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I am feeling very conflicted. I hate my AH when he is drinking but I love him when he is not. He went 4 days without drinking and I was starting to think that it might stick this time. I am leaving for a work trip for a week. I am looking forward to it because it will give me a break but I also fear it too. I will be worried that something major will happen while I am gone. I know I am powerless over his drinking and him but I haven't been able to let go yet.
Hey Ann - I understand exactly what you are saying and feeling.....in my world, it is the good times that remind me of the value of my qualifier. He/they are not bad people doing bad things; they are sick people doing damaging things.
I struggled with what you asked when I got to Al-Anon. I had very black/white thinking back then. I can say I was able to step forward by loving the person and hating the disease. That was my mantra often - I love xxxxx, but I hate their disease. It helped me see the reality of my situation. There is no shame in loving an alcoholic!
(((Hugs))) - letting go is difficult too. You can do this and I hope your trip goes great!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Ann welcome without the help of the alanon recovery program and the new tools that I was given, I did hate and love someone at the same time.
I urge you to take care of yourself and serach out these face to face meetings You will be glad that you did.
Positive thoughts for a successful business trip.
Absolutely...and yes, if u see it as you love the person and hate the disease, it feels better when you do hate. It's a powerful demon, alcohol..it wants you to hate him, so it can continue to control him and have power over him. Best of luck to u!
Absolutely. I literally fill with rage at the person he is when he is drunk. He is so mean and hurtful and violent. When he's sober he is the opposite. But when he's drunk he takes every little thing you've ever confided in him or takes a weakness of yours and pounds it into you to make you feel like shit. I absolutely hate him when he is drunk. What makes it hard is knowing there's another person under there.
In the past I would hate my husband for his drinking - he wasn't mean or abusive but I hated the chaos and hated feeling embarassed and feeling as if I should control his drinking or somehow dampen its negarive effects on our lives. It wore me out and I varried a lot of resentment.
Even now that my husband has stopped drinking, I am still processing my negative feelings from the past. I put up with a lot of crappy stuff and also blamed him or blamed his drinking for everything bad in my life. It is a lot to unravel. It has been less than a year since I came to alanon but it has helped tremendously and I don't have those same hateful feelings towards my husband anymore. I realized I hated his disease, but mostly I hated my disease and that was and is entirely in my control. When I started taking steps to get better, my life changed.
Hi Ann--I feel the same way you do. Sometimes I question if I still love him when my AH is bingeing but I know I do, I just hate him at the same time. I hate the lies and I hate what alcohol does to our lives. But, I know it is the alcoholism I hate, not my husband. I have to remind myself of this during binges and I have to come to this site to read and learn and remind myself of what alanon is all about.
It is difficult to love someone who is just so dang obnoxious when they drink. But last week he was sober all week and I remembered all that I love about him. We had pleasant conversation and we enjoyed each others company. Friday night came and I lost him again. It is a horrible disease and it robs me of the one I love.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I, too, felt that hate and love. Bethany, thank you for your clarity ... it was really fear and grief about the loss of what I had loved about this person ... some of the lovable traits were still there, but the disease took over. And I, too, am still processing that. The one thing I am thankful for is that that awful feeling brought me to this wonderful program and the many lovely people I have met as a result. As I like to say, "It's all his fault!"
Yes I believe so. The extremes of each can be very detracting I found. Detaching from the disease with an alanon program is the only cure I have encountered and its ongoing. At the end of the day, alcoholic or not, we are all but human. Keep coming back and take care.
There is a person at my home group meeting who shared that when they look at their qualifier they see "Wounded Child of God" written across their forehead. They said that this description allows them to love the person but keep their boundaries and detach with love. I have recently adapted this practice and find it to be quite helpful in situations like this. This simple change helps me keep anger and resentment at bay and I turn my qualifier and his disease over to my higher power.
Welcome Ann M I,thanks for your sharing,I so relate to this also in times past relationships and marriages to a/ husband,I really like the idea of ,sick child of God stamped on their foreheads,thank you tossed salad for sharing that...........hugs lu
So AH has been on a bender since I am gone. He has called me crying and totally drunk. I mean he is crying hysterically. I keep reassuring him that I love him. I am not quite sure what to do because I am away for work and can not leave.
Hi Ann, Have you thought about Alanon meetings and working your own recovery program? This type of behaviour he is showing you is kind of typical, the whole self pity and chronic me me me behaviour. We cant really change the disease but how we respond is the important bit and that we can control. If you buy into this its like giving a small child a reward for having a tantrum. The best bet would be to ignore this or state clearly you wont speak to him until hes sober and calm and then get on with enjoying your own time. Sounds heartless but in my experience the more you engage with this the more it will continue and it can be a manipulative tactic.
Ann his "crying jag" is not uncommon -he will probably not remember it when he is sober.
Use your tools, detach, do not answer telephone and take care of your life.
Thanks for your thoughts hotrod.
Cee, I have done an online meeting for Alanon. I have not made it to a face2 face yet. This board has really help me since I joined.
(((Ann))) - so very sorry about the chaos brought about by the disease. Stick as close to the program as you can and live one day at a time! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This post reminds me of how al-anon taught me to stop comparing and start identifying. When I identify, I develop more compassion for all the suffering theirs and mine.
An alcoholic is suffering. An alcoholic is powerless over his disease. An alcoholic needs to rely on a Power Greater than himself to recover.
The same is true for Al-anons.
Al-anons have a thinking problem. the thinking that if the A changes, we will finally be happy. How I suffer from my needing and wanting and wishing that Reality be different than it is. How I suffer when I try to fight a battle I cannot win.
I am powerless over his drinking and the ONLY place I have some power is acknowledging and accepting my feelings about it and taking good, responsible care of myself.
But its so hard to surrender to the power of alcohol and I held a very firm grip on my belief that this should NOT look like this!!! I could not let it go.
LET GO OR BE DRAGGED, they told me. Believe me, I was dragged.
So I can go down the road of loving/hating myself. I am the one responsible for my own well-being, no one else. When I suffer today, it is solely because of a choice that I, myself, have made. I can choose differently, but I can be very naughty in my resistance, wanting what I want.
Suffering. Suffering.
The crying is his remorse, which is common. It is so sad that they forget it happened, as someone mentioned. They forget the pain and humiliation and drink again. It takes touching the hot stove over and over, again and again and to be so bloody and to hate your life so much before any of us are willing to do anything differently.
So may I suggest that instead of trying to fill his big empty void by professing your love for him, just sympathize with him. Tell him, "I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry...."
.... that he keeps choosing this.... and that you are both so powerless. We sympathize because we can relate to it, we suffer at our own hands too. All of us have our own brand of "crazy."
And God throws buckets of rose petals on us and says, "it's okay sweetheart, it's okay...."
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 5th of October 2016 10:14:18 AM
"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" and "Love is the name of God" The lessons I learned in Al-Anon far exceed all of the lessons I got from organized religion...who would have thought?
Sorry my fingers are messin with me this morning...What fell out was You can hate the disease and love the alcoholic; love as God loves...them and us at the same time. When the alcoholic is present the real person is not so what do it do? Accept unconditionally same as I would wish others would do with me.
