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Hi Everyone, I was in al anon for 10 years when I lived in New York and then I moved to Canada to a very small city and frankly the meetings had tons of cross talk and it did not feel safe for me. I have been in therapy and "white knuckling it" I am SO in need of RECOVERY!! My emotional recovery is in a bad space. I am in my 50s and my father is 85 and has liver disease (yes from drinking) My mother is 82 and they do not live near me approx 1.5 hour flight. My father was a very scary abusive drunk and I distanced myself from him for years and years. I had a son who is now 13 and my alcoholic father was very kind and generous to my son yet i had to keep SERIOUS boundaries with him. He would visit our home and start raging or blaming me for something and I had to consider limiting his visits. He seemed to get a bit "better" when he hit 79 and he went to therapy but NEVER program eg AA. Therapy does not work without AA in my humble opinion. In the past 7 years I have been living in a FANTASY thinking that his "disease" was cured and that he would die in peace and that we had healed something. in the past 3 months he has been horrible to me and participated in some very bizarre and aggressive behaviour towards me, like he used to do. I have PTSD and it kicked up all of my anxiety and fear after 15 years of feeling OKAY!!!
It is very confusing because my son is 13 and we have a visit planned for August and we are staying in a hotel and I can drop my son off. I CANNOT be around his rage now it is way too painful and harmful to me. I must care for him from afar. There is going to be NO CLOSURE when he dies and this is what it is the most confusing and painful for me. I am in so much GUILTY and FEAR right now and needing the steps and support.
If someone knows of a good ONLINE meeting please let me know. If you have a similar experience I need Experience strength and hope!
I recently separated from my husband but we are friends and I am asking him to work things out with me but this is another story. IN general my life is okay but my emotional sobriety is at serious risk. I need HP to help me!!
I need to fully LET GO AND LET GOD!!!
Thank you in advance for any support or experience.
I got closure from my parents death.
You certainly deserve support, feedback.and space around what you are doing
Having boundaries is hard work. Having a boundary around family is especially hard work.
Good for you.
Maresie
Charlotte, I am so sorry you are going through this. Others will be able to tell you about the online meetings on this site. I have experienced the telephone meetings available through AlAnon at http://al-anon.info/MeetingSearch/PhoneMeetings.aspx?language=EN and found them very good.
Thank you so much for the support! This is my first time on an Al Anon Board and I am going to try out the phone meetings. Do either of you know a "good" very Spiritual phone meeting that focuses on the Steps and Solutions? I did one 3 years ago and it kind of scared me - most of the people were talking about going to prison.
If you know of a day/time PHONE meeting kindly LMK. I have the list here.
I feel very grateful and will work on my BOUNDARIES and also trying to find a way to gain closure.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would wonder if dropping your son off with your drinking, abusive father is a good idea. That could be very traumatic for your son. There are online meetings here - there is a link up at the top of the posts. Please take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Heya Charlotte - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you reached out.....my first thought was stay in the present - August is a ways off so you can decide about that then. Just for today, focus on you, your peace, your HP and your program. Dust off any literature you have and bury yourself in recovery words, actions, etc.
The meetings here are really good - when they happen! The schedule is at the top left, and the morning ones used to be more consistent than the evening ones. I've not signed on for one for a few months just because summer is busy time for me. Right below the schedule is the link - you just click through, pick a nickname and hit enter - you've arrived. When it's not meeting time, it's a chat room. Again, attendance is spotty depending upon the day/time, but it's a world-wide way to connect with others seeking recovery.
I am so sorry that you have fears about your father's passing and unfinished emotional business. I recently was at a meeting and a gal who's been around Al-Anon for 30+ years had a similar parental situation. Her mother had passed first though and she's seriously avoided her father for years and years as he'd been a raging abusive alcoholic during her growing up years. She's a bit older and doesn't usually do a ton of driving, but came to a meeting about 3 weeks ago and said she had found her courage to drive herself to go and visit her father. He was 94 years old. He was declining and she felt she needed to be of service for a day/two if she could.
She did go, she did help a bit and she was able to forgive him completely - he did not ask for it. He was weak, grumpy and hateful but no longer had the energy to rage. She came back home on Sunday filled with peace in her heart and grateful to her HP that she'd made the trip and confronted her past with service in mind. He gave her a huge hug before she left which meant the world to her. She spoke of it on Monday - you could see her shining and grateful for the peace she had as she was able to let go. He passed on Tuesday and she's been filled with gratitude since because she was able to forgive and let go. She would be one that had said for years and years it would never be and he would pass without her forgiveness and reconciliation was not possible and ....
So - the program and God work in mysterious ways! Take care of you, trust HP and stay in the present - you got this! Keep coming back - there is always hope so I say!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Charlotte welcome to Miracles in Progress. You have received many great suggestions from other members and I would simply like to say that this is indeed a dreadful disease over which we are powerless.
Learning how to detach, and take care myself, while treating the person with dignity and respect was the best tool that I could muster while dealing with someone who is passing from this disease. Placing principles above personalities and treating everyone with courtesy and respect allowed me to respond to the negative behavior in a positive fashion. While you're visiting. I do hope you can find face-to-face meetings that can offer support.
Reading Al-Anon literature and coming here will help you. There is hope and help
Thanks so much Betty for the help! Everyone on here is so lovely. I have not been to a live al anon meeting in years as the meetings my city have tons of cross talk and it is very gossipy. it was NOT like this in new york and went for 10 years. I will look for a live meeting in my parents town.
Man, i was in denial about how SERIOUS my fathers drinking was for years! He was a high functioning drunk and now he is dying of serious liver disease - that is a great way to comet OUT OF DENIAL!
I had been detached from him and my mom for at least 15 years but the dying and a huge triggered brought me to my knees again. Frankly I thought that he had "changed" and he was kinder for me from 45-54 (I am 54) and very good to my son so I thought that there was healing but he back tracked in recent years and started up with rage and blame again but he does NOT drink anymore. he is just mentally ill and mean. He has had years and years of therapy that has done NOTHING.
So I must accept the disease and try to detach but very tricky when someone is sick.
I need HP to lead me and for now I am asked to have very minimal contact. we shall see the guidance.
Everything has been triggered in me and i need program so badly. All of the fear, anxiety, panic angry and deep sorrow is coming back. The sorrow of never having after who could love.
I am going into deep acceptance. I have other good parts of my life so i want to be able to heal from this
Hi Kristen thank you so much for the lovely support! I MISS AL ANON SO MUCH!! I went for 10 years from age 30-40 in new york and had great recovery and then moved to a small canaidan city and there are very few meetings and people cross talk and gossip so I just stopped going. I finally found this online forum and will try out MEETINGS!!
I truly pray for a miracle with my dad but my Emotional sobriety has taken a huge hit. Because he is on his way out it is much more stressful but for now HP is guiding me to have very minimal contact. I DO want to put principles above personalities but for the moment i just need to heal my broken heart. you see i was in DENIAL and my father stopped drinking at age 70 ( he is 85) now and he went to "therapy" so I thought that he was HEALED! He is now dying if LIVER disease and his behaviour has reverted back to the old sort of abuse. I have been re traumatized. He does NOT abuse my brother or my 13 year old son and it is me for some reason. I was in fantasy pink bubble land for 15 years and now I was slapped down by the disease and have to face that he has not recovered nor can my father love himself nor me.
I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and deep grief and hurt and I am working on this and asking HP to help me. I hope that i can feel strong enough to rise above and say a proper goodbye when the time comes. I know that forgiveness is necessary but I have to go through the steps and emotions to get there.
The open mindedness statement (If you keep and open mind you will find help) was a huge wake up call for me. I discovered that I didn't know what that was, what it meant or that I even did it so I went about program way learning. I shut off all disturbances and then listened deeply without the interference and one time during a visit to my Mom and Step-Dad while they were having one of their numberous blow ups I decided to run and upon reaching the front door of their house stopped to ask HP for guidance.
I said "I am going now and if you see that there is anything here that I can do...tell me now or I'm out of here"...then listened and what I heard was, "Well you are a therapist aren't you?" Yes I was and didn't consider my parents as patients...who could or who would?
I went first to my Step Father and asked for his attention and participation as directed and then to my mother laying in bed with a broken hip and did the same...they both agreed to listen without response and the session started and then was done and then I left. The raging and anger had always been nuclear and it was time to trust God.
The next night when I was leaving Mom's hospital room just before scheduled surgery my Step Father called me back in and then told me that he and my Mom had talked after I left the night before and agreed that they had never heard before what I told them from anyone or where else and that it was right and they were grateful.
First thing first was that I had to not fear their anger or cause it to make me leave. Another thing I learned that the reason my Step Father and Mother treated each other that way was because they actually loved each other...they knew that after the anger and shouting the other partner would still be there beside them and not gone.
They had to learn how to do it more quietly and they did. I know that sometimes I test my wife's love for me with what often times seems like unacceptable behavior I do the same ...we love each other. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
Hi Jerry your post made me CRY!! I feel so grateful!!! I am going to write on these boards and answer people each day to immerse back into PROGRAM!
I have been "white knuckling it" for too long. I used to receive direct guidance from HP but now it all feels so dark and blocked. I am going to pray to HEAR his/her VOICE clearly.
Like you i usually RUN and I i will ask HP If and when I should see my father. I Feel that I was thrown down a flight of stairs the last time we talked and I have to piece myself back together. I am not blaming rather observing.
My reality is that i am therapist as well and I have to be brutally honest (4th step) I have not property separated from my elder parents - i have 'expectations" and I still react as if I am a small child. I need to do some SERIOUS inner child work and healing before I can be a true adult around these people. I want to be believe that HP can guide me and that I can heal enough to be of some use.
We really never know why HP puts us in a situation and we MUSt be open. Thank you so much for reminding me of this. There is love and miracles everywhere IF we are open.
