really appreciate your technique of considering the good traits that others saw in you and then evaluating them for yourself. I'm working on knowing myself and defining myself as independent of how others categorize me. And then also working on loving what I know :)
I had to learn how to kill my imagination and go with what others actually said to me about me. I use to ask those in the fellowship to feed me back on how they thought of my shares; what I said and how I said it and then my job was to accept the responses without critiquing or judging; after all the thoughts and feeling were theirs and I accepted we given to me honestly. I use to also think that asking other Alanoners that was cheating after all if they were like me they wouldn't take much of a chance at putting me down....and then wrong again. They were not putting me down they were honestly responding and it was I who was negative. I had to change how I thought of myself and change the voice in my head. I was my own worse enemy so therefore how could any others think better of me than I? INSANITY.
My sponsor instructed me to not define myself as I wasn't good at defining anyone. He instructed me to ask my Higher Power how it thought about me and that ended the negative self talk all together and just accept the positive strokes. My sponsor also taught me to say "I love you Jerry" at random times and places and instructed me to "throw your right hand over your left shoulder and give yourself a pat on the back when things are going well with you". That's a good one. ((((hugs)))))
To me, the self love thing came as I dove ever deeper into step two. For me, it seemed to ask, "Who am I?" And when I consider who I am in relation to the Higher Power.... and realizing that God indeed loves what God has created... I began to take good care of myself and my true needs.
Betty's reply is pure gold, Negativity is sooooo strong. My brain is like velcro to negative and teflon to positive. So I have to work very hard at turning the negative around. Seeing it as... Me attacking Me.. and as Jerry says, how insane is that?!
When I catch myself, it doesn't mean that I've failed (my negative brain again!!) it means that I have succeeded....
... And now I can put my hand on my heart and say, "oops, I'm doing it again, my old habit of being at war with myself... I can watch it... accept it, notice how it feels in my body when I think like this... and ask myself what is it that I need most right now, and how can I nourish myself.. I can imagine God kissing me on the brow saying, "It's ok sweetheart"
To me, self love is part of step two.. it's about coming home to my spiritual home. Sometimes I make a beeline to the nature park for some mindful walking to help get me there. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and meditate, as was the case waiting at Laguardia this past week. The more I keep practicing that "turning point," the easier it is to know how loved I am. Without God, I am nothing.. and it is that humility that provides a "self esteem."
I can be sure that if I am turning on myself, I am going backwards in recovery.
Al-Anon daily readers have lots of readings on self love and self-esteem. My experience is... people have always told me what they think of me. They have told me how wonderful I am. They have told me how terrible I am. None of it has power... until I BELIEVE it.
The truth is, I don't want to let others define me, giving power away outside of myself. I want to know that power within me..
I like that 2HP cause it is in part my own experiences and recovery behavior. I have used step 4 almost exclusively to help define me and have used the "Who am I" along with the "What am I". There are masculine aspects of me which have given me Ahas!! as to what I did and why both the good and the bad. When I got into program I was as dumb as a stick and didn't know anything often didn't know that I didn't know so I needed the input and guidance of the old timers and my sponsorship to help me form my definition and I am so grateful for them because I indeed "came to understand". Thanks for the share. (((hugs)))
Choose what brings you to God, my friend, follow your heart. If the AA way works for you, do that, absolutely.
The steps work and I highly recommend living them, all twelve. They point the direction only though, it is up to ME to make them relevant for ME. When the student is ready the teacher appears, but the teacher is always God, the God within, and that is why a meditation practice is necessary. I stay in recovery because I believe Higher Power wants me to heal and overcome all real or imagined dis-ease. All steps are wonderful tools.
Working all steps allows me to forgive myself and stop identifying with my mistakes in the past and my human habits. I am much MORE than my mistakes, a meditation practice reveals that. I have ended my relationship with 3 old timer double winner sponsors because they never did develop a meditation practice. Which is sad because this is where the loving conscious contact comes pouring in.
Please enjoy the numerous Al-Anon readings on self love and self-esteem.... LOVE generates the energy of Higher Power.
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 1st of October 2016 03:05:14 PM
I had a lot of trouble with this at first too; I couldn't think of anything at all.
And then someone suggested to me, "OK, picture your perfect partner, fantasy guy, the person you hoped/thought your A partners had been...you know, The Guy On The White Horse". What are his traits, how does he behave?
I think the idea of the exercise was meant to be "are you putting out what you want to get back" but what I found through that exercise was....me. Oh don't get me wrong, a huge amount of my behaviour/thinking was dysfunctional and awful and needed to change but in amongst it all I found that a LOT of the traits that I sought so highly in a partner were actually...my own. Therefore...assets.
Interesting that I virtually had to imagine myself as someone else to see the positive in me but that's the nature of our dysfunction isn't it? It comes a lot more naturally now.
Anyway, might sound completely off the wall but that was what worked for me
Hi MissM, that's a great idea and just what I was looking for, thank you. I'm really trying not to see myself as others see me (looking outside of myself for approval), but just to see myself clearly. I don't hate myself at all, but I don't know myself. I've found a great worksheet online that has been really really helpful, and this idea of the perfect mate is a good one, too, and I'm gonna think on it and add it to my enormous journal/binder/book pile of recovery stuff. It helps me so much to write -- super healing and also clarifying my thoughts.
