The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My alcoholic lover text me this afternoon that he "needs me to stay away from him physically because he is getting ready to detox soon. But he wants to stay in touch with me daily to let me know how he is doing and where he is at". Well guess what ???....THAT doesn't work for me!!! WHY is it ALWAYS about them???? I swear to God an alcoholic is the most selfish, self-centered, lying person I have ever met in my life! And WHY do we continue to stay in these relationships and worry about them???? Don't we deserve better treatment and a two-sided thoughtful relationship instead of all this one-sidedness???? UGH!!!
You have the choice to see his message any way you want to. What Al-Anon has given to me is the power of choice. You can choose to set a boundary based on your wants/needs. You can choose to ask him to contact you more/less often. You can choose to block him from your phone. There is no doubt that alcoholics are selfish. That's been considered one of many defects with the disease. What we learn in Al-Anon is so are we. We want what we want when we want it - just as they do. We want 'normal' which nobody has ever been able to define. We have expectations that may/may not be realistic.
Someone told me early on in an Al-Anon meeting that we teach others how to treat us. It did not sit well with me and it kind of made me mad. I didn't agree with it, but I did listen to it. After some time in the program, I realized how true this is. My best suggestion is for you to go to some Al-Anon meetings, and start to understand more about recovery - not his but your own. It's very difficult to see/understand how distorted our views are when we've endured this disease for a while. If he's going to try and work on himself, seems like a great time for you to do the same.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi jojo I do hear you and understand your concern and frustration. The disease of alcoholism is a terrible disease and WHEN i asked"why " I was reminded that I too needed to not react but remember that I was interacting with the disease over which I was powerless.
I also needed to own the fact that I shared many of the negative characteristics that upset me when I was confronted with them in my partner. Al-Anon taught me to keep the focus on myself, stay in the moment and in the day, of an Al-Anon tool such as the literature and learn how to take responsible choices for myself.
My own experiences with Alanon, in retrospect, were that it was in reality, a type of "exit counselling". There is an online marriage counsellor that has written that "The (misapplied) Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages".
I had hoped that Alanon would improve my relationship with my husband, not distract from it.
Very few of us fit into the same mold, addiction or not, life is not stagnant, but ever evolving. All of us.
Habit? Fear? Love as we understand it? All these things have been true for me. My partner has not found recovery, he is still dancing with his addiction. A dance I know all too well from personal experience. But after a year into this programme this time around, I hit an acceptance of who he is versus who I wished he could be and a more realistic view of things in general. I speak only for myself here of course. Nor do we live together. I honestly don't think I could stand to live together full time again though I sometimes daydream about it. I'm such a Shirley Temple optimist five year old at times when it comes to men, though learning to live in reality.
Anyway, I hear your frustration.
Keep coming back.
Abba.....sorry to hear of your pain. For me, my marriage is wrapped in the vines of addiction. It's infested with it actually as is my family of origin on both sides. Its addiction which kills relationships not 12 step programmes.
I agree Abba that we are all different and experience life as growing human beings. I must say that I do believe that by using alanon principles, learning to focus on myself, rebuild my self esteem and self worth, while staying detached, my marriage was saved and grew stronger. I was changed and no longer reacted as before understood my self worth learned to take care of myself and thank goodness for that . He maintained sobriety for 6 years and we reconnected as never before and then he came down with terminal cancer --I was able to be there ina healthy, supportive, compassionate manner-- Without alanon I would have fallen apart.
I too found that by using the Al-Anon program, steps and principles, I was able to stay in my marriage and find peace and joy. It's not perfect, but no relationship is. In my home group, there are actually more that have stayed in their marriage vs. departed. There are so many factors when one evaluates their life, their program and their needs and we all are different.
Staying or leaving is personal and since each situation is different, I support Al-Anon's principle of not giving advice. What works for me might seem insane or impossible for another.
Accepting how powerless I am, taking my own inventory and working on me has given me a new outlook and attitude towards those in my life/family as well as all situations in my reality. I have more compassion, more understanding of how very different we all are. I've learned to respect and celebrate the differences in others where before, I tried passionately at times and passively at others to conform others to my view of right/wrong. I no longer waist my time/energy on trying to change others - just work on changing me! That gave me enough peace/joy to let go and let God!
I too no longer ask myself Why about others. It takes me down a path of distorted thinking as I really never know another's mental process or thinking. Even if I think I have it figured out, I've been surprised and blessed over and over again to realize my slant on their thinking was way, way off track.
Hope and help is always available in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Can someone please explain to me how to reply to just one individuals response instead of posting a whole new reply in it's own separate box? Thank you.
My own experiences with Alanon, in retrospect, were that it was in reality, a type of "exit counselling". There is an online marriage counsellor that has written that "The (misapplied) Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages".
I had hoped that Alanon would improve my relationship with my husband, not distract from it.
Very few of us fit into the same mold, addiction or not, life is not stagnant, but ever evolving. All of us.
Abba - if you were able to use Al-Anon to exit out of an unhealthy relationship I am happy for you! I hope and pray everyday that I can find a way to walk away from my alcoholic lover and just let him waddle in his own misery but everyday I find myself calling or texting him. I'll make it 24 hours without initiating any contact and then BAM I'm right back there taking actions and behavior that are so unbecoming of me and my personality. I'm a LEO for gawd's sake! I'm not supposed to tolerate this kind of b.s!!!!
I just want to personally thank each and everyone of you for replying to my posts. Your words and wisdom are truly helping me to deal better with my emotions and anxiety that loving an alcoholic has caused me in my life.
Can someone please explain to me how to reply to just one individuals response instead of posting a whole new reply in it's own separate box? Thank you.
jojo - if you are reading a response, and want to reply to it here, hit the quote button at the right hand upper portion of the response.
If instead you want to contact someone privately instead of in the discussion thread, click on the person's name to the left where it shows who wrote the post, and when you click through you will see their profile. There is the option to Send Message to them privately.
Does that help? If that's not what you needed, ask again and we'll try again!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Can someone please explain to me how to reply to just one individuals response instead of posting a whole new reply in it's own separate box? Thank you.
jojo - if you are reading a response, and want to reply to it here, hit the quote button at the right hand upper portion of the response.
If instead you want to contact someone privately instead of in the discussion thread, click on the person's name to the left where it shows who wrote the post, and when you click through you will see their profile. There is the option to Send Message to them privately.
Does that help? If that's not what you needed, ask again and we'll try again!
thank you. That is what I have been doing - clicking on the QUOTE box but it opens a whole new box at the bottom instead of just typing my response in the box they started. And yes that is what I was referring too - not personally messaging anyone
Yes.....you can't post into another's post but if you quote them, we all know (or might know) that your response is to them/their post!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
