So I posted here last summer. I also sat in on chat room sessions. This website opened me up to realizing what i was going to have to do to start keeping my sanity. It has helped. I went to a face to face and got to hear how people focused and remembered themselves. Boundaries are not something that was shown to me growing up. I have learned the process over the past year and I can't even remember the old me. I actually see people are receptive and so supportive. It also helps to weed out those who are not good for me. Last summer I had thrown my AH out. Promised no drinking. You know the rest. So now as I'm sure you can guess same boat. This time though I say I'm numb inside. Not in the bad way but in the way I am realizing I do not want this for myself. It's amazing how the stronger and happier we get the bulbs go off that you deserve better. I have come to see that I'm pretty special and awesome. I have learned that it's interesting to watch my AH slowly unravel. Situations are flipped during arguments. Have honestly told my AH to die and to get out and anything else that will just shut him up and walk away. Then I hate myself for being pushed to that extreme. I try to pick those right words to avoid the land mines. I don't look at him and say why are you doing this to me. That disappeared 2 years ago. I now see I was allowing him to affect me. My mother said its me and I was like you're right I can't deny. That's an AhA moment for me. I find myself now saying after a fight I don't deserve this and I deserve better. The love for the amazing part of him is fading. There is definitely fear of being alone after 8 yrs of the relationship. My therapist reminds me there is life after divorce. I had hoped that I was going to detach with love and be able to live with it. I know that road is slowly fading. I want mental sanity. Normal conversations. A soft touch more than here and there. Love. Honesty. Health. There is a thread of love left in me for my AH. I always say I'm one of those people who can take it and take it forgive and move on. But I also will hit a point and be done forever. I can be downright icey. I know we should forgive and forget but some people just shouldn't stay in your life. Anyone ever feel like their soul needs to smile and it isn't. I have to help it smile so I can smile. This fight tonight just really made me say I'm close to choosing just me and not us.