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As some of you know from my thread last Friday it hasnt been an easy week. Finally heard from the abf who states he is "very sorry for the things he said and did" Then proceeds to say "he is confused about what to do about our relationship. That its obvious we both arent getting what we want" All along my only issue with him has been his drinking (he knows this) and his issue with me is that after 4yrs a couple should be moving forward and living together (again, I have clearly stated many times why I will not live there with my 14yr old daughter). So now he is somehow twisting this situation around not bringing up his drinking, just that we have a "moving in" issue that he doesnt know how to handle. This is really the insanity of the alcoholic mindset? wow. And I of course am having anxiety like I did something wrong.
It sounds like he is setting the stage for another bender Because you won't move in with him! Be clear about what u want your life to look like, straight forward and uncomplicated. When u talk to him "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" The guy is in denial..... Please be peaceful for your daughters sake, she might not be near to hear, but children sense more than you think.
LinSC points to denial. I realize it's hard to digest this, but until an alcoholic hits bottom, they will NOT SEE their drinking as an issue, let alone 'the issue'. Just because you say it is so does not mean that he sees it that way or even partially agrees with it. To an alcoholic, it's just another day with booze/partying/fun. Until they hit bottom and feel consequences for their life choices, there is nothing to admit to (denial). Expecting an alcoholic to choose you over the booze is setting you up for disappointments and resentments. He's just asking you to change your address (in his mind) while you are asking him to change his life.
More than likely, without a recovery program, he is going to drink and continue drinking. The question for you is what are you going to do? We find in Al-Anon that we are often as obsessed with them as they are with the substance. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Choose you - do something for you - just for today, let it all go and take a break! You owe yourself that break!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I reached the point where I was finished discussing and investigating the causes of our failures to reach a solution. I inventoried those thoughts feelings and behaviors which I was doing to make my situation right and I was bringing these up with my sponsor and the fellowship and my HP and continued to do what the program suggested and then when I was done I was done and it just enabled her to continue drinking and using. When I was done....I was done and no is a complete sentence. One of the biggest problems I have was that my "chooser" was broke...I needed to learn how to make good choices and attach myself to my Higher Power. It worked when I worked it. ((((hugs))))
I think the Experience strength and hope you received above are pretty spot on. Yes you said it best that is the insanity of the disease of alcoholism. Everything gets twisted, denial is very powerful and those active in the disease can be very demanding and self centred. You cannot reason with alcoholism, there is no compromise with the disease. In my own experience my AH will not change for anything or anyone. He will not see what he doesn't want to see. You have set some very clear, reasonable, rational boundaries and held to them. I really respect that. Anyone who knew the extent of his drinking and that he has been verbally and physically abusive to you would completely understand why you don't want to move in. Having a daughter to protect is even MORE of a reason to be careful.
He can twist the truth around to suit him all he wants but it doesn't change the facts of the matter at hand. I agree with Iamhere choose you and do something for you!
I am starting to see one of the AlAnon steps more clearly.. Stop thinking of what HE is thinking and doing. I am trying to rationlize his behavior, spending time thinking of all the what ifs and what he is doing now. Thinking oh hes prob glad to have me off his back. I am
t-i-r-e-d of it. I want to think about ME. I am not a selfish person, far from it. But this time around I am getting mad. This is HIS problem. I DO NOT have to sit around worried and concerned and hoping that his "potential" to change will happen. It may never. I must learn to find my own things to do! Since I started dating him I have let everything I use to do fall to the side. Just the fact that despite the horrible last Friday events he still cannot say ("i love you, I am going to AA) which a 2yr recovery friend has said he will even go with him. I just wonder if my HP is telling me something. I know HE loves my ABF too, but maybe he needs to deal with him separate from me.
I don't have the time in recovery that many here do, but I did have a long relationship with a very heavy drinker. I was in my early 40s, had been divorced for 10 years and really felt the need to be married again. My daughter was 14. I didn't want to live together without being married, and he lived with his mother (red flag). I worked out of my house, and he worked nights, so we spent time together during the day while my daughter was at school. I was isolated and relied way too heavily on him and my fantasy of what being married would bring. He had issues with my adolescent daughter's behavior and never articulated them.
I had issues with his drinking but talked myself out of them. Something about my al-anon-ness requires that I collect I opinions and wait for others to see what I want them to. I spent so much time wanting him to realize how his actions were affecting me. I couldn't get perspective on the fact that I already knew how they were affecting me, so it didn't matter if he did. What would his knowing do? I'm the one responsible for myself and my daughter's well being. I had all the information I needed, and I just couldn't act on it. I spent so much time crying, wishing things were different.
God sent me a migraine that lasted two months. Suddenly, the daytime visits were more platonic, and it brought reality into focus. Things came to a head when he did not like the way I dealt with my daughter's behavior in a restaurant. He disappeared for a few days, then called to yell at me, told me I was f-ing blind about her. We were seeing a counselor and met there. He told the counselor my daughter was severely emotionally disturbed. I had put up with a lot from him, but turning on my child was what it took for me to see this was not the relationship for me.
He spent months trying to get back with me. Dramatic voice messages about ambulance rides, letters alternately loving and hate-filled. After he wrote a letter designed to cause maximum hurt, I began walking straight from the mailbox to the dumpster. Never read another letter from him. He even called me a couple years later (caller ID = voicemail = new phone number finally) and I found out through friends it was right before he got married.
I worked on better boundaries with my daughter. We've come a long way since then, and I'm so grateful for that headache and the fact that a certain restaurant in my hometown doesn't serve hamburgers. Someday, I know I will want to protect and care for myself like I wanted to protect my child.
Any decision brings its own set of implications or consequences. I hope you enjoy your weekend and find some peace. Your sharing is helping me to process and heal, also. Thank you.
Active alcoholics don't have mature and reciprocal loving relationships. They consciously and unconsciously play head games, gaslight you, and take you hostage. When I was actively drinking, I threw fits wanting my romantic partners to move in with me regardless of how they felt...ready or not. I had no concept that it was sick as hell to not let that decision come from a place of love, freedom of choice, and maturity as opposed to neediness, demandingness and forcing my will on others. Sounds like you are wising up to the alcoholic mindset and detaching from the merry go round.
mcat.. funny... I have been having severe migraines too. They say to watch your bodies "signs". And I have never felt this much anger and anxiety and stress with anyone before. (the whole 4yrs) We are 45 and act 10 due to this disease and the madness its creates. I never wanted to be in this position and now I am. Red flags were everywhere in the beginning. But I wasn't as emotional involved then. Anyway, someone pointed out other day that they werent really staying with A for any other reasons then fear of being alone or fear of never meeting anyone, fear of starting over fear of knowing he met someone else who doesnt mind his drinking! so dumb. see.. tired of thinking of him. He isnt worried he needs real help at all (yet, He has never hit rock bottom) anyway blah blah just need to write all this. Therapy.. lol
I understand the choice between the familiar, however unpleasant it may be, and the risk of striking off in a new direction. I was numb and took some time to heal and regain my equilibrium. Found myself a much nicer person, who it turns out is also a much nicer A. Married him. I used to fear being alone. Now I crave time alone. Using program tools to take care of myself and find ways to get what I need.
I am in catch up mode here, and have not read your thread from last week yet. However, your words ring all to 'familiar' to me.
My exAH of 20 years? When I told him I was leaving the marriage because I could not live with his drinking anymore, he said I was using it as a 'convenient excuse' to divorce. My exBF that I just broke up with in April? When I expressed my concerns about his substances, he hardly touched on those concerns (other than over justifying and excuses), and instead, he deflected to things he saw 'wrong' with ME. Denial denial denial. This behavior of your BF will NOT change. It will take years of sobriety and a program for him to 'come to'. Meanwhile, what happens to YOU?
The migraines... well... for me, it was a 'mild heart attack' and a few weeks of extreme panic attacks that served as my wake up call that I was living a path that was AGAINST the path of my inner, true being. Migraines, heart attacks, illness, accidents, anxiety, depression - these are all physical manifestations- WARNINGS from our higher selves that we are walking the wrong path. Because we are NOT meant to live feeling 'bad' or in resistance to the beauty of life. Life is meant to be beautiful, joyous, happy, fulfilled, with hope, love, promise of human connection in a healthy and mutual loving manner. No worrying about how HE feels, what HE thinks, what HE is doing, not doing, will do or will never do. None of this matters, because HE is not responsible for the quality of YOUR life. YOU are. You get to decide now, this is your crossroads. Do you choose Aerin? Or do you choose pain, illness, emptiness and a constant battle against a disease which has NO winners?
The only way we 'win' against this disease, in my opinion, is to choose recovery. Like others have said, 'yes, he is an alcoholic. But what are YOU going to do?' Send him love and light from the beautiful heart you have and let his HP take over from here.
There is a saying, Let Go Or Be Dragged. This is not up to him. How do YOU feel. How do you WANT to feel? Decide what matters most to you and then do that. Many many people choose to stay with spouses, they work a solid program that gives them the ability to live with the A in harmony. You are not committed to this man, other than time invested. This is not to minimize your feelings for him - they are real and they are true. But at what cost to your own well being?
Take good care of you. You're worth it. His HP will take care of him just fine. <3
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
