The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is now in the air...returning home from her home in Central Valley CA. I admire her courage, determination and commitment in our life. I asked Akua; my Higher Power for it's attention to her safe flight which I am assured Akua will do and still I hold my breath a bit as she covers the 2600 miles back to Hawaii and Hilo. I can survive wifelessness and what is difficult is surviving the realization that the most important side of me is not here. I am astounded I am speaking this way cause you see I never asked her to marry me even when I was willing. I wanted a marriage not another divorce and so this is what I have even as I am divorced by space and miles. We share the program together...it has been the major essence of our lives together and apart...how the hell does that happen for me coming from within the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction? I will listen to your thought and experiences and ideas on how that has happened. I filed it inside of my "Al-Anon miracles file". Gonna go to a meeting an listen to more lessons cause this works when I work it. ((((hugs))))
Jerry - safe travels for your wife and here's to your reunion soon to be! Your posts here have taught me that when I think I know the plan, the person, the (insert thing here) - I am often not even remotely aware of God's grace. I went to a meeting this morning and we talked about being present in the moment and enjoying the joy. I can say I am happiest when I am able, yet the program has gifted me with so many tools when my brain goes sideways.
Two examples - I was walking with my dog this morning and there was a new crack in the sidewalk. My brain goes, "Gee - there's a new crack there - OMG - there's probably a sink hole forming!!!"
I was sitting in the meeting, and my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I pull it out, see it's my dad, and my brain goes, "I better take the call - they're in their 80's and it's probably an emergency!!!"
So - tons of time in the program, already done my morning program steps, read my dailies, talked with God and STILL my brain processes in a panic/worse case scenario. For me, the grace of the program is I can laugh about this. I can share so others can help me and so I can help others. I can quickly remind myself that my HP truly wants me happy, joyous and free. He does not want me to freak out and act upon these thoughts but instead leads me back to program and fellowship so I have a safe place to talk about it.
I have no freaking clue why I am so lucky to be in recovery. I have no freaking clue why I am still here many days. I have no clue why I am blessed with lovely friends, peace of mind and pure joy most of the time. I used to wonder, "Why Me?" "Why did recovery stick for me and not for others?"
25+ years ago, before we married, my AH and I had a long talk. We both had been married and divorced already and neither wanted a repeat of that. Before we ever got married, we committed to stay married no matter what. I respect this vow immensely and despite the many challenges of being married to him, his relapse, our qualifying boys and more, this conversation is present in my mind and frontal often in my brain.
Before recovery, I was not loyal to my words. I would walk/run/take-off when things got hard. I had many unresolved issues in my life, my brain and my past. Any time I've thought it was too hard or too difficult to bear, I go back to my commitment to him, how I used to be and how blessed I am today. My worst days in recovery don't come close to comparing to my best days before. I am grateful, and more graceful than ever before. (((Hugs))) - enjoy your reunion with your wife!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You let your self get healthy in alanon and so did she. Now you both know what healthy love is so you can feel it and appreciate it so much more due to having better self esteem, self-respect, and boundaries. I suspect the program also taught you how to give of yourself in a healthy way and I see you do that here all the time. Lastly, I think Akua made this happen for you cuz you let him!
The whirlwind has arrived!! She has cleaned everything within reach even though I have done it several times myself, instead of me. I swear if I stood still for just a wee moment she would have thrown me in the shower and used a scrub brush on me...so good to have her back...lol ((((hugs))))
I like what Pinkchip said, we get healthier and learn to make better choices. Not only can we recognize healthy love, but also it's unhealthy counterpart. I didn't know what I didn't know before I experienced the A that drove me here. I hear the appreciation you have for your wife and appreciation for your love for your wife; being in the newborn stages of a healthy relationship, I really understand that appreciation - I know how bad a bad relationship can be and I find am grateful for how wonderful this good one is (so far, hmmm, when will I stop adding those two words).
This thought just in: "Thank you God for giving me a love for this _______" We thank our Higher Power for a lot of things, but I never thought much before about thanking Him for giving me a LOVE of those things I do truly love!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
((Jerry)) Your loving and caring heart is inspiring.