The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. I am codependant. He has in the past gotten so deep into his alcoholism that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive, and even a few times physically abusive. This is of course not to say that I haven't gotten equally abusive when in a horrible argument to defend myself... But after last night truly discovering the full extent of his ability to lie to me about anything alcohol related (In February he promised to quit) and finally hearing from him that he lies to get me off his back and not care anymore; I am ready to give up and walk away. I want to give him time to get back on the wagon (if he was ever truly on it...), but if it means living with his blame and disassociation with reality, I'm not sure I can. Of course I have hope for a sober husband. This is the man I love, and the one that I am so proud to see when he allows himself to make an appearance. But that man is covered in a fog most days now. I have no control. I know I cant control it. But the love I have is fading away, as is the hope of a better tomorrow.
Welcome to MIP Ijusttrytobe - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am truly sorry for how the disease has affected your life. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease which is never cured, only arrested through quitting and/or recovery. It is considered a family disease as it reaches beyond the alcoholic and affects almost all other family members.
I remember being numb. I remember not knowing what to do, where to go, and my mind was in shambles - always focused on the past or projecting into the future. I was able to find support in Al-Anon which was so welcome. I then learned more about the disease and how it affects us, and began to embrace recovery through the program.
I am in a much better place than I ever expected to be. I urge you to learn what you can here and other resources and find local meetings and attend a few. It helps to break the isolation often caused by this disease, and it's so nice to be with others who understand.
Please keep coming back - you are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome IJTTB I hear you and so understand. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are all powerless. Denial,pretend and self seeking are all symptoms of the illness and many times because we live with the insanity we too develop these patterns.
Emotional and physical abuse are never acceptable and so I would like to suggest that you try to reach out to alanon face to face meetings and attend. Here I received new constructive tools to live by and a support network to pratice with
It is good that you have stopped in and I hope and pray you keep coming back often. It is as valuable to help the family, friends and associates of the sick alcoholic as it is to help the alcoholic themselves. This is a family disease. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and is thousand of years old. It cannot be cured...only arrested by total abstinence and since you didn't cause it, cannot cure or control it; it is okay to let go and let God and come out and join us who have been rescued from its fatal grip. Yes alcoholism can be and often is fatal if left to run it course and that doesn't mean only to the alcoholic.
There is so much to listen to and learn. I have been in recovery for 37years. I was born and raised in the disease; it is what I did duplicating sick days over and over until I was taught better.
It is okay to give up...and then go to a meeting and then give up again when the disease starts to kick your butt and wanting you to fight again. Don't fight it...follow up in the program and learn what serenity means and feels like one day at a time.
Prayers for you and your husband, a sick child of God, human being with a fatal illness. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I hear you. This disease is a disease of attitudes and difficult to deal with. Denial is huge with an addict/alcoholic and ours can be equally so. Getting in touch with what we can and can't live with is an ongoing process, at least it has been for me. Just when I think I can't take it anymore I find myself paralysed to do anything or that's how it feels when I forget I have choices. Get to meetings if you can, talk it over with a sponsor. Everyone here and in Alanon supports whatever decisions we make, with no judgment.
This seems to be a theme for me of late. I am in a place where I know this way of living cannot continue for me. I have over a year of Al-Anon and some days I feel like I am progressing and things are getting better and then there are days I feel very trapped and helpless. On those days (like today) I try and hand my heart and my head over to the God of my understanding and pray that His will be done. I cannot see my way out of the mire, but He can see so much more than me.
Yesterday's reading in the Courage to Change said "There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens , the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting." It refers to going to meetings. Showing up and trusting the steps will reveal themselves as needed.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thank you everyone. It's really nice to be able to hear everybody's words of wisdom and guidance here and support. I'm doing my best to try to let go and let God help heal my family...it is difficult most days and today I definitely am feeling a little more sad than usual. But I definitely will be coming back here because it was nice to feel like I had somewhere to go to talk about things.
We all have good days and 'other days'. I no longer call them bad - mostly to keep my own mind open to moments instead of days. Now, I consider the whole day when I go to bed, and realize even on my sad/other days, I had good moments.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome! So glad you have found us :) I can so relate to what you are saying...my situation is similar, except no physical abuse, only mental and emotional garbage :( and my AH lives in his world of lies and believe them to be reality. We have 3 teenagers, so I try to deal with life one day at a time, but the resentment I feel and the anger welling up is getting to be a problem for me. I'm just not sure how much longer I can deal with it. I want to be married to someone who wants to be married to me, not to a bottle. Anyway, too much about me...Al Anon is a great first step to getting better and this board is full of great wisdom :)
Thank you. I do feel that way a lot. I know this is a disease, but its hard to not be angry and take it personally when your AH chooses what seems to be his true love alcohol, over me his wife who he claims to be the love of his life. Sigh... Its tough. I see the amazing person he can be when he has abstained for a while, and I am joyful and hopeful that maybe this time he can stick with it. I try to be positive and supportive, but try not to overdo it; he doesn't like feeling like I'm constantly watching him either, despite his self proclaimed need for my support.
Yesterday he asked me if when we fly back to our home state to visit friends and family if I wanted him to just stay there. He wasn't angry when he asked, just calm and open. I was a little taken aback, as usually he would be more passive aggressive, generally huffing under his breath something that is hurtful or an exaggeration on what he assumes I am thinking or doing. I told him I wasn't looking for a way out. I said that I am still on board if he is for us to get better. I just wanted to feel/see him doing something about it to try/do. It ended as expected...my faith slightly renewed; yet knowing not to hold my breath for too long.
I know exactly where you are coming from my husband is an addict, we have been together for 26 years. He hasn't had a job in about 5 years. He went to school for 2 years to learn a new trade and just graduated in June. He is going through a disability program to help him get a job within his disability, they paid for him to go back to school and are now trying to help him find a job. He just isn't putting forth effort to help himself. For me it is emotionally draining. I am the only one working and have been for 5 years, while he was in school he got a check to help but, now that school is over it is time to find a job. He just recently got out of mental health facility that our counselor wanted him to go to because he wanted to kill himself.. He was doing better when he first got out but, he seems to be gong back to the same old ways. While in the mental health facility they put him on a pill to help him sleep, well I keep our medicines locked up and forgot the key one day and of course six of those pills are missing which he swears he didn't take, apparently they just disappeared on their own. We had an appointment with a new nurse practitioner and we discussed this medicine and he asked him how he was sleeping with out it he said fine so, we agreed to fill the prescription but only take if he absolutely needed it. As soon as I picked up the medicine of course he said he needed it, I said you been doing good with out it. He told me he is sick of me controlling his life and I told him I am sick of his addiction controlling mine. He apologized but, that doesn't mean a whole lot anymore cause he is always sorry but, nothing ever changes. Needless to say we didn't speak after that and it is 9:33 am and he is still sleeping. He does that a lot.
Welcome to MIP Sheila - glad yo found us and glad that you joined in! Keep coming back - learn more about our path to recovery and Al-Anon and ask questions as you want. You are not alone and we're all usually just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for sharing your story with me unfortunately I just had another instance of feeling like I need to move on. The irrational stuff that my husband gets mad at me over is driving me crazy. We're going on vacation next week but I am headed home early so that I can visit my grandmother who has early signs of Alzheimer's. I told him that that's what I was going to do and somehow he got under the impression that I was going all weekend but it's only one day. Tonight we got into an argument because he says he feels I deceived him about my plans because I'm only going for one day and making plans with friends all the extra days that I'm there. I don't understand where this insecurity comes from. I don't understand why he all of a sudden throws a fit about it when it was on the calendar all along. He got upset with me because he said that he was feeling badly for not paying for my ticket when I had to pay for it. Basically because he feels badly about not being able to pay for it and he was worrying about it I should suddenly feel guilty about that? I don't understand his logic. We got into it and he left right after my mother called in the middle of it and I answer the phone because I didn't want to talk to him anymore and I screamed at him until he left. The whole time he's telling me that he's leaving because he wants to and not because I tell him. The whole thing is so messed up. I don't even know how I got here in my life.
My husband is an alcoholic. I am codependant. He has in the past gotten so deep into his alcoholism that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive, and even a few times physically abusive. This is of course not to say that I haven't gotten equally abusive when in a horrible argument to defend myself... But after last night truly discovering the full extent of his ability to lie to me about anything alcohol related (In February he promised to quit) and finally hearing from him that he lies to get me off his back and not care anymore; I am ready to give up and walk away. I want to give him time to get back on the wagon (if he was ever truly on it...), but if it means living with his blame and disassociation with reality, I'm not sure I can. Of course I have hope for a sober husband. This is the man I love, and the one that I am so proud to see when he allows himself to make an appearance. But that man is covered in a fog most days now. I have no control. I know I cant control it. But the love I have is fading away, as is the hope of a better tomorrow.
I feel your pain and am going through this right now as well although minus the physical abuse. When I know my husband is actively drinking I try to detach from him and not engage in any arguments (or conversation) for that matter. The trouble is, I get so frustrated and anxious that I can't sleep and he's sleeping like a baby. I love him dearly and it's wrong to say but I love him so much more when he's not drinking but I'm so fearful that this love will fade to nothing if he doesn't get help. I'm open to all suggestions as well from anyone. May God help you and all of us through this life.
frcdj - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and joined right in! Read around, ask questions and know that we're all also affected by another's drinking/alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's very powerful. It's never cured - only controlled through recovery and refraining from use.
We encourage you to find and attend some local Al-Anon meetings. The program uses the same 12 Steps as AA, but we examine us, our contributions, our actions/reactions so we can heal from the affects of living with it or loving someone with it.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My husband is an alcoholic. I am codependant. He has in the past gotten so deep into his alcoholism that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive, and even a few times physically abusive. This is of course not to say that I haven't gotten equally abusive when in a horrible argument to defend myself... But after last night truly discovering the full extent of his ability to lie to me about anything alcohol related (In February he promised to quit) and finally hearing from him that he lies to get me off his back and not care anymore; I am ready to give up and walk away. I want to give him time to get back on the wagon (if he was ever truly on it...), but if it means living with his blame and disassociation with reality, I'm not sure I can. Of course I have hope for a sober husband. This is the man I love, and the one that I am so proud to see when he allows himself to make an appearance. But that man is covered in a fog most days now. I have no control. I know I cant control it. But the love I have is fading away, as is the hope of a better tomorrow. 
Its tough. I see the amazing person he can be when he has abstained for a while, and I am joyful and hopeful that maybe this time he can stick with it. I try to be positive and supportive, but try not to overdo it; he doesn't like feeling like I'm constantly watching him either, despite his self proclaimed need for my support. 
unfortunately I just had another instance of feeling like I need to move on. The irrational stuff that my husband gets mad at me over is driving me crazy. We're going on vacation next week but I am headed home early so that I can visit my grandmother who has early signs of Alzheimer's. I told him that that's what I was going to do and somehow he got under the impression that I was going all weekend but it's only one day. Tonight we got into an argument because he says he feels I deceived him about my plans because I'm only going for one day and making plans with friends all the extra days that I'm there. I don't understand where this insecurity comes from. I don't understand why he all of a sudden throws a fit about it when it was on the calendar all along. He got upset with me because he said that he was feeling badly for not paying for my ticket when I had to pay for it. Basically because he feels badly about not being able to pay for it and he was worrying about it I should suddenly feel guilty about that? I don't understand his logic. We got into it and he left right after my mother called in the middle of it and I answer the phone because I didn't want to talk to him anymore and I screamed at him until he left. The whole time he's telling me that he's leaving because he wants to and not because I tell him. The whole thing is so messed up. I don't even know how I got here in my life.