The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think something has finally shifted in me. Finally. All the things that have been tarring me up inside for the past four years...my paralyzing insecurities surrounding my relationship...it's all changing. I'm not sure why or how but I am finally finding some relief. Like most of these relationships...when it's good it's good and when it's not it's hell. I'm not doing anything different necessarily. If I had to describe it I would say I've had a bit of a physic shift. Maybe the relationship is coming to the end. Maybe I just don't care as much as I use too. I Love him...But the "in Love" part is hibernating. It could come back...it's not lost forever but I've had to tuck it away for my own self preservation. I've done all I can do. The rest is up to him and I fully understand he may never get back to a place where he cares enough about himself to try.
He's not drinking or drugging but he's not really sober. His depression is more crippling then ever. His sugar addiction is out of control which impacts his depression. He's easily gained 80lbs...up and down up and down. His clothes don't fit and he wont buy bigger ones. He doesn't want to be seen in public anyway. He prefers porn over me....sex is getting too difficult anyway and it's been emotionally void on his end for sometime. His hygiene is awful and he's unable to work which leaves us financially crippled and on the constant edge of ruin.
This is all nothing new. What's new is how I'm feeling. More detached I think. More at peace with me maybe. To the person on the outside looking in it's very obvious that all of this has nothing to do with any short fall on my part but as you all know when you are this close it's very easy to loose all perspective. I feel I am now gaining back my perspective. I am making myself a priority again and refusing to be a hostage. I don't know what the future of this relationship is but I know I've done the best I could do at the time. I'm going to focus on saving myself and hope that he follows but if he doesn't I know it's not my fault. There isn't a suggestion that hasn't been made...an avenue that's hasn't been explored. He has to Love himself enough to save himself...and so do I.
(((Nightingale)) thank you for an inspiring post I have experienced that exact shift and was so grateful when it happened. i do believe that by using detachment, living one day at time, focused on myself , treating everyone with courtesy and respect while trusting HP accomplished this fantastic shift .
The Steps and daily readings also paved the way Keep on keeping on-- You are not alone.
(((Nightingale))) - lovely share - thank you for that. I can see you choosing you and that's a great thing. More will be revealed and you're letting go. For me, small changes happened, then felt normal and then more and so it goes....progress always, not perfection.
You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You have just described my life and also the state of mind that is arising in me. It goes in ups and downs for me at the moment, but each time I slip the slip lasts less time than before. (((((Hugs)))))
