The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father is an alcoholic. I have known this for a long time and it was never more real than two years ago when he was hospitalized. Diagnosed with cirrhosis and varicies were causing nearly fatal GI bleeds. He had to have the TIPS procedure to reduce the portal hypertension. He spent four weeks in the hospital and then three weeks in rehab. It was a long road to get back to a somewhat normal state.
The problem is that I don't know if he truly quit drinking. He swears he did, but let's face it, alcoholics tend to swear they aren't drinking. After his diagnosis he has never had a drink around us, but he tended to hide the bad drinking even before that, so we never really know. He suffers from some hepatic encephalopathy, so we don't know if mood changes are from that or if he might have been drinking.
This has been so incredibly hard on me. I grew up believing I had amazing parents and a great childhood. Now, as happy, successful adult, I realize how much his drinking has affected my adulthood (I don't have any bad memories associated with his drinking until adulthood--my early 20's). I have sought a therapist and she has helped, but I'm still working on "letting go." I want so desperately to say or do something that will help him. That will get him to stop spending the day just watching TV. I want him to get some exercise and take nutrition seriously. I know he is depressed and I want him to see a therapist, preferrably one that specializes in addiction. However, I can't control this. I can't change him. I can't make him do anything and I have to accept that this is who he is and learn to live with that person for the time he has left (which, for all we know could be a long time).
Those of you who have been able to do what I'm trying to do, it would be great to hear your stories.
Welcome Miller to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. My mother is slowly drinking herself to death. Her father (my g-father) was an alcoholic. All I know is that when the kids grew up and left the home, he began daily drinking and spiraled down from there. Back to my mother, she has done the same pattern - began daily drinking after we left and they retired and is slowly spiraling down. She is in heart failure and has a pace-maker so far. She's not active at all, tires easy, lacks oxygen and chooses to not work to regain a healthier life.
I am so grateful that I found Al-Anon before we realized all that was happening with her. She's a hide/seek drinker - hides bottles all over the house, hides her drinks in to-go cups with lids & straws and thinks we don't know. The program has given me the wisdom to know I can't do anything about it. I can be of service to my father, I can be kind and loving to her. I can call weekly and can love her in spite of her disease. I've come to accept that if this is how she wants to live or die, I can't do a darn thing about it but pray and be of service for my father.
I am not harsh, I never lecture and I don't judge. I am trying really, really hard to break the cycle. 30+ years ago, I went sideways for a while in my life with alcoholism/addiction. I am a double-winner, and belong to both AA and Al-Anon. When I was active, they practiced tough love. They were hyper-critical, dismissive and they disowned me. When I asked for help, they told me to figure it out. Many around me thought they were cruel - I was indifferent. What I know now is they were who they were, and because of that and a divine intervention, I got sober. But as we all try to do, I learned from that.
I don't want to be mean, dismissive, judgmental or harsh. I want to be the best daughter I can be - not for them, but for me. Again, my thinking is directly related to joining Al-Anon and working the program. So - the best way to be of service in my experience is to work on you, your own recovery from how the disease has affected you. Go to a few Al-Anon meetings, and see if it helps. You will quickly find that you are not alone and there is help and hope!
Keep coming back here too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Miller, I can understand your confusion and anxiety. Accepting that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which I was powerless, enabled me to turn the focus on myself and learn new constructive tools to live by.
Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, and develop new supportive network of people who understood as few as can.
Thank you for sharing. I am beginning to realize there is nothing that I can do, and just being around and not being judgmental or unkind is the best I can do. I can work to be the best daughter to both of them, especially my mother, because she bears the burden of doctor appointments and seeing how he's doing on a daily basis.
It is hard to see the change in our family as I look back. We were very close growing up and even through my early 20's. When I had my own child and realized how bad his drinking had gotten, I became very angry and resentful. I've held onto a lot of that, even after his hospitalization and recovery. I am having a hard time accepting who he is instead of wishing he were something he isn't and probably does not want to be. In my head I compare him to my father in law, or my friends' fathers, but I know in my hear that is unfair. I am just doing the best I can to work through this because the anxiety thinking about his alcoholism (wondering if he is drinking or not) and health is nearly insufferable.
