The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things I often do is isolate myself and then complain and feel sorry for myself that no one loves me (which to me equals pays attention to me). As I am going through this process, I realize more every day how much I have made attention from others my source of validation and my definition of love. And I realize that it's misplaced. I hope to get to the place where I have positive self-regard and can rely on trusting my HP for love and attention. I'm not there yet.
At the same time, I want to be around positive, healthy, sane people. Especially since I tend to lose my sense of self, I should try to stay away from the distant, emotionally unavailable whack jobs that I normally flock to! So I have been making a conscious effort to reach out to people that I wouldn't normally talk to, including asking someone to be my sponsor, and calling a therapist. And it's going GREAT. I host a big neighborhood party many years and this year is one of them. I've been handing out invitations to people who I only know a little but who seem non-crazy. I also exchanged numbers with a lady who seems lovely and kind who I've seen at a yoga class three or four times. We had a nice talk and we might have coffee some time. I've been reaching out to two new neighbors who are sane and stable, and have NOT been reaching out to another neighbor (a woman) who I used to think I was really close with, but who disappears and stops speaking to me for months at a time. I crave her attention -- probably because it's so difficult to get, just like with alcoholic boyfriends. Ugh, such a pattern. But how great to finally see this pattern, and how great to know that I can make any choice I want to make and leave the results in god's hands and I can choose to reach out to other people and make a whole new circle of friends and NOT feel so alone.
To me, this is related to #4 of the promises: "Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents."
I admit I chuckled at the 'whack jobs that I normally flock to'....that made me giggle as that was me to a T! I either attracted them or flocked to them, because I am so often an all in gal or all out gal. It felt awkward at first trying to friends with 'mature, sane' people, but my results align with yours - it was a blessing and a gift.
You are doing great and breaking the isolation is such a gift to give ourselves. To me, that's a lovely self-care tool that makes me realize I am worthy and I am OK. So often, living with this disease, we sit and wonder what is wrong with us that they would ____________________________ like that. Realizing we are worthy and fun is like turning on a light switch in a dark room - at least, it was for me.
Keep working it - it wears well on you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are doing so much. I want what you have. I have been completely intimidated to go to a yoga class, and here you are approaching people you've met there. That's huge.
I will I will I will. I am not alone. I know anyone there will be concerned with their own body, not whether my positioning or posture is off or if I breathe when we are postponing that part. You are doing it.
As IAH says, you describe lovely self-care by breaking isolation. Nice.
I enjoyed your post and applaud your self awareness and willingness to move beyond what feels comfortable. As they say, "if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you". Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Iamhere, Jill, and savingmyself for your kind words and for your long-time service on these boards. One of the group of character defects I have is around socializing and developing friendships. I spend a lot of time measuring up social invitations and having expectations of other people doing a tit-for-tat on the invite process. So if I've initiated a conversation with someone and I've invited them for coffee (or whatever) a couple of times and they don't reciprocate, I go through this belief process:first, I think that they are uncouth for not performing the social niceity of returning the hosting duties, then I think that they don't like me because they aren't paying attention to me and inviting me out the way I expect them to, and then I either cut them dead or go overboard in inviting them to more things so they'll like me. I'm totally nuts! That is so controlling. BUT I also tend to want to start friendships with people who are emotionally unavailable and then I want them to behave like I want them to behave. So... I hope that with these new attempts at friendship, I can simply make the effort at a get-together and let go of outcomes.
Boy, does writing out my crazy thought process for others to see make it clear to me how crazy it is. So grateful to have found this board/forum. It's helping me know myself and identify my motivations for so much of what I do that makes me unhappy.
Great post. It sounds like your doing a great job. For me the unhealthy people are everywhere so my goal is trying to see the good in all of them and get joy for myself through everyone if I can. Its not easy because I can be a lot like you in that I can look for validation in others, healthy or not and im triggered by emotionally unavailable people and crave their impossible to get attention. My family give me all the practice I need, affected by alcoholism means there are issues and unhealthy thinking everywhere. Enjoy your new found connections.
