The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reading Serenity's recent post about what she doesn't miss - I can echo that sentiment, I do NOT miss the craziness of being part of an alcohol-fueled relationship. But it gets me thinkin, something I'm accused of over-doing (but brain doesn't have an off switch right Serenity?); anyway, thinking about some of the people I know that would scoff at AA/Al-Anon/12-Step programs in general because THEY don't have "those" kinds of problems - but they DO have their own "ism's". I think of ism's as those things someone might do to excess in an attempt to drown out the inner unhappiness. I say "in an attempt" because, for me at least, until I drag that inner unhappiness out into the light, examine it, talk about it (even if just to myself), read up, explore and understand it, that inner unhappiness will continue to overpower me and make me less than the person I strive to be. For example: I see people with overloaded carts at thrift stores, walk to their overloaded car (never unloaded car) and wonder what unhappiness are they trying to beat down; I have a friend who cannot NOT have some sport event playing on a tv wherever he is at, talking to him, his eyes are always straying to the action or he fidgets horribly; another friend expounds on the virtue of eating gluten free, how the government is poisoning us with "chem-trails" and how we should all be taking probiotics because they are so good for us, at the same time sucking on the cigarettes in one hand and glass of wine in the other; I see evidence of "ism's" in people all around me.
Since embracing the 12-Step concept of "powerless over "fill in the blank" and it makes my life less manageable", It helps me to identify what things are mine or in my power to change/fix, and what things aren't so I need to let go. After figuring out what things ARE in my court, then I need to figure out what can be done to change things - usually that's in me - understanding me and why something works to damage me, and, how to stop letting that something damage me. I'm involved with a man (gasp, yeah, amazing eh? five years alone and now I'm not) but boy howdy does this relationship make the wheels in my head grind noisily. He is not an A, has a few of his own mild ism's but basically pretty normal guy I think (so far, I keep waiting for the negative shoe to drop, expecting it to drop with a huge bang once my guard is truly down for maximum damage - boy talk about an ism!). I find myself getting antsy/restless/upset when he doesn't do what I think he should do..... uh, hey dopey dwarf, you are powerless over other people, remember? And reverting to typical dependent behavior that is sure to drive him away shaking his head at the crazy person I became after a few weeks (months now) of seemingly normal behavior.
It doesn't help that its summertime, bus job on hiatus so I have more time on my hands than is good for me. But I am working at identifying and resolving the issues so they don't make me that person he doesn't want to know. Pinkchip's inner cheerleader post rings hard and true for me as well, my inner voice can be either a cheerleader or a doomsayer depending on where I let her go and it is up to me alone to encourage the one that lifts me up.
Sunday morning avoiding getting work done musings anyone?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
You are so special to me LMH, I've said that before because your shares tap both my head and heart at the same time and I sit up at my desk, listen and take notes. I think at the moment that your cute Avatar is part of it...you're a cute child with wisdom that my head and heart relate to. "Admitted we were powerless is a mindset for me, a first thought to stop me from just jumping into or at something I know little to nothing about. It causes me to look before I leap; think about what it is that I don't know rather than arrogantly and egotistically play the king obsessively. I've retired from that and now am enjoying letting others teach and showing me what's up in their own words. Its more fun that way and my friends and associates base grows and grows and now include lots of children. Everyday is a learning day keep teaching. ((((hugs))))
LMH - I agree 100%......as I grew in the program, and began to see and realize me and life as it is vs. how I thought it was, I realized that everybody's got something. Some are more glaring than others, but I've never (yet) met a perfectly balanced person who did not have some type of obsessive behavior, way or thinking or worse.
I still have situations that cause my disease to freak out my head. Today during the informal meeting after the meeting, 2 program friends were making lunch plans. My first instinct was, "Why am I not included?" My inner cheerleader says, "I am fun to be around, I should be invited - anybody would love to lunch with me." BUT, my disease starts talking like, "You're not as special as you think you are - you are excluded for a reason. So - one simple event can spin my head around in less than a minute.
After we all parted ways, I got in my car and prayed about it. I didn't pray for my will - just for peace and a sign that I am OK and worthy. Before I got home, one of the gals called me and shared that the other gal friend had asked her to be her sponsor. That's why they excluded me - it was sponsor/sponsee time. I love that my HP shows me mini miracles each and every day when I am open to receiving them.
I can certainly understand the putting expectations on others and uncertainty about codependent behavior. I guess I am grateful I am still married and we know each other, good - bad - other. Relationships are difficult in the best of circumstances - this disease just makes them more challenging to figure out. All I know is my best relationships are with those I feel safe with and can be 100% me - warts and all. I no longer invest time and energy in superficial relationships and am always cordial but I'd rather have a handful of close true friends that hundreds of FB friends.
You work a good program and process well - so you already know it is as it should be and will be OK. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This post hits home for me. So much easier when single to work on self, but when with someone else the stinkin thinkin and isms start to twitch. I've had to step up my program since blending for sure to keep myself feeling balanced. A big work in progress here and happy to relate to you.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for this topic IAH . Your wisdom, and recovery are impressive. I found that with the tools of this program, one day at a time , I grow and change and that is fantastic.
Thanks for sharing this journey.
