The material presented
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Hello, I have have been dating my boyfriend for around 6 m koonths. I knew from the beginning he is an alcoholic and that he had been sober for just under a year. He recently had a relapse and told his family and I he could reel it back in with just going to meetings. It didn't work and he asked me to take him to rehab so I did. I love him deeply and only want the best for him. When he is sober, he is the nicest guy I have met. He has never hurt me when he is drunk, he just gets extremely angry with himself. When they took him for intake, they asked what triggered this and he said his relationship with his father and working for his father. He has told his dad he is done and has promised me he won't work for him anymore. He volunteered to go to rehab and he wants to get his life back together. He repetitively says how sorry he is to have put me in this position and how grateful he is to have me by his side. He also says how he wants to be better for himself, for me, and for us. He wants to go to couple counseling when he is through with rehab and feels stable. I know I need to take this one step at a time, but am I stupid or naive for staying with him? Sorry if I rambled, I just have no idea what to think. My heart and mind say stay but people around me say don't. Any help would be appreciated.
I don't think you are stupid or naive. I do think you might benefit from alanon. Fact is, your bf is VERY early on in recovery and is more busted on the inside than you or he realize. I am sure he loves you as best he can, but some of his statements of devotion to you are coming from that needy, busted alcoholic place. It remains to be seen if you and he are compatible with a healhier version of him (sober for at least a few years in AA preferably). While, I am sure working for his dad is probably difficult, it being a "trigger" is BS, with all due respect. Try not to buy into that drama. He relapsed from feeling sorry for himself and not working a program...period. You are best off to detach from what his currently busted alcoholic brain thinks is the "reason" this happened. It is all largely malarkey. He needs betrer coping skills. No job is worth tossing away my sobriety (close to 8 years sober here). For you, alanon would help you not get caught up in this drama and then choose to love him or not how he really is.
Welcome cornwell to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you jumped in and shared. I agree with pinkchip above me - Al-Anon would be a great place for you to go. Alcoholism is a chronic disease which one never heals. One can recover and be alcohol-free but it's a daily reprieve only from the disease and all that it brings. Al-Anon showed me how to take care of me, detach from the disease and the diseased and be OK no matter what they are/are not doing.
I am also a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon). For me, I drank when I was happy, sad, mad, celebrating, grieving, etc. Waking up was an excuse to alter my mind, and I was only able to recover when I admitted I was totally powerless over alcohol/mind-altering substances and my life was unmanageable.
If he makes it, and grows in recovery, and you do not - you will find yourselves 'unbalanced' --- based on what I've witnessed in the program. If he relapses again, you'll have support from others who understand the disease and loving an alcoholic. I had many folks over the years tell me I should leave, I deserve better, etc. (I am married to an A) as they are coming from a completely different place than those of us who live with or love one with the disease. It's your choice to make alone, but the tools and support of Al-Anon will help you clear your mind and make the best choice for you/your serenity.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is help and hope!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
