Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: Feeling so alone


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
Feeling so alone


Hello all. Not sure if this is where I am supposed to post all this but here goes... I am new to this site and Al Anon in general. I am very familiar with AA and Al Anon for various reasons which I won't go into now. I guess I just really need to get this all out, because I am so alone right now. My husband (just married in August) and I have been together for 8 years. I know him very well, as well as how he is on binges and how his emotional states can be. Right now he lives in a different state, and is planning to move home Sunday. He is drunk off his a** right now and calling repeatedly. I don't want to talk, I am so upset right now. But I am terrified he will do something stupid if I don't... I am 24 weeks pregnant, the primary bread winner, have a stressful job (teacher), and really need to control my stress for the benefit of my baby. I have no one to talk to, as I just moved to a new city, and cannot talk to my parents about him. With the baby on the way, I NEED him to get his life together. He just got off probation on Tuesday, and is now black out drunk living with 5 other random people. Knowing how he gets, I am TERRIFIED he will do something stupid, such as fight, and go to jail. I can't talk reason into him right now obviously (as he is blacked out), and when I talk to him sober he knows (and does sincerely care) about the consequences. But as always he fell off the wagon 3-4 weeks ago and has spiraled wildly out of control. I can't handle the stress of knowing he is risking his freedom at such a critical time. And I don't want him moving home until he's sober. Selfish? Maybe, but I have more than myself to think of now, and I honestly feel I deserve having the security of knowing what I will come home to. He is not physically abusive by any means, nor horribly emotionally abusive. But he is insane. Like the homeless man on the street raging to himself and making empty threats to air insane. I can't handle it. But I am not going to get out of this relationship, as I don't want to. I just want him back. The sober him that I know and love and can trust. I don't know where this post is going. Just ramblings of someone who really needs to feel understood I suppose...

 

Long story short, he is drunk again, blacked out, calling. I can't handle it, and feel bad about that. I am so mad, disappointed, disgusted, sad, and anxious because of it. I have no one to talk to about how he truly is....



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

((Aviva)) you are powerless over this dreadful disease and I am so sorry that you are so stressed while you are carrying a precious child, Alanon is a recovery program for family members who live with the disease of alcoholism.
Please rest tonight and tomorrow look in the white pages for the alanon hot line number. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and there is help and hope.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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Aviva - welcome to MIP. So very sorry for the pain and feelings you are experiencing because of Alcoholism. As Betty suggests, it is a dreadful disease that gets progressively worse. It's also not curable but can be treated with recovery and abstinence. As you are aware, AA is for the alcoholic when they want help and have hit bottom, and Al-Anon is for those affected by another's drinking.

There is help and hope in Al-Anon, which is where I found myself, my sanity and my peace/joy after trying countless other methods for a long while. I did learn early on in program the three Cs - 1. I did not cause this. 2. I can't cure this. 3. I can't control this.

Please find local meetings and go for you.....you are not alone - keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 357
Date:

Sorry aviva, it's so hard to grieve the loss of who you thought your partner was and at such a vulnerable time for you too. It's very hard to give up the wish for the person we love to be what we need them to but unfortunately wanting it can't make it happen. Sadly he's obviously not able to give you the love and support you need any time soon; talking to others in al-anon could help you find the inner strength you need to get through this; I know it has for me.




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SDB


Veteran Member

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Posts: 35
Date:

Aviva, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I can very much relate to your story. My husband and I were together for 14 years and got married 2 years ago. Two months after we were married he went into DTs and was rushed to the emergency room and was in the ICU for 3 weeks. The past nearly two years have been him drinking on and off, with multiple emergency hospitalizations for withdrawal. He's been unable to hold down a job and I've been the breadwinner for the last 2 years. I'm also 12 weeks pregnant.

I also just want the sober husband back. He's a shell of himself when he's drunk and it's like living alone when he's drinking because he's just passed out.

I've found some serenity in face to face meetings. Try to find one in your area if you can. I'm also going to get a copy of Courage to Change to start reading daily. Do what you can to keep yourself grounded and calm. Sending you good thought's and hugs.

-Shannon

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1152
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. I am so mad, disappointed, disgusted, sad, and anxious because of it. I have no one to talk to about how he truly is....
------------------------------
So sorry!!!!
Learn all you can about alcoholism. Your expectations for him are so high. You know how he can be. You also can see how he is right now. Unfortunately, he makes the decisions for his life. You can't make them for him. You have to learn how to live with the disappointment and anger. You have to get rid of the anxiety and the only way to get rid of it is to learn all you can and lower your expectations.

Get to AlAnon and listen and absorb the program.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  I was pregnant when I found out my husband had relapsed too.  (A permanent relapse, as it turned out.)  With alcoholics in the picture, it's very wise to have a Plan B and C.  It is good that you are the breadwinner because that means that your income and support are not dependent on whether he chooses to hand over some money or save some instead of drinking it all away.  Even women with sober, helpful husbands need many sources of support when they have infants - childcare, other new parents, etc.  I joined a group for expectant parents and made some friends that way, and then after the baby was born joined a 'Birth to Three' group where I met parents who became great resources - we would trade childcare all the time.  That plus paid help can really lighten the load of any parent.  I also enjoyed Anne Lamotte's book Operating Instructions, about being the single mother of an infant - she has such good humor that it helped me feel less worried and unusual. 

When our A (alcoholic) is unreliable and chaotic, it drags all the attention over to him.  If there's any time in her life when a woman deserves to have all the good attention on her, it's during pregnancy!  I hope you can go ahead and put your own loving attention back on yourself, because you so deserve it.  I know it's very anxiety-producing when you can't know exactly how things are going to unfold.  But the more kinds of support we have, the better we're able to stay on top of whatever comes our way.  Reaching out to Al-Anon is another of those valuable sources of support.  Please take good care of yourself.



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