The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Sunday my A lover / bff and I are talking on the phone and out of the blue he asks is he can see me that day. Needless to say shock and questions flew out of my mouth - "why? what for? are you going to break my heart? is this a goodbye meeting?" He tells me "no he just wants to see me and spend time with me - he says he would understand if I didn't want to see him after everything he has put me through. Well of course I can't tell him no because I do love him so very much.
So we met and had a really eye-opening conversation - he told me that he thinks I'm vain and require a lot of attention (I am and I know this - I am a LEO after all - lol) - he also told me he thinks that a lot of time I'm just about me, me, me (which I disagree with - I am a very caring person and am always wanting to help others and makes things better for them). I told him that "I feel like this relationship is all one-sided now - that he controls everything - whether we talk or not - whether we text or not - whether we see each other or no- and I really hope that is just his disease because if it isn't than he's an asshole" - he did say he didn't realize how complicated things had become between us but we both felt it was good we had this talk -
He also said he isn't ready to detox yet because it will be a 3 day process that will be pure hell and could possibly end him up in the ER. I know all this already.
So we will see where things go from here - I was very pleased with myself for having the courage to say the things to him that I did. This isn't all about him and he needs to know how his disease is making me feel about our relationship also.
Well done for having the courage to speak up for yourself and maintaining the boundaries that you need to stay healthy. Hope you've been doing some lovely things to recoup your energy. (((((hugs))))))
My A accuses me of being selfish every time we talked... It's been so hard to reconcile sacrificing certain things for them, and having them tell us we're selfish. It's made me question everything.
This is a very blame throwing disease... it's never their fault, it's always ours... no matter how we explain or beg... it's our fault.
Hang in there.. eventually you realize it really isn't you.
(((Jojo))) - I too applaud you for being able to be true t you and protect your boundaries! If you felt good about the conversation, then it stands to reason that it went well! When I started recovery and tried to get my hands around all that was shared, I found out that when I reached beyond my scope, I started feeling uncomfortable - which led me to change. The cycle continued and often that's how I discovered what about me needed to be examined/processed/modified or worked on.
It is not unusual for those we love to react to changes we make. I was a huge people pleaser and enabler before the program. When I started to listen instead of react, and put me first, my qualifiers were confused and also called me selfish. At times I was - esp. compared to before - but putting me and my recovery first was not optional any longer. I just practiced QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally and worked on me!
Keep doing you! Trust the process and the program. It works when we work it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well done for having the courage to speak up for yourself and maintaining the boundaries that you need to stay healthy. Hope you've been doing some lovely things to recoup your energy. (((((hugs))))))
I'm on a two week vacation from work and thank God for that because I need to be able to focus on things during the day that make me happy and that I enjoy doing - if I was at work all I would do is sit around and dwell on him and his issues! ugh
(((Jojo))) - I too applaud you for being able to be true t you and protect your boundaries! If you felt good about the conversation, then it stands to reason that it went well! When I started recovery and tried to get my hands around all that was shared, I found out that when I reached beyond my scope, I started feeling uncomfortable - which led me to change. The cycle continued and often that's how I discovered what about me needed to be examined/processed/modified or worked on.
It is not unusual for those we love to react to changes we make. I was a huge people pleaser and enabler before the program. When I started to listen instead of react, and put me first, my qualifiers were confused and also called me selfish. At times I was - esp. compared to before - but putting me and my recovery first was not optional any longer. I just practiced QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally and worked on me!
Keep doing you! Trust the process and the program. It works when we work it!
OMG I never thought of that till I read your post! If he thinks I am a selfish, self-absorbed person now just wait till he sees how I begin to change thanks to Al-Anon and all of you lovely people - I will now begin to focus on me, me, me and to hell with him. I'm sure that will piss him off. Oh well - his problem not mine. This road is about to get really rocky. LOL
My A accuses me of being selfish every time we talked... It's been so hard to reconcile sacrificing certain things for them, and having them tell us we're selfish. It's made me question everything.
This is a very blame throwing disease... it's never their fault, it's always ours... no matter how we explain or beg... it's our fault.
Hang in there.. eventually you realize it really isn't you.
I was really shocked when he implied that I only think of myself - so far from the truth. I am constantly being told how generous I am and what a kind heart I have. I donate $$$ every month to a couple of charities that I am passionate about. I constantly buy meals for my co-workers and have them delivered to work. I always remember friends and their birthdays and Christmas and get them a thoughtful gift or two.
Do I get a little "psycho" and "ballistic" when he isn't keeping in touch and I don't know if he is dead or alive and I start blowing up with his phone with texts???? HELL YES!!!! But it's not because I'm being selfish it's because I'm not selfish and care about him and his drinking and if he is dead or alive!
I'm working very hard and not trying to understand why he thinks the way that he thinks. I know that I'm not selfish in the way that he's accusing, but I do have to own my part in all of it. Regardless of whether I am changing, or think I can fix or change things. Nothing I say or do will change anything. The program teaches us to focus on ourselves, which seems selfish - but the only person we have control over is ourselves.
Try and find face to face meetings, read literature, and keep coming back. It's so worth it.
Jojo you did well. being able to listen to your friends assessment of your personality. I know I would resist and constantly defend myself.
When I did my own inventory. I was amazed at what I discovered. When I first came into program I thought I was the most unselfish, compassionate person in the world. After all I made myself invisible, and focused on taking care of other people's needs. When I was working for the 4th through the 11th step and examining my motives, I discovered, much to my dismay that all of my actions were motivated by selfish motives-- wanting people to like me, to manipulate them to do what I wanted, wanting approval, and for them to turn around and take care of me. In a way that was very selfish but very subtle at the same time.
Today I am happy that I was able to be honest enough to see what I was doing and then implement the new Al-Anon tools that help me to validate myself ask for what I needed and to keep the focus on myself.
