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Post Info TOPIC: Confused


Veteran Member

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Posts: 57
Date:
Confused


My ExAH and I have not lived together in almost 4 years.  We have been officially divorced for 1.5 years.  I have been in Alanon for almost 5 years.   Early on in the split I met a man.  He seemed a perfect mate in so many ways. I felt that he met my needs, respected my boundaries and accepted my baggage.  As things progressed, he also expressed interested in getting to know and love my kids.  I was very grateful for him and all that the relationship brought to my life.  I learned how to accept love, to have fun again and to stand up for my needs. We often did things with no drinking involved and that was refreshing too.  

I was open with him about my ex and his alcoholism.  Turns out that his father died from the disease and his brother is very unhealthy in his alcoholism. I was grateful for this too.  He understood the hell that I was living.  It all seemed like my HP was at work and that this relationship was a gift.  I was very happy.  

Then one day the shoe dropped. We were supposed to watch a Friday night movie at my house - something we had done numerous times in the past 8 months.  He did not respond to my "are you coming" text when he was late.  I finally got him on the phone and he said he was on his way with a flimsy excuse.  He showed up at my house completely drunk!  I was furious.  Furious that he drove, that he lied and that he thought he would be staying for visit.  I promptly had him leave my house.  

The following day he entered AA and showed signs of having true sobriety over the next few months.  I had to think long and hard about what I wanted and came to the conclusion that we needed to split.  I worked so hard to separate from my exAH and I did not want to love an alcoholic again.  It was more than I could handle.  I ended the relationship albeit with much tears and emotion.  I then dove into my program to understand why I fell for another alcoholic, came to some bold learning and have tried to change my sick thinking.  

I have been on dates since but have not had anything serious over the past year.  I took the experience as a sign that I had to focus on my kids and focus on my program.  I stopped looking for love and am happy by myself.  I have worked on getting healthy and happy. I feel that I have a very strong connection with my HP and He often reveals Himself to me.  It has been a tremendous gift.  

About 3 months ago, I started thinking about this man again.  Really thinking about him.  I would get this strong pull in the center of my being, as if I was being drawn to him.  I would pray for my HP to take away those "sick" thoughts and keep me in a healthy place.  But then there would be a song on the radio or another sign of him.  I have been trying to get him off my mind but it keeps coming back.  Then our paths crossed  I had not seen him since the split and then there he was.  I was with my kids and some friends.  We casually chatted for a few minutes.  He told me that he is doing well and appeared happy.  I thought great, I know that he is in a better place and can move on.  

A few days later he reached out and asked to have lunch and catch up.  I prayed long and hard on it and felt my HP was telling me to go.   Maybe he or I needed some closure.  We had lunch on Friday.  I was nervous but prepared for the meeting.  It went well.  He says he is still in recovery and was talking a "good program".  But most of our conversation was just catching up on life.  We left lunch saying that we would maybe catch up another time but nothing firm.   

Then on Sunday, I was turning into the church parking lot and his car was ahead of me.  He used to go to church regularly when we were dating but I have not seen him there since.  This was unusual.  He sat in the back and I acted like I did not see him.  He was gone by the time I left church and we had no interaction.  I have continued to try and find meaning in all of this.  I am feeling that this is where I am supposed to go but my head and my program tells me to run for the hills.  But it just feels like I should give things another chance.  My HP has helped me greatly but I just can't figure this one out.  I am so conflicted and welcome any ESH from you all.  Sorry for the LONG post!  



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

Sounds as if your still small voice iwithin is suggesting that you connect with this person once again. You have the tools to do so, you can , stay detached, keep an open mind and not jump right back into the same relationship as before. Your alanon tools and HP have not adn will not fail. Today's reading in the C2C reaffirms the fact that HP will direct our ways and will not fail to guide us.  Our job is to listen and respond 
Good luck.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 214
Date:

Let me know what answers you discover in regards to why you find yourself getting involved with addicts because I have the same problem. I understand I made the choice to get involved with my husband and I knew he was a recovering A when we met and that was fine. But in regards to two other relationships one I had no idea he was an addict until after we were involved with each other and the other one was a recovering addict for over 30 years when we met. I really want to understand why my picker outer is broken and what draws me to these types of men.

I feel for you and can completely understand how you are feeling in regards to getting involved again or not...even if it's just to stay in contact for a lunch date every now and then.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Tossed Salad - you sound great - you are working a program and it shows. Processing things in life - events, interactions, etc. can for me be strange. I am one who over-analyzes everything. I often try to project - what do they want? why are they in front of me at this time? do I need to back away? do I need to reach out? I too have a broken picker and I also tend to still fear the worst for so many, many situations - especially qualifiers.

When I am perplexed by the actions of others, no matter who they are, I have to put them on a level playing field. I can't put anybody on a pedestal nor is it my job to knock them off. I remind myself they are imperfect just like me and may be doing their best. Once I process them as imperfect, I can get more neutral in my silly brain. Then, as I have learned, I turn the focus on me. I try really, really hard to not give free rent to others in my head. I am one who will just keep saying over and over, HP - show me the way - show me what's next - your will not mine...

I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers and the slogan, "More will be revealed" popped into my mind as I read through your post. I also considered, "When in doubt, Don't." Keep working your program - you're doing awesome!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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Just one of the strongest lessons I learned in program was about relationships and the overall attitude of God's will and Jerry's will.  The consequences in my life are most attached to Jerry's will so the program taught me to accept my consequences.  God's will for me is so much more simple and took greater study and concentration and then practice which is what my life is about now...practicing God's will and understanding when I am compelled too "be true only to myself".  There is so much proof that when I have sought my satisfaction of my own will that negative consequences appeared.  When I give in to my own compulsions I get in trouble again.  

I want to keep God in my mix and stay with what comes from it.   Progress not perfection.   (((Hugs)))  smile



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 57
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I hear you Jerry. That is where my great conflict lies. What I am "hearing" of God's will for me is to give this a try. But my head, some friends and my program tell me to run. God has been so good to me and I know He has my back. I have had many wonderful signs from Him and feel very connected but am I am really questioning His plan at the moment. I will continue to pray for guidance and just do the best that I can. :) Thanks all for the great posts!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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I have found that my "picker" is always going to be a little off-kilter because of my history.  I think it's the way some alcoholics still talk fondly of alcohol even though they've been in recovery for years.  It's like they have a nostalgia for it.  And sometimes that nostalgia leads them back into the bar.  Similarly, I find myself "magically attracted" to alcoholics even though it's now been 12 years since I was actively involved with one.  There's something about the profile that awakens some kind of dormant responsiveness in me, a sense (which I know absolutely is misguided) that it's "meant to be."  I think it's kind of familiarity and craving all in one.  The people I had a bad history with, I can imagine that away because all I have to do is remind myself sternly of all the things that went wrong.  But when I wasn't very involved with someone, I don't have that long list of pain and problems, just a shorter list that I find myself writing off.  And I hear myself saying the same thing that got me in trouble so many times - the same things alcoholics say to themselves when they go back in the bar.  "I can handle it this time, I'm so much healthier now."  "I know things have changed."  "I'm totally in control, there's no risk."  The thing is that if I were totally in control, I wouldn't be having those feelings.  Already I'm yearning for a connection - and that means I overlook red flags.

For me, I just have to make a rule: no alcoholics, no close associations with alcoholics in recovery.  I drew a line of 20 years in recovery - after that I thought I'd be pretty safe that they weren't going to drink again.  But then I started to get involved with someone who turned out to have 30+ years in recovery.  Come to find out that even though he's unquestionably sober and has done a ton of 12-step work, he's still got those old dry alcoholic characteristics.  "Nope nope nope, gotta stay clear!" I say to myself.  People who don't already have a history of codependence and craving with alcoholics could probably do fine with him.  But I fall right back into those old patterns quicker than you can say "Get me to Al-Anon!"  So I know that, like an alcoholic, I have to stay out of the vicinity of the addiction. 



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 57
Date:

Thank you Mattie! HP at work right here! Your posts is exactly what I needed to hear :)

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Veteran Member

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Date:

Just a quick update on this situation...On Monday he texted me asking to meet up for a bike ride and lunch on Sat. I waited to respond. I went to a meeting, saw my counselor and talked to some friends. I firmly decided that I could not reengage in a relationship with this man. However, I felt the need to tell him my position in person. We had lunch yesterday. It was nice to catch up with small talk but then he went right to discussing his feelings for me. How he never stopped loving me and would I consider giving "us" a try again. I was able to resist and be firm in my position. I told him that I have worked my program too hard to get back involved with him. I will always hold a special place in my heart for him, as he helped me grow in so many ways. But I clearly see that in order to grow, I need to put this behind me. It isn't easy but I did it! I am feeling very grateful (again) for this program and all of you. I think this is a HUGE step for me and I am feeling very empowered. My HP has got this :) Thank you all xoxox

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
Date:

As the saying goes, Recovery looks great on you. smile  I sure wish I had been healthy and determined enough to do what you did at some crucial points in my life.  For one thing, it allows you to stay on good terms with the person - whereas I can vouch for the fact that years of disappointment, tears, hurt, and turmoil do not usually end with being on good terms with the person.  And you've left yourself a space in your life for a relationship with someone without the baggage and unhealthy history.  Go you!  I hope you're doing something really wonderful for yourself this weekend.  Or I should say, another wonderful thing for yourself this weekend.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 140
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Oh, Tossed Salad! Good for you! I admire your strength and the way you demonstrated your growth in al-anon principles. This is one I'm going to re-read in the future. Good for you!!!!



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
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(((Tossed Salad))) - lovely share and follow up - thanks for circling back and giving us an update....I love how you are feeling very empowered - it made my morning to see your post. Self-care and self-love for us can be so, so hard to know, see and do - I see it in your choice. Good on you and may you continue to feel empowered and free to do what makes sense for you in your life, recovery and program!!!

As I love to say - YAY for you!!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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