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any Al-Anon suggestions on what to say to an alcoholic who is attempting recovery? My ABF Who is a binge drinker will go two weeks without drinking, has attended some AA meetings and then falls off the wagon and will drink again for a day. He gets up the next day stating that he has to start all over again that it's one day at a time, feels all guilty and apologetic to everyone for "messing up" as he calls it and then the cycle starts again. he has stated that it seems impossible to go an entire 30 days without one drink, but that he's trying and that's all he can do is try each day. He uses drinking to ease his anxiety levels. anyway I have put a lot of Al-Anon lessons into this relationship but I'm still not sure of the proper thing to say the next day. I am definitely not going to argue with him but I'm just trying to figure out or what Al-Anon suggests to say to them when they are attempting to be sober and have a day they mess up. I don't want to say oh it's OK tomorrow is a new day and I don't want to shame him either.
I have said It is a disease and it has been proven that" doing it alone" is almost impossible. That is why AA has been so successful . That is all and then leave the room
"Do your thing babe; I can't be involved. So I'm just going to live every day the way I need to live it regardless of what you are doing with drinking, recovering or anything else. Because my life can't revolve around your choices any more. I love you".
That's not advice, just what I said day in and day out for a long time and it seemed to be workable.
When I am uncertain what to say to someone in situations like this, I will simply say, "Thank you for apologizing." I am not in control, I am not even a part of the solution. I am just an imperfect person who can't help, push, coddle, condemn or cause recovery or relapse.
When I go beyond these 4 words, I am trying to control, manipulate or change another which for me is the first step of slipping out of my serenity. Another phrase my sponsor gave me, "I see you are hurting and I am sorry for your pain."
Both of these allow me to show empathy and give confirmation to the other person that I heard them and I care. I rarely speak about what I am doing, going to do, etc. as in these moments, it is not about me. It's about them and the disease.
The less words I put out there, the better detached I can be. I also know when mine have slipped and I do see sincere efforts, it is important for me to focus on what's going well vs. what's not. In my world, my 2nd born took several years to get 1 month. That for whatever reason was all he could put together. It then became 60 days. He's never yet in 5 years gotten past 60 days. There are many 24 hour chips around here, etc. So - this program has taught me to focus on the progress and let it all go. I can vividly remember when he could not get through a day, was homeless living at a men's shelter, filthy, despondent, etc. We've come a long way today from there and I am grateful he's still alive.
Where there is life, there is hope.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He just texted me "Good morning, Have a Great Day. Love You". Ahhhhhh!!!!! I want to scream BUT I know as everyone is saying, it is not my problem. He knows he slipped up but isn't going to admit it. So I am just going to say "Hope you have a good day also". That is keeping it neutral I hope.
I agree with IAH. My AH often plans to stop or cut back and fails. I try to keep the three Cs in mind. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Nothing I say or don't say, no perfectly crafted statement can help him cure it. The best thing I can do is stay out of his way regarding it. Sounds like you chose the message back that was best for you.
When my AH starts saying this sort of thing, I gently leave the room. Whatever I said, it would not end well. For me!!! A verbal attack would start whichever way I replied.
I didn't say anything when my AH was going through that phase, just got on with my life. If he brought it up I would simply say 'it's up to you, give got this.'
I said humble program stuff if I said anything at all. Since I can never know or understand how the alcoholic and addict including myself will take what I say or how I say it I might only offer, "Good...call your sponsor". I was never my alcoholic/addict spouse's sponsor...wouldn't even try. Keep it simple is best. ((((hugs))))
