The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have never asked for prayers for myself (that I can recall), but today I am asking all who will to please pray for me. I, myself, can only ask "Thy Will Be Done" because I don't believe in praying for myself in such a situation. It feels selfish to me.
Today is my birthday (late 40's) and I meet with my new (first) sponsor for the first time before our normal meeting. I have had a very emotional time lately and I'm not certain I even know how to express it all Without coming across as a little nuts!
I have mentioned before that I have serious chronic pain, but things seem worse than before. I have a plethora of health conditions that require the services of endocrinologists, reumatologists, neurosurgeons, and pain management to name a few. These are not new and so they are simply part of my daily life.
I have started "falling" recently and had a pretty bad one this past week. I have also been quite distressed and depressed because I have just out I have to have an endometrial biopsy and ultrasound done next week to look for cancer. Then, yesterday, I found out my thyroid ultrasound revealed a serious change in the nodules (I've had nodules that have been tested before with no major issues), but, there is a major change now and I have to go Monday for a biopsy on the largest solid mass nodule. It's a pretty big one and they were very clear in saying I needed to do this quick and check to determine if it is malignant. So, Monday and Tuesday I will have biopsies in two very different places looking for cancer :(
I could go into a hundred more things that have been causing stress this month at an extraordinary level, but there is no need. We all have stress. This is just a bad time.
I can only thank God RAH is still working his program and has been amazing during this time of true difficulty. I realize it must be incredibly difficult to have a wife with medical conditions all the time and yet he has been a real life saver for me. I truly am sick of being sick and am so tired of everybody who knows anything talking about how I'm always sick and making a joke that "if there is something strange (medically speakin), she is going to have it". So, I guess I'm having a little bit of a pity party and I'm having difficulty concentrating and working my program like I should. I just don't want to be a burden. Once I get answers, I will know what I have to face and can deal with it. Right now, I'm not dealing too well. I'm not afraid to die, but I am very very concerned for my daughter and for my family, as we are a very close family (despite our internal rumblings).
Anyway, I do appreciate this Group and this Board. You guys have been my lifeline over the past 18 months or so. Without MIP, I don't think I would have made it back to AlAnon.
I'm glad you shared here. I love your avatar btw :) When I look at it, I dream about going on vacation. I also want to tell you that your feelings, your fears don't require an apology in any way. You said "I guess I'm having a little pity party." Absolutely not. Your concerns about your health are real. Your feelings of disappointment about how others joking are real too. People will make jokes about what they don't understand or fear. On the flipside, you're very lucky that your rah is a loving, supportive spouse. That's a lot! And of course, you have us. What a blessing recovery can be!
Oooops!! Happy Birthday! See how that happens? I was so swept up by the things you're fearing, I forgot to celebrate you. Hope you don't do that today! Maybe using the slogan First Things First? Celebrate you. You can invite your higher power with an invitation of gratitude. It's your day. You're loved (((((doingmybest))))
You've done what you can concerning the health issues for now. Worrying robs our time, saps our joy, keeps us from being present. I hope you have a wonderful first meeting with your sponsor today - another gift! I will be praying for you, your family and your doctors. Keep sharing about it if it's helping. I care and understand. I'm a worrier too. Even though I'm suppose to take the next right action and then let go of the results, some things are tougher than others. I take lots of deep breaths and keep reminding myself to stay present.
I hope you report back about your first meeting with your first sponsor and your birthday! I hope you have a beautiful day! You deserve all the best! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this uncertainty, and on your birthday especially.
I am wishing you some lovely things today so that you know that you are loved and cared about and that treats will ease your pain.
And yes, I am sending prayers for you and your health as well.
(((Doingmybest))) - happy, happy birthday to you. I am also sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! Try to stay in the moment as best you can and look for the miracle around you. So sorry for your health issues - I am one who doesn't 'sit well' in limbo - the not knowing and waiting to know.
I too would love to hear back about your sponsor meeting....no concern about sounding overwhelmed - you have a ton going on! We're here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Happy Birthday Praying for your healing and thanking HP in advance for the healing... You say exactly what I say...Thy will be done....thats really all that needs to be said (((doingmybest)))
Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. Overall, though I have no answers yet, my emotions are much, much better.
The meeting with my new sponsor went ver, very well and I really think we will work wonderfully together. She is very blunt and straight to the point (as I am) and I need this!! I am also impressed by how we are actually going back to step one. I was surprised by this because I am fully aware and I do certainly believe that I have no control over alcoholism and my RAH's actions. After a few minutes of discussion, I realized, however, that there are many, many other things I have not addressed my powerlessness over. It was eye opening to say the lease....and in a good way!
I do appreciate the birthday wishes and it was a good day overall. The effects of a new medication are finally wearing off and that helped the day quite a bit!! Sometimes new medications can make you feel "insane" and a true mess! It wasn't until yesterday that I got better control over my emotions. Part of that was simply the enormities of the challenges I am facing and the other was (I believe) medication related.
To be completely honest, it may simply be the prayers from so many wonderful people that has changed my perspective. I do believe in miracles and I do believe my HP can change my own life in the blink of an eye. I also fully believe we have to do our part!! So, I will do what is necessary and let HP do the rest.
I have also met a couple of ladies that I really really like from my meeting and that is an added bonus I never expected. It is particularly wonderful because one lady is someone I would not have reached out to before this program. She is so kind and honestly loving (in a very good way) that I would have never considered her friendship in the past. Instead of seeing her as a strong and lovely lady, I would have stayed away...seeing only our differences instead of our commonalities. Yes, I think I have made two wonderful friends as well as a great friend in my sponsor, once the time for friendship is here that is. Right now, she is a person I genuinely like and trust and I want to lead me to a place of peace and serenity.
Tiredtonight, I am glad you like the avatar. It is a photo I took on our visit to Maui this year and was one of the most relaxing places on the island to me. There was a lovely cooling breeze and (as you can see) blessed shade. We have beaches here, but ours are unfortunately not attractive with ugly, brownish water and foul smelling mud and reeds. Of course, if we did not have those, we would not have the wonderful fresh shrimp, so I guess it is a trade off...lol. I never knew you had to have marsh grass to have shrimp. That was a real surprise to me...so I learned a new thing to be thankful for. Even though our ocean views aren't lovely, we have great seafood!
Great post and so happy you and your sponsor clicked! I got a chuckle out of the new found friendships too - I can relate. I never expected that - I just expected to spend an hour discussing my life/program/etc. and have found great friendships in recovery.
Keep working it - I love shrimp!!! You made me hungry and it's really early to consider shrimp. We are in KS so all our seafood is frozen.....*sigh* - when I go coastal, I always order seafood and am amazed at the difference between fresh and frozen.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So glad you had a good birthday and are feeling more serenity since your first meeting with your sponsor and that your body has adjusted to the medication. (((doingmybest))) It's a lot to be going through but you are still doing what's in front of you each day. Keep taking care of you.
Thanks for the update on your avatar. I haven't been to Maui but look forward to seeing it someday. I can enjoy your avatar in the meantime TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Oooops!! Happy Birthday! See how that happens? I was so swept up by the things you're fearing, I forgot to celebrate you. Hope you don't do that today! Maybe using the slogan First Things First? Celebrate you. You can invite your higher power with an invitation of gratitude. It's your day. You're loved (((((doingmybest))))
TT