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I've been laid up in bed basically all day, this morning when I woke up I was getting worrying dizzy spells - like a swimming sensation. I've no idea what it was, bit of a headache too. I've felt exhausted, tired, really wiped out, no appetite either. Just been drinking water.
Got up around 7pm to make some cheese on toast as that's all I could really stomach.
Noticed the A in my life had been drinking, could tell - the slight sway in her walk, the slightly glazed look. I no longer care or get p*ssed off, it just makes me feel depressed.
Anyway I wanted to go back to bed, except the A wanted to go to bed - and THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS WITH AN A DOESN'T IT, WHAT THEY WANT. I wanted to lie down and snooze because I've basically been ill all day. No, that's not good enough for an A.
I called her selfish and that she only thinks of herself and went downstairs.
Cue her coming downstairs after a few minutes and standing there (swaying) saying 'Oh I'm selfish?' ... I have my boundaries and don't interact with her when she's been drinking (which is every day). I just put the TV and looked at it, making my point.
The sad thing is that I had primed my phone and had the camera on - I was ready to film her incase she got in my face, starting being verbally abusive or physically attacked me. I would NO compulsion in calling the police and having her removed. I would also press charges - it's the only way this person is going to get it into their thick skull that I will not stand for this. A night in the cells, police involvement - and possible social services referral (we have children) maybe would give the kick up the ar*e that is needed. I don't know.
I'm not really in a good place at the moment. Nothing has changed over the last year or so since I've been on this forum (used to post and hang out in teh chat room).
Work is going really well, I totally enjoy my job, the kids are doing OK, I've been getting back into a lot more physical activity and feeling much better physically (and mentally). But I do feel down about myself, my situation and the future. I feel trapped with this person and that I'm just going through the motions until youngest daughter is a bit older and I can get away from this horrible person I'm with. This is not the person I met all those years ago and is basically just a shell. I don't have any emotional interaction or feeling quite frankly. We've not had sex in over a year and I don't feel physically attractive to this person anymore. I fear that I may be looking for attraction outside, why should I have my life treated like this.
(((Jitsuka))) - so sorry that you are feeling unwell....I don't do 'sick' good at all and everything around me tends to be worse than it may be - I have a bad attitude when I am sick. Be gentle with you and hope you feel better soon. Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way.
My best suggestion is to try and let it go until you feel better. Processing for me is hard when I am well so trying to do so when I am sick is not my best moment. Calling my sponsor at times like this or a trusted program friend is always helpful - I need others to help me see what is real and what is 'my brain on overload.'
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Jitsuka))) - so sorry that you are feeling unwell....I don't do 'sick' good at all and everything around me tends to be worse than it may be - I have a bad attitude when I am sick. Be gentle with you and hope you feel better soon. Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way.
My best suggestion is to try and let it go until you feel better. Processing for me is hard when I am well so trying to do so when I am sick is not my best moment. Calling my sponsor at times like this or a trusted program friend is always helpful - I need others to help me see what is real and what is 'my brain on overload.'
Keep coming back!
Thanks. I feel a bit better this evening for being up and about - basically been stuck in bed all day. Feeling the room swimming when you get up isn't a good feeling.
Also, call me old fashioned , but when you're ill it's not really a nice feeling to be treated unsympathetically and like dirt - which is how I felt today.
I'm just sick of this, I really am.
I feel trapped due to daughter, I can't leave her under the care of her A mother.... but what is she going to learn and is this going to be the example she sees. I can only hope that rock bottom is reached before then. I really do think that some sort of physical situation will arise - my A can be quite unpleasant verbally and argumentative. If the A is being unreasonable or downright rude to me I won't be silent, I will tell them should go to bed and not to be rude to me. If she decides to be belligerent and abusive I will have NO hesitation in using the authorities to have her removed from the house (despite it 'being her house' as she insists on saying when she's pi$$ed. Maybe I should point out that I pay half the mortgage, and oh, that's MY tv and MY computer that's being used? I hate drunks).
In fact the other week I was running late from work and was going to the chippy to get some food for us all, had a drunken phone call whilst travelling home 'where are you?' 'I'm on the bus' ... like I just told you 10 mins before. After another call whilst I was in the chippy I just said 'I'll be home in 15 mins and stop f*cking calling me. I don't appreciate being called by a drunk'. That didn't go down too well - but I don't care now! When I got home I kept my boundaries, sorted out my food, put the tv on / computer on and just ate, not interacting with the drunk. I don't care. That's what she is. A. Drunk.
I could have written this 2 years ago. As it turned out, I did end up getting a police order which had the wonderful proviso of the a not being allowed near our home within 12 hours of consuming drugs or alcohol. It really helped. Good boundaries give emotional space to process life I reckon. Sorry to hear of the bleakness going on. Dive into alanon, it really really helps.
I could have written this 2 years ago. As it turned out, I did end up getting a police order which had the wonderful proviso of the a not being allowed near our home within 12 hours of consuming drugs or alcohol. It really helped. Good boundaries give emotional space to process life I reckon. Sorry to hear of the bleakness going on. Dive into alanon, it really really helps.
The A in my life is a 'secret' bedroom drinker, I've done all the searching for empty vodka bottles and taht, done with that. I've learned my boundaries and stick to them pretty much so.
It is bleak. I feel torn in two sometimes - in other aspects of my life things are going really well. I have been in a job for the last 3 years which I really, really enjoy. I actually look forward to going to work (took a gamble and did a career change a few years ago and its work out), intellectually stimulating job, not pressurised, great people to work with and supportive. I've engaged back with sport over the last couple of years and feeling physically good. I do ju-jitsu and kickboxing during the week, and take our daughter to ju-jitsu on saturdays (were I volunteer with the club and assist with the teaching), I train there too. Daughter's schooling is going really well, she's got 1 more year left or primary school and everything is well.
... but with the A in my life ... I feel nothing. There's no spark, no connection, no feeling there. When someone drinks everyday it just grinds it out of you. When you come home and you can tell she's been drinking. It's just depressing. When you're sat by yourself in the evening and thinking 'wtf am I doing?' and you're trapped because it's not your house but financially you're stuck, and you have to protect your daughter too. When you know the A can be abusive and be unpleasant and mean to you, when you're thinking 'is this going to be the moment I have to protect myself and call the police if she kicks off'. Well yeah, it's more akin to an abusive relationship really isn't it. I feel nothing for her now, it's all been destroyed by the drink, the destructive soul-sucking alcohol. It really is the devils substance.
So no, I'm not really in a good place right now.
I've been to meetings in the past, they've been OK but seem just like a holding circle pattern ... what can they actually do for me? I am stuck in this situation and no amount of going to meetings and hearing the same thing is going to change that right now.
I don't know. I'm just emotionally worn out a bit quite frankly.
I can relate to that too. The wtfs. And despite all the sweet as things happening, still the drunk. The feeling of financial stuckness. My a and I don't share a mortgage. But nonetheless the financial investments "I feel" I have made in the course of our marriage as well as the kids and my time investment ( lol but I mean it in a way) I'd be a complete liar if I said they didn't weigh heavily in my mind and sense of powerlessness. We ended up separating physically and living in separate states. Not having to live with an alcoholic greatly improved my sense of happiness and lessened the pissing on my parade which was having to even look at him by the time it bottomed out. Yeah it sucks when it reaches that point. Over time and with physical distance, a kind of blanket lifted off my view. I started to have compassion for his illness and really started to look at me in all this. That bit is JUST about my process mind you and NOTHING at all to do with what's happening for you. I do know that it is very damaging to ones own health when the strong sense of revulsion for another human being permeates our being and that is yet another shitty consequence of alcoholism, one I wouldn't wish on anyone having and still being at times vulnerable to it. I don't know you but I feel for you in this situation and hope the cloud lifts.
Have you seen a lawyer? Even if you don't follow through with it, maybe it could be empowering to know what options are available to you.
Hang in there.
Today I just did my own thing, A is at work (it's the school summer hols and to cover it we have to split the hols for the kids), I am still not feeling 100% from yesterday's weird dizziness/migraine illness so took some paracetemol and just read, put away clothes, did the washing, watched some youtube vids, at least I can get up and about.
I just ignored the A when she was home, I'd sent an abrupt text (saying something like "Don't you EVER speak to me or treat me like that again tonight and I'm sick of your crap" .... I know I shouldn't, I should keep my boundaries, but I was SERIOUSLY p$$ed off when I went to bed. I had visions - literally visions that I could see myself in this - of the A pouring some liquid over my PC in drunken mood and then me retaliating by taking her new expensive laptop and smashing it up in the garden, then her new smartphone and smashing that up, then all those bottles of perfume and smashing them up, then taking a spade out to the car, caving all the windows in, the windscreen, smashing in the bonnet, the side doors all the time screaming "WELL I'VE F*CKING WELL PAID FOR HALF OF THIS CAR SO F*CK YOU!" ... that was odd those visions, I felt my heart racing and my mind racing and had to sit up in bed, just reading some stuff on my phone. Didn't get to sleep until about 3am),
A came home and took daughter to the park, I just made dinner for us all (once again I could detect she'd been drinking, but I was not in the least bit suprised). I just blanked her. Didn't acknowledge her existence, that is how I keep my emotional and physical distance and protect myself. After dinner she just went to bed. Drunk. At 8pm, how crap is that. This is my life and it totally and utterly sucks.
I'm a little bit better than yesterday but still pretty meh.
To answer your question a4l about lawyers and stuff, well I've already been through the whole divorce and child court stuff and I don't really want to do it again. That's why I thought THIS person was different. Oh how I was wrong, turns out she was a secret drinker and hidden it from me. If I'd known before we had a child together I would have walked, without a question or a doubt. The only thing keeping me here is our daughter and to me - that's a pretty sh!tty way to live. I pay half the mortgage so I would be able to argue in court that I have a material share. I don't have any assets or anything, however, I have an inhertance from a relative who died last year that is being sorted out. Financially there is a possibility in the future. I do not want to get a larger house together with this A as that would mean being financially tied to her, I want out long term and whether that is because she is dead from drinking or me leaving is only a matter of time.
We all delude ourselves, were all in this together. I dont see it as them and us anymore, the whole its all their fault and Im the good one is part of our denial. Its a family disease, we all get sick and bad behaviour is not only with the alcoholics. We become insane, I remember when I finally realised that yes I was insane, my behaviour was insane and so was my thinking. Alanon meetings, readings, sponsor has helped me see reality and my thinking is much more rational now and I can see my own part in the life I was leading. I was never an innocent victim of a bad alcoholic.
A very important part of the peace I found in AlAnon came from making adjustments in how I viewed the alcoholic. Before coming to AlAnon, I viewed and treated the alcoholic with anger, resentment, and impatience, all based on my mistaken and unhealthy view that their behavior was a choice, a rational decision to sabotage our mutual plans and agreements.
AlAnon reminded me that we are all children of god, and that it is not my right to cast judgment on my own and treat others with contempt, blaming them for behavior that clearly is not coming from a place of happiness. Alcoholism is a disease, a terrible disease, from which alcoholics themselves suffer the most.
AlAnon helped me see that the bitterness I was directing toward the alcoholic was not helping them, and was poisoning me. I had a choice to make: feel "right" and justified in my mistreatment and condemnation of the alcoholic and maintain the negative insanity, or see them in a light of compassion, as a sufferer of a terrible disease, and turn the focus towards healing my own mind and soul.
I am so grateful for the wisdom and tools of AlAnon that allowed me to see this choice and adopt the latter. The Topic "Alcoholism, a Disease" is found in Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, and Hope for Today, and were extremely helpful in making this adjustment. Making this adjustment on my end has brought incredible changes within myself, and greatly improved my relationship with the alcoholic.
It is certainly a challenge at times, but AlAnon works for me when I work the program. I wish you the best on your journey
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
