The material presented
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I just overheard my husband talking to someone about me. It is a conversation that I should not have heard but I am pleased that I did. Now I know how AH represents me to others, how his mind works and how utterly hopeless it is to expect any change in that. I think that I just lost the last grain of respect and hope that I had for us. So whether this is my fault for hearing a particular word and listening for more or HP's way of saying that I'm ready for another layer of reality, my question to myself is what next for me considering I can not bear to call this person my husband any more.
(((milkwood))) - breathe, breathe and breathe again. I too heard this week from one son what the other thinks about me. Of course, they are worse than teen-age girls with their gossip, chaos and drama and will move heaven and earth to keep the focus off themselves. It was hard to hear and harder to not react to. A few slogans flew into my brain and I always consider those moments mini-miracles from HP - helped change my focus.
So - know that you are not alone. What others think of me is not my business. You are loved and treasured and I am grateful you are a part of my journey! (((huge hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your kindness Iamhere, I share your gratitude and finally shed a much needed tear. Just the one, but its a start!!!
I agree, what others think of me is not any of my business. But is it non-Alanon of me to add 'unless I am considering sharing my life with them'? I'm not sure if I can cope with being that dumb any longer.
In honesty, I don't feel true to myself staying married to someone who I struggle to trust and respect. I had hoped that the trust would grow, but it was a sickly weed anyway and has just been exposed to agent orange.
I've had a walk with the dog and listened to my meditation tape. My anger is subsiding (what was that all about? I've never understood anger at all but I guess it is just the ringing of bells.) I know that I can't share a bedroom with AH tonight, too humiliating. Intend to use my time to visualise 'what next? instead.'
(((milkwood))) - I don't add that term (unless I am considering sharing my life with them....) I guess because since I am married to him, that ship has sailed! So - my qualifiers being the man I chose and the 2 offspring I created....I tend to detach with love and look for my path/journey. I could divorce him, and I could disown them - that for me so far has been answered from my HP with a resounding NO! Don't think I've not considered it/thought about it/etc.
My point in the moment is what he says is not your truth. Others perceptions of me are based on their own lens, and it may or may not be realistic. I fully understand your hurt and hope you can process without taking it personally. I am a huge believer in criticizing others in any way/shape/form is more a reflection on whom is speaking vs. whom is being spoken of. I've always heard that when I am to make a change, it will become obvious to me.
Go with your HP leading - and yes....more will be revealed! We're with you girl.....glad your fur-baby got you out of the house!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Now I'm being told that I heard wrong. I thought I had walked past that gaslight but the other party to the conversation is backing AH up. I try so hard to double check my thinking but they tell me I am wrong. I'm going nuts. Once again my reality counts for nothing.
(((Hugs))) - sending you positive thoughts girl....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mikkwood, I always find your esh here to be kind and thoughtful. I'm sorry about the crazy making of others going on around you, it really hollows one out! Hang in there, you know what you heard and have a right to be treated kindly and with respect. ({(Mikkwood)))
Milkwood this reminds me of a question my sponsor put to me after one of our lesson similar to what you have been thru. I was angered by what I "thought" was being said and thought about me and I wouldn't (not couldn't) let it go and it was driving me mad until...My sponsor asked me plainly "Could you be wrong"? and he left me with the responsibility of answering the question...guess what I came up with? Being a mighty fighter it was damned hard to put down the sword and say, "I am not enough for this battle". God laughed and I've lived. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
I can no longer trust, believe or rely on the things my alcoholic friend / lover says to me - without those three requirements for a healthy relationship what is left???
I just overheard my husband talking to someone about me. It is a conversation that I should not have heard but I am pleased that I did. Now I know how AH represents me to others, how his mind works and how utterly hopeless it is to expect any change in that. I think that I just lost the last grain of respect and hope that I had for us. So whether this is my fault for hearing a particular word and listening for more or HP's way of saying that I'm ready for another layer of reality, my question to myself is what next for me considering I can not bear to call this person my husband any more.
And Breath...
I feel so bad for you. What a blow to an ego. And especially from your husband. It's easy to shrug off it words like that come from a "friend" or family member but a spouse cuts to the core.
If it helps to let you know you aren't alone I can no longer trust, believe or rely on my alcoholic friend / lover ....without those things in a relationship what is left??? Nothing.....and that makes me very sad
I've been dwelling today on the things in life that I can rely on. Last night I was gasping for air but then I thought about my own reality rather than the one that others were trying to impose on me and I felt calm. I fell asleep in a matter of minutes after that. I agree, relationships without trust, belief and reliability are quite different to ones that are lucky enough to have those elements in place most of the time. None of us are perfect all the time!
I've been dwelling today on the things in life that I can rely on. Last night I was gasping for air but then I thought about my own reality rather than the one that others were trying to impose on me and I felt calm. I fell asleep in a matter of minutes after that. I agree, relationships without trust, belief and reliability are quite different to ones that are lucky enough to have those elements in place most of the time. None of us are perfect all the time!
I've come to believe in the past couple months that only one I can rely on is me.....and hopefully my family and friends.....but I'm even leary in believing that any of them are reliable thanks to the disheartening reality I have faced with my alcoholic lover after believing everything he told me.... I know I'm not perfect....none of us are....but I am reliable and honest....two characteristics I take pride in
jojo - I realized in the program that I have many good traits/values. However, where I went sideways in my distorted view of reality - I assumed the things I value were of equal importance to others. I too am reliable and honest. However, others I love dearly are less reliable and at times, dishonest. They might instead value patience and tolerance. I can readily admit - patience and tolerance for me are force often.
It took me time in recovery to see that others get to live their life in a manner they choose whether I agree with what they value or not. My expectations of assuming we all value the same things was not accurate and my looking for validation in others was unrealistic. I do not expect any more from my AH than I would another person - that for me set's me up for resentment and disappointment. Just because we live together and have for 25 years does not make him an expert in my needs/wants - he only sees what I've disclosed and shared for that time. And, just because I want what I want does not mean it's his job to deliver.
In this program, I've become more self-aware and self-accepting. That opened the door for me to realize I expected more of me at times than of others, and the same in reverse. Working to accept everything and everyone, exactly as it is, faults and imperfect, really helped me be less anxious - which gave me peaceful moments.
It is a process. The program helps us understand that we always have choices. Each moment of the day, we have choices. Seeing that and knowing we are capable of making choices helps give us our strength and sanity back. We learn to accept and move forward instead of anticipate and react. Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jojo, thanks for the reminder about doing an asset list - it always helps me to look at the things that I like about myself when I'm in the dumps. That feeling of learning to trust myself felt so liberating for me - I actually stood on the ground and felt my feet beneath me and took a moment of pride in recognising that I was standing on my own two feet!! I thought I had been doing it for years, but often I was standing on the toes of others me-thinks!
IAH - Remembering that others are as autonomous as I am has served me well - and I like the fact that everyone has different opinions and points of view. I love that we ALL have free will, I really value that. I need to learn more about mind-reading though - or lack there of - how come others don't know know what I'm really thinking??!!! Oh! probably I forgot to mention it, or perhaps my actions weren't really being as honest as my thoughts. Dang!!
My day has been steeped in rest and programme - much needed learning here on my hillside!
And Breath...
