The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This will be the first time he is going, but he has spun out of control last week or so. And while I'm so proud of him for choosing this, I am scared too..I have all these selfish thoughts, what if he decides he doesn't want to be with me when he gets out, whatif he doesn't miss me in there, how do I make this as successful as I can for him, what do I do when he gets out, what can I expect...I have no idea about any of it..I'm just a wreck.,,any help is greatly needed!
Take care of you, take time for you, seek recovery for you and let him go through the process. Stay in today, each day and focus on you. Deal with what happens if/when it happens. Sending you positive thoughts - have you found local Al-Anon meetings yet? That would be the best support you can ever give him and you - local resources to help you deal with how his disease affects you.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was there when my bf went to rehab as well. It is stressful, take care of yourself! I'm sure he will miss you greatly. See if the program allows phone calls and letters. I used to call every couple days, and wrote whenever I was compelled to. It was hard, but definitely worth it in the long run. Be happy for him! That is a big step to take, and for some with the proper outside support, it can be life changing. Be supportive by taking care of yourself and doing what you can to maintain the relationship. And know that what is meant to be is meant to be!
Attending meetings, working with a sponsor , will help you to reinforce your recovery while he is engaged in doing the same . Keep coming back here as well
Thank you for your response, how did it turn out for you guys? I have started to believe what he's been saying to me last couple months, he wants to do this alone, he doesn't believe in us anymore, I should leave, etc...plus the nasty mean stuff he hurls when he's drunk..but I have read a lot about other relationships at this point, and its eerily similar..who knows. He has chosen me to blame, I just don't know why. He will sit down at his bar and be mr fun and happy drunk, mr flirt who remembers how to speak to and charm woman, everyone's best friend...then he comes home and I get so much disdain. Tonight, he was at his bar, and I said pls come home by 7 when I get home..he said ok..kept texting me, I'm on my way, leaving soon, finally by 8:30 I said forget it. Our last night before he leaves tomorrow, and he couldn't even be here. When he finally was, he glared at me, like I was nothing, dropped his crap on the floor, and passed out. I do know that's the alcoholism.,but maybe he really doesn't care abut me anymore..I sound pathetic. I just wonder, how is it he has the control to treat everyone else nicely, be funny, etc, but I get zero plus his apparent disgust and unexplainable resentment. anyone have any ideas on that, please share. Anyway, I am hopeful..we will see.
I encourage you to take care of yourself. Look at what you can do to build a good life for yourself. I found the Al-anon anon program a wonderful help. The program and fellowship are life changers.
He doesnt treat them all nicely. He just gets wasted with them. Hit up alanon....get clarity and try not to obsess over him. He has a ton of his own issues...
My qualifiers resent me more than anyone else because I was the interruption in their disease/choices. I was the one who expected better, feared for their safety, wanted normal and basically, in their diseased state - interrupted their buzz.....The disease has been active in my immediate family for about 10 years. We've gone through 10+ treatment centers, and I am still hopeful for recovery. Rarely does one visit to rehab get one sober for a lifetime. He is blaming you because his disease tells him you are affecting his relationship with his substance.
Al-Anon gave me all the tools I need to have a full, happy, serene life whether they are active in the disease or not. We've had ups/downs but what I know now is I can keep my power or I can give it away to others - I have choices and can do what works best for me.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is try and get to some face to face meetings. I am sorry to hear his disease spun out of control but happy to hear he is willing to try rehab. Best wishes.
Just read your additional post about last night. My AH was the same, life of the party, so funny, did everything for everyone and was totally different when he was home. It wasn't always like that but when his disease really kicked into high gear it was. He was grumpy, confrontational and one of the last steps/straw for me was when he got so wasted during a brunch and after friends left he punched a hole in our closet door and said some really mean things to me in front of the kids, then proceeded to pass out. That is when I knew it was his disease talking and I went to my friends house with the kids. I feel your pain and your fear as I have been there. It was a wake up call for me though. I could no longer be in denial that he didn't have a drinking problem, it helped me seek out a confidant in one of our friends (actually his best friend from high school) and it just broke my isolation. Things didn't get immediately better but it was also a wake up call for my husband who called me that night when he woke up from being passed out and found the house empty and the door broken. This is a man who is so sweet, funny and honestly does a ton for everyone around him. He was horrified that he acted that way, especially when my oldest (5 years old at the time) told him you made mommy cry.
My AH didn't go to rehab but did detox on his own which eventually lead him to 2 days in the hospital due to extreme withdrawal symptoms. He is still sober 1.5 years later. I do fear relapse but that is out of my control. It is a good sign that he is willing to do rehab. I am sending you many many prayers. Just wanted to weigh in and share my store.
I can say it is a waste of your valuable time to try and figure out him and his recovery. Time better spent on what are you going to do to move forward and figure out what are your next choices. Alanon will help you be healthy, and learn a better way of life. Take care of yourself. His recovery is his own. Your recovery is yours, make the best of it you are worth it. linsc
Thanks all so much..I took him to the airport today, he was so scared, which I think is good..means he is taking it seriously. We will have very little contact, which is also good. I just wonder if they will fill me in towards the end on what to expect, what he's learned, how to be with him..I'm hoping they might ask me to come there to bring me into his recovery a little bit. Just basic knowledge etc. he's at a top notch place, costs a fortune tho. When I heard how much, I said "so for that, obviously u get a new liver??" ...crazy, but I'm praying for him. And to iamhere...what you said about his behavior towards me, really hit home, I never got it, I do now, so thanks so much for that insight!
(((Desperate))) - most treatment programs offer counseling/sessions with So/others. In my experience, they allow the client (the rehabber) to decide if this is a go/no go. Some do it sooner and some do it towards the end.
If you can, use this time to engage with Al-Anon. It will do you a world of good to find resources that are local to you and fully understand living with and loving an alcoholic.
Positive thoughts and prayers for you and him too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Go to alanon to learn to be happy while having qualifiers in your life. No need to wait on the treatment center. Take time to focus on you and not bending yourself around him, his treatment, if he succeeds or not. The treatment center's ultimate goal is him and his sobriety...not your relationship. YOUtake care of you. I don't think the question is how to live with him at all. It is how to live with yourself and how him and his disease affects you.
