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Do the A's in our lives think we are stupid? I went into the bathroom this afternoon and it looked as if someone had vomited in the sink and hadn't done a great job cleaning it up. I came out and asked my husband if he had been sick earlier in the day. He said no, why? I told him what it looked like to me. He still denied being sick. Let me also say there was a reddish tintbto the sink also. Earlier in the day we had an event at our business. He disappeared for a little while to go home and change out of his sweaty shirt. It took him a while and when he returned he had a red powerade with him. I asked where he had gotten it and he said out of the fridge at home.
So, lie number one was where he got the red powerade because he and I both know it was not in the fridge at home. Lie two was the redddish tinged ring of leftover, not quite cleaned up, vomit in the sink. It is only the two of us in the house. I wasn't sick so obviously it was him!! Why such a stupid and obvious lie?? I know the answer to this one......because A's lie.....always and forever!
This does lead to a question I want to ask. I know we can't control what our A does and what our A drinks but if they lie and we know they are lying, do we say something or just act stupid? I often let the lie go because I don't want to start a fight. But on the other hand, I don't want him to think he is getting away with anything. When he says he only bought one bottle and I know for sure that he bought two, is it better to say something or act like I am that stupid??
How about "whether or not you drank isn't the issue. I was concerned you were sick. If you didn't get sick fine. If it was you, I'm concerned...whatever the reason." Doesn't need to be a battle.
I found that taking the focus of the alcoholic and placing it on myself worked well. Accepting the fact that I was dealing with a disease and that "denial of reality " was a major symptom of this disease helped me to not get all excited when I encountered a "lie" or misrepresentation"
They probably did not even remember the incident and then I had to ask myself why I wanted to know in the first place since I was powerless over others.
Mind your own business (MYOB)was the slogan that helped me to stop and focus on myself and stop taking anyone's actions as an affront to me.
While HotRod's point is well taken, I think that being lied to by your husband in your own home is absolutely your business. I like what pinkchip wrote. Confront from a more neutral place, even though it is oh so difficult to ignore (or rather leave out of the convo) the elephant in the room. I am still fairly new, so take what you'd like. Good luck to you.
I like what Pink had to say in terms of how to approach the situation so much conflict in life could be avoided based upon how things are said, in terms of coming from a place of concern vs attacking.
However that being said .. you are dealing with an active A and very honestly if their lips are moving they are probably lying. What hotrod said also resonates .. and it used to tick me off when someone would tell me things in my marriage were none of my business .. come to find out after a lot of program work .. these people are right .. it becomes what do I really want. Do I want someone who is going to lie to me because they lack the ability to tell themselves the truth or not. It doesn't really matter if he's drinking or not it really boils down to how are you going to take care of you. What your AH chooses to do to himself is awful and I'm not saying watching a train wreck in any way is pleasing .. something alanon taught me is I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I'm not going to cure it. No. Is a complete sentence and I have a right to ask things of my XAH .. no he doesn't have to like it and he doesn't have to do anything however he has to respond in some fashion.
My current response would be to hand my XAH a washcloth and say .. I'm concerned you aren't feeling well. (pause) There was vomit left in the bathroom sink .. I just cleaned the sink yesterday and I would appreciate it if you would clean up it up. I would do so without making any questions all statements and move along nothing to see here. I did a similar move when dealing with some bizzaro lie my XAH tried to tell me and I just calmly stated I didn't ask this or that .. I'm saying blah blah. He cleaned up his mess. Now he was not happy .. however there was no fighting.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Before the program, I would have asked and asked and counted the lies. After coming to the program, I might/might not ask - I would call my sponsor first as that's what I was taught to do. Today, after time in the program, I would not even bother asking. My experience is my motive was to 'catch them being bad', and I don't want to live that way any more. I am not responsible for another person, spouse, child or other.
I am a clean freak so I would probably clean it up and never say anything at all. However, I'm getting better all the time, and so long as no visitors were expected - I might leave it. I have my own bathroom and nobody else uses it. Puke in a sink is not worth my serenity today, but would have been a show-stopper before the program. If it persisted for a day/two/three - I have another choice.
It is not my job to clean up after others but if it's only bothering me, I have a choice to clean it, ask for it to be cleaned or leave it be.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If you wanted to say "I know you were drunk! Stop lying!" I'd support that too. It is all about what works best for you to keep your serenity but stay true to yourself at the same time. No right or wrong. Your boundaries are yours and that is what matters.
Above all...I relate to the struggle and lies of dealing with an alcoholic/addict. It sucks.
When I learned to take the heat off of my alcoholic/addict wife she knew that I knew what was going on and I didn't need to prove anything. The greatest emotional characteristic of the alcoholic is fear and they are always suspecting and on edge...jumpy and defensive. I learned to ask myself the question "what do I want to do with this"? and since I had to admit I was powerless I would only ask, "Do you need my help"? When I asked like that my wife knew I knew and would decided how to answer the question. I would already taken on a "whatever" position and continued to apply compassion and empathy while going on about my own business. When I expect lies and then get them I don't get upset. She didn't always lie. ((((hugs))))
In AlAnon, I found a set of principles that bring peace and serenity without fail when I apply them. AlAnon is also a continuing lesson in humility as I learn how ineffective my tactics where, and how unhealthy my opinions were of the alcoholic and many others in my life.
My focus was on the endless task of proving where and how the alcoholic and others were "wrong". It was puzzling, however, as the satisfaction I felt from being the smart one in the room and pointing out inconsistencies and wrongs, never outpaced the agitation, frustration, and anger that my focus on others left me with.
AlAnon readings, meetings, and fellowship pointed me to the answer. Courage to Change topic 'Blame', particularly recommended pages 128, 189, 254, 280, 341, 365, have some pointed guidance on this topic, and I came to realize that in fact, I was the "stupid" one. The need to focus and point out the perceived faults of others, particularly someone with the disease, pointed to my own sickness.
In Alanon, I learned I had a choice: accept that I am powerless over others, walk a healthier path, and find serenity, or continue to focus on others and suffer. I am very grateful for the guidance and tools that made it possible to work the former. Take what you like and leave the rest
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
This used to drive me crazy as my A used to lie about everything, even the stupidest things. I have confronted him too about throwing up in the bathroom. Every time it was a lie. So I guess you should think before you ask him. If you think it is going to be a lie why even bother asking him the question as it is only going to frustrate you if he lies. I can very much relate to this post. I used to ask and get pissed off when he gave me an answer that I knew was a lie. Once I stopped asking him questions it helped restore a little sanity to my home.
