The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I am not sure who is in greater denial, me or my AH. I keep hoping against hope that things will get better. He hates AA and went to one Sober Recovery meeting. He has admitted he doesn't want to stop. Tonight I wanted to go to a f2f meeting but can't because he's been drinking and I have no one to watch the kids. Obviously, I am in the deeper denial and I feel like I got slapped in the face with cold hard reality. One of our children has special needs and I have to focus my energy on who I can actually help, on who really will benefit from my help and support. I feel guilty because I can not get my husband to stop drinking. I feel like I keep going in circles to back to step 1. It is so hard for me to detach because I still feel so much like we are a we and there is no separate me. Please, any ESH or recommended reading would be appreciated.
Of course an alcoholic that doesn't want to stop hates AA. If he ever feels desperate and wants to get sober more than anything, bet you he will "unhate" it then.
In the meanwhile, maybe read codependent no more? Keep posting and reading here more...detach.
Hi Hopefully Optimistic I understand and can identify. Alanon meetings, the literature and calls to other members helped me to learn how to accept the reality of life on life's terms.
My denial was huge, as I thought that I was all powerful and if I could understand a situation, I could fix it and make it come out to my benefit. NOT So !!
Finally accepting that there was a Higher Power (and I was not it) and that there were situations in life that i had to accept and learn how to deal with was a huge step for me.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which I was powerless I finally accepted that I had to learn new tools to live by in order for me to survive.
Alanon offers these tools and made no demands that i leave my marriage or my realationship That helped greatly. Keep coming back You are not alone.
Thank you so much for your replies. I really wanted to get to a f2f meeting tonight but I am so thankful for this message board. I post rarely but read almost daily. I do have a copy of Codependent No More that I will pull out tonight.
Don't feel bad about your denial. It took me months to finally come to terms that my husband was an A and I am still working on step one after 1.5 years in the program. Just wanted to say that you are not alone and sending you prayers.
Hi Hopefully Optimistic
I can really relate to your post. I was in denial for a very long time that there was any problem in our home. It took me a very long time to get out of it. I felt like I would come to awareness at times and then slip right back into it. Eventually though I became very aware. The best thing you can do for your children and your AH is take care of yourself and focus on your needs. I hope and pray all the time that my AH will find sobriety but I can't hold my breath about it anymore or I will suffocate. The Al Anon program has helped me take so much worry and obsession off the Alcoholic in my life and helped me put it towards things that I can change (my relationship with my mother, my daughter, my needs being met etc). It is a constant practice something I have to practice frequently. But my life is much saner and more manageable and my AH is still drinking. What I have noticed in my situation is that the less I confront my AH about his drinking or try to manage it or suggest things etc the more awareness he seems to have about it. There is hope for you and your family.
I hope that you get a chance to get to a meeting when it works for you. For now stay close to the board and take care.
(((Hopefully Optimistic))) - I truly believe that denial runs very deep in this disease - both sides. Not only did I struggle to accept the disease, but I struggled to accept or denied that I played a part in the insanity, that the disease had affected me/my thinking and also that I was powerless over it - as I was a huge fix-it kind of gal.
I was so focused on what had happened in our home/lives/family or obsessing over what might happen in our home/lives/family - total denial and struggled to live in the present moment. I truly was in denial that this moment, on this day, in this place, I was OK. So - for me, as I began to work this program and practice the concepts in my life, I was able to see that my denial ran deeper than I ever considered.
So - I believe in my life, denial was part of my defense mechanisms. I didn't intentionally decide to live in a dream world were the disease was the issue and I was perfect - it just happens, gradually over time. It doesn't help when we ask our qualifiers for answers and are fed non-truths. It was way easier to blame others for my circumstances and the disease than it was to realize I not only contributed to the chaos, at times, I started the episodes. Today, I believe if I work this program to the best of my ability, more will be revealed - and not for me to play the blame game but rather for me to learn from and grow from.
I agree with above me - no need to consider denial as a bad thing and beat yourself up. As we feel things, realize feelings, identify patterns/habits, we can then see if they are constructive or destructive. Based on that processing, we can decide if we keep them as a tool in our lives or we let me go. The continuous practice of asset and gratitude lists helps me clearly see that many of those things I considered defects of character are actually assets - I just exploited them for selfish reasons (not even knowing it at the time).
Denial to me is very, very common. As with most things in the program, what we do with it or about it is what matters most!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all. Today is a little better for me. I spent a lot of last night journaling about what is real in my life vs what I wish it was. Forcing myself to see the truth was painful but helped. At least now I know where I stand and what choices, if any, I want to make. For the moment I am in a holding pattern just trying to process how severe my AH drinking has gotten and looking at the choices I have. I have to make choices and decisions that will impact 3 children and I want to be as careful and thoughtful about them as I can. I know it is cliche but I really never thought I'd be in this situation and all of the normal reactions to want to help a sick person do not work with alcoholism. It has to be the thing I hate most in this world.
Thank you to all of you for your support, I can't express how much it means to share with people who truly understand.
Glad you found a bit of peace through your efforts - wrting, posting, listening, etc. Keep coming back HO - there is help and hope in recovery/program!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Denial is possibly one of the most complex and hardest human emotions there is. Ultimately if we face up to the reality of our partners alcoholism, and the lives we lead as a result of it, even the traits in ourselves which lead to our enablement of the alcoholism, it is often incredibly painful and just too much to bear. Dealing with the disease is so hard that sitting down and really forcing ourselves to see the truth, overcoming the denial, isn't something I think we are able to do until we are ready. It can already feel like you are just about coping, to face up to the reality could make us feel completely overwhelmed.
I can completely relate, and I myself am only beginning to be able to come to terms with my own enablement, the situation I'm in and not only it affecting me when he's drunk but the rest of the time too. So many of our issues are deep rooted in his drinking and my hatred of myself and often him, admittedly. It's a very very hard thing to admit I both love and hate my life partner. As I imagine it is for many others.
All I would say is in just a few days this forum has helped me immensely, both in facing reality and being more honest with myself and him, and putting me first. I'm looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow, as scary as it is.
I hope you can make a meeting again soon but if not, please come back here and continue to share. There are so many people here who understand, listen and don't judge. It's truly amazing really.
Once I learnt about denial I found it almost impossible to stay in denial anymore. I think that you have some great awareness. Isn't journalling a wonderful tool?
It must be difficult to hear that your husband doesn't want to stop drinking so am sending you and the children ((((hugs)))).
Also, want to say thank you to IAH for the image that she triggered in meâ¦. I am remembering those old fashioned tv adverts that would start by saying 'are you a fix-it kind of girl?' and the camera cuts to girl, could be me, sitting on the sofa, probably with needle and thread in hand, looking down the lens with furrowed brow and nodding, yes, that's me!!!
Wow Milkwood - I have been thinking about this for a long time, but you put the words to my thoughts..."once I learnt about denial I found it almost impossible to stay in denial anymore" This was one of my AH's questions whenever I would react to his "stuff"... "I have been doing this for over 20 years, what's different now that it bothers you so bad?" DENIAL. I was in complete and utter denial and now I cannot live that way, my brain is changed and I can't go back!
HopefullyOptimistic, things didn't change for me until I changed. It took me about 3 years to figure out detachment. It took me about 3 years to figure out my griping and complaining and getting angry about his drinking was doing nothing but hurting me. I am finally at peace with the fact that I am powerless over what my AH does. It has been the best revelation ever because it doesn't just work with the A in my life, but also my kids and friends...anyone! I realize that I am not in control of anyone and they are going to do what they do no matter what I say or how I act...it is not up to me to orchestrate everyone's life. It may sound silly, but seriously I finally feel free...and it is wonderful! Nothing has changed with my situation, but I have put the illness back on the ill one...it is not mine...it is his. Freedom. I now realize that I can do whatever *I* need to do, I do not live in fear of what the future brings...i am not worried about the "what if's" that concern others...I am free to be me. :) So glad you are here!
