The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know better than to get worked up about the falsehoods my AH has created about his consumption. No, he didn't drink last week (or the week before) but in reality he was drunk every night last week when I got home. No, he didn't drink a bottle of whiskey and leave the empty bottle in the cupboard but in reality there is an empty whiskey bottle in my cupboard. And when I cross over to his side of the street, he does his darndest to make sure I am left wondering if I am crazy. No, I live in reality on my side of the street.
I think I have come so far in my year and a half in the program and then I realize I have made some progress, but I have a LONG way to go to serenity. I have to stay on my side of the street and let my HP have the wheel. I have to let go of MY delusional thinking that this can ever be a normal relationship again. And I have to be honest with myself and admit that I am tired of living a false reality.
I am not sure I can do this forever...
Thanks for listening to my rant.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Sister all any of us have to do it is one day at a time. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is a mystery so I can live in today as manageable. I like this post. Thank you. (((((hugs)))))
(((Bethany))) - I too offer you today only. I totally understand where you are at - my AH told me he wasn't drinking any more. I honestly did not believe him but we and he were doing much, much better. I went out for my daily walk one day last week and found an ash can (from our grill) with empty beer cans....
What surprised me is that I did nothing, said nothing and honestly felt nothing. I know deep down that he has a disease and most likely he is going to drink. I still stay present in today and detach as best I can. It makes me sad as he is going to drink until he dies and I knew him sober in recovery. He was an absolute blessing to be with and be around and the kindest person I know. He's withdrawn, sad - perhaps depressed and disinterested in life when he's in the disease and it just makes me sad.
I no longer want the man I met/married back. I just want him to find peace and not suffer. So - my shortened serenity prayer is said often for him - Bless Him, Change Me. You've come a long, long way. Never sell your recovery short. Consider what it used to be like, what it's like now and see what's working for you. This always brings me back to knowing that no matter what happens next, I will be OK because I've aligned myself with HP & recovery.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I truly empathize with you and I'm also grateful I found this group and that I am not alone and that even across the globe there are those who share similar situations as mine. No one will truly understand, not even my family or friend, because they haven't been where I am.
After some events & serious talks with my husband the past days, things have changed a bit lately, at least there's no more hostility between us. We both have given each other room to be what we want to be, we both have given each other the freedom to decide and choose for our own well-being. Come to think of it, we both wanted to control each other towards the opposite direction, he convincing me that there's nothing wrong with his drinking and I convincing him that his drinking is causing negative effects on me and our relationship. For now, we respect each other's feeling and would respect each other's decision when it comes to the drinking issue. I stand by my own and he stands for his own. He has not had a drink since he had an accident, probably 2 weeks ago(?), I'm not counting anymore. I have accepted that the possibility of his drinking again is not remote but that is really his issue not mine. My issue is what I will do if he does? I told him that I am no longer asking him to stop drinking for my sake or for all the pleadings and begging I did before, that is his choice and decision.. Likewise, I asked him not to convince me anymore to accept his drinking, that is my choice and decision. For now, I think I have come to accept the reality that is "alcoholism", I feel confident that my knowledge about it can help me come up with better decision for myself, for my well-being, regardless of what others would think, say or opine, especially from those who have never been where I am.
I can only make an inventory of myself, the changes in me. I still struggle with some of the areas that needs changing in myself. If my husband is changing or attempting to make changes is his business, I let go and let God. I continue to pray for him and entrust him to God. I try hard not to worry about my husband's whereabouts, what he's doing or planning to do. I'll cross it when I get there. Knowing the nature of "alcoholism" I have at least prepared myself to be financially secure and independent. I am also preparing myself to be emotionally secure and independent. At first it was somehow anxiety motivated, preparing for the worse that is yet to come or may not come. But eventually I find that it has helped me be confident of myself, my disposition, decision, etc. For now, I know what I can take, that is my boundary, it's not an ultimatum, it's what I want for myself, what I believe and think I can accept to peacefully & joyfully live by, I think that is serenity. And in everything, I always count God in, this is not just about me, not just about my husband, it is about God. How He wants us to be, which is truly perfect, loving, caring and all the beautiful things we can think of. After all, our journey, whatever path we are taking, God is calling us to come back home to Him.
