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My boyfriend's alcoholism is gradually getting worse. Whenever I think about leaving I feel huge guilt. If he had a different illness such as cancer I doubt I'd leave him. However I don't believe he will stop drinking and it will probably kill him. So, I feel it would be much healthier for me to leave. Our future together looks bleak.
However he was supportive and kind when I had minor health problems and when i was waiting for test results insisted he would stay with me, if I got bad news. This leaves me feeling guilty for wanting to leave him.
Additionally if we did split we would both lose our home as neither of us could afford the rent on our own. This is quite frightening. I have asked for extra hours in my part time job but none are available. Not sure I could cope with full time work right now anyway. I dont believe he could handle a full time job anyway as he has been so ill this year. I really feel trapped in this unhappy situation. I cannot see any way to leave.
Well, a caged bird will sing anyway is the way I looked at my decision to stay. I'm "trapped" by the same financial realities many of us would be. If I left in an emotional huff it would be the same old merry go round and I'd be broke and angry again. Alanon has taught me that serenity is mine no matter where I'm "trapped" because I choose my response now. It's like coming at life from a better perspective and knowing that I can change some things ie how I respond to being "trapped" and letting God have the big stuff like who I think is "trapping" me. Glad your here Emma 123.
Thanks for replying geems. Your message is helpful. I don't want to leave in an emotional huff either. My mother stayed with my alcoholic father and the situation had a huge impact on her health and happiness. She always said she couldn't afford to leave. I guess I'm afraid I'm going down the same path she took. Still, at least I have Al Anon and so far I'm finding the meetings helpful. I've had moments of serenity over the past few weeks.
-- Edited by Emma123 on Friday 23rd of September 2016 01:13:30 PM
Emma - so sorry that you feel stuck where you are....I remember clearly feeling/thinking the same and often the fear was overwhelming. For my situation, when I was able to just stay present, in the current day, the anxiety and fear subsided quite a bit. My disease tells me that how it is (when it's bad) is how it will always be. Of course, that seem disease tells me (when it's good) I don't deserve to be happy. My distorted thinking as a result of the disease tends to look at the worst and project the worst.
I learned this in Al-Anon. I also learned that more will be revealed when it is supposed to be. I started doing as suggested - lots of meetings, working the steps, practicing the principles...I also was told to make a Plan B so that I had a safe place to go - whatever that might be - friend's home, relative's home, hotel. I got keys from a couple of different people and knew if I could not stand it, I could take a break for a night, a week, a _____________ and that gave me peace. I also began a small cash stash to feel independent in small ways with $$.
I also learned to trust the process and HP which helped me come back to today when I began to fear the future or project into it. A great sponsor helped with establish boundaries that helped me feel serene in my home again, which was a place I dreaded waking up in and returning to each time I left. My story and countless other stories suggest to me that staying or leaving is always a choice. We also have many other choices. I am no longer a hostage in my own mind and home; I have been set free.
There is help and hope for each of us in recovery. No matter what circumstances exist or how dire they appear, there is still help and hope for serenity and joy. In my experience, my negative emotions and perceptions were magnified by how the disease affected me and my thinking. Today, I look for the miracles and for what's working well in my life where before I seemed drawn to what was broken around me.
HTH - Keep coming back - immerse yourself in recovery and you'll be amazed before you know it. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere, your reply is inspiring. I will continue working the steps and going to meetings. Perhaps through time I will know what I have to do. I do believe my thinking has been distorted. Also the Plan B you mentioned is a very good idea.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know it must be painful.
The way I see it, the difference between leaving when someone has health problems and leaving when someone is an alcoholic is this. When someone has health problems, they don't have a choice about their situation. But an alcoholic has a disease they are refusing to treat. If you were with someone with epilepsy, it wouldn't be their fault if they had epilepsy. But what if they refused to take their medicine, denied anything was wrong, said, "I can't control it by the power of my mind, and anyway I don't have epilepsy"? What if they drove their car all the time despite having uncontrolled epilepsy (which makes driving illegal), and had seizures while driving and endangered others, and still claimed "I don't have any problem"? What if they left you to clean up their messes and deal with the problems of them having seizures while driving or in other dangerous situations, and still claimed "I don't have any problem"? That is what being with an alcoholic is like. It's not the initial problem, it's their refusal to respond to it appropriately. It causes risk, chaos, worry, and turmoil, and all of those things are preventable - but they are refusing to prevent them. They may always refuse to go into recovery, but the chances they will stay as they are are magnified when we stick around as if it's all really okay by us.
Your financial situation is unfortunate. It's true that we're always at risk when we are not fully self-supporting - even apart from alcoholism, our partner couldbe hit by a bus any day, or get a terrible disease and die, or even just take off for the hills. So it is always good to have the capacity to support ourselves. If you don't have that right now, you can work towards it. If you stay, it should be because you find the relationship rewarding, not because you are unhappy but stuck.
Do you go to meetings? They are an important means of support. I hope you'll find a good one that feels right to you.
Hi Mattie, thank you so much for responding. I feel clearer now about the difference between alcoholism and other diseases. Yes, my Ah is in total denial about his alcoholism and has ignored warnings from doctors that drinking is killing him. He refuses all treatment. So, it is quite different from other diseases as you said.
I definitely do need to improve my financial situation. I guess I could try to find a second part-time job. Maybe it would even be healthier to spend less time with my Ah. I do attend local meetings when I can.
-- Edited by Emma123 on Saturday 24th of September 2016 07:13:23 AM
I like my part-time job pinkchip. Its the only job I ever had that I actually like. I feel happy there and I enjoy it. So I don't really want to give it up.
Emma - while alcoholism is a disease, and classified as such, it more aligns with mental health diseases than bodily ones. So - while someone diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. doesn't ask for the disease, many do not heed all warnings nor accept full treatment recommendations. A cancer patient has the choice to get radiation/chemo/surgery or they can chose not to. Diabetics often do not or can not change their eating habits, and have more complications. Same with heart disease and more.
Mental health diseases are more of the mind than the body. Alcoholism and addiction is more closing aligned here. For one with MH issues, therapy and medications can help. However, we see and hear all the time stories of one who stops taking their medication that brought them balance because they were feeling better and thought they no longer needed it or because the medication made them feel like a shell of a person with no personality.
It's much more complicated than a choice to drink or not drink. Addiction is a compulsion of the mind and is a constant pull on the user. If you have any bad habit - biting fingernails, picking skin, smoking cigarettes, sugar, carbs, etc. -- it's more like that. An addictive brain keeps telling the body that one won't hurt. It's legal. This time will be different. It is larger than choice and clearly far from black/white.
If it were easy, do you think alcoholics/addicts would drink away their life, their family, their job, their income, their being? I encourage you to listen to stories of recovering alcoholics on tapes to truly understand the obsession of the drink and the challenge of trying to put it down. Accepting that they are as powerless over their substance as you are over their choices helped me find my sanity and serenity. As long as I held onto any concepts that they were intentionally choosing a substance over me, I was held hostage by the disease and the diseased.
In any situation, having guilt over staying/leaving happens. As my self-esteem returned and my blame subsided, my mind became much more clear for decision making. Keep coming back - take care of you one day at a time and all of this will make more sense...(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
