I can relate very much. One thing is to.stop.beating yourself up. Whatever place your A is in they.can.find some income for themselves. I can well understand this dependency triad. Some people are expert manipulators. Those with.substance abuse issues are pretty much expert. I know for me I has a big fantasy of the way my relationship should.be. Surrendering to.what.it was is and is difficult. So much.if.what I.was resentful about.was not being willing to give up the fantasy. I recently left a situation where I lived with an alcoholic who was my landlord. When I.surrendered to the situation everything changed. I certainly talked about it. But I.started focusing on what I.would do. I set a lot of.boundaries down about what I would do. I survived some really tough times there. I barely had enough money to pay the rent sometimes. When I.was leaving the landlord put up.a huge fuss about needing to rent the room to someone else. Since I have left I have said nothing about anything. I have made no enquiries about how he is doing. Boundaries with.an alcoholic are very difficult. For many reasons they need to be very different than they are with anyone else. Life with any alcoholic can be an entanglement. Maresie

You described my life right before breaking up with my ex 8 years ago. He is the same from what I observe, but I'm sure not.

 

 

Aloha Gabi "Rock Bottom" resonates with me because I learned I could not sink down any further and the next direction was up if I was willing to take the suggestions of others and follow thru with program.  At rock bottom getting courageous was easier and I started making changes in my life that I had no more excuses not to.  I was at the "me part" of my recovery...God had God's part and the program had it's part' and still I had to go mine.  It got strange and shaky at first because my alcoholic/addict started to feel the anxiety of loosing control over another part of the disease.  The disease needs enablers, codependents and mindless supporters and I was all that until I just could not anymore. I stepped out and left her responsibilities to herself.  She went searching for another enabler who also quit the task.  I got hugely better and she continued to get high and drunk for another 5 years until she could no longer.  In the end I got what I wanted/needed...freedom from insanity and despair.   Stay on the bottom sister...work the program of recovery.   Prayers and hope sent your way.   ((((hugs))))

Rocky bottom is not a fun place

Hugs

(((((( gabigail ))))))

Thank you all for these encouraging words. Today I feel like the floor came out from under me, but in a way I've been here before. I think with my A sober, I was expecting all these changes...at times she was kinder to me. Now, it's as if she is drinking again: the manipulation, the guilt, the mind games- they're all there. Today was the game of turning words around and saying things/ conversations I know I never had but she's adamant about them. Last night was rough and she was having wicked nosebleeds. She asked for ice as she was afraid to go downstairs (for losing so much blood). I was in a dead sleep. So I did this and asked her if she needed anything else. She mumbled something that I couldn't quite make out, but I was still pretty much asleep. Her words today was to help her know everything would be alright. I didn't hear her, and I was still half asleep so I didn't answer. And I guess I fell back asleep. Throughout the night there was showing and at one point kicking me in bed, so I got up and went into the office. I went back in to check on her and she was sprawled out on the bed asleep. So I went into the spare bedroom. I was awake, and not happy that I was. I had to make space and then I finally fell asleep. She came in to wake me when all of my alarms started going off, so I think I fell asleep for 20 minutes at the most. I was agitated. I wasn't very pleasant to anyone this morning. And I'm tired of taking the back seat of taking care of myself.

So later, I apologized. I heard nothing back. I came home from work and she was cold and distant. She opened up saying that I said "I was done." (Which I say sometimes when I just can't take anymore). Then she said, "what do you want from me?" And I said to get out. And she asked Now and I said yes. Now, she said that I said this when she went to the bathroom and I was going into the spare bedroom. She was not up when I went in there because she was sprawled out, sound asleep. I told her we did not have this conversation and she insists we did and that "now that I'm not drinking, I remember everything." At that point I was wide awake, so I would have remembered. She said I slammed the bedroom door shut, which I know did not happen, because that would have woken up the dog, and then I would never get any sleep. She keeps changing when it happened, and that I said this right after the nose bleed, in the office or in the spare bedroom itself. Being that we haven't had one of these confusing conversations in a very long time, I know this never happened, but I'm starting to second guess myself. I kept asking her if she dreamt it or was having another hallucination and again she said she's thinking clearly.

I don't know what to make of it other than she's a dry drunk, trying her mind games on me, manipulating me in our strange codependent love triangle...anyway she said she's moving out tomorrow staying with a friend, and then finding a place on her own. I told her that wasn't necessary, but I have said needing space would be a good thing for both of us prior. Maybe it had to be her idea, and she had to make me out to be the bad guy?!? I dunno. I need to focus on me now, but I do see more clearly than I did before. Guess you guys were right- it can only go up from here.

(((Gabigail))) - I have come to believe, at least with my qualifiers, there is a process they go through too. My sons (each a qualifier) will bring up things that never happened, or that I viewed very differently than they did. As there has been progress in my recovery and I no longer JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) things are different. Trust me - they both still blame all of their worldly issues/problems/decisions/etc. on me and anyone else but the confrontations are fewer and farther between. I've gotten better at just being quiet about their views of the past, and if they push for me to respond, I just say, the past is the past and it can't be changed. Sorry that you feel that way.... or similar.

So, I honestly don't know if their story-telling is genuine, is for button-pushing, is because of denial or a combination of all of this. But, I do know that as I've gotten healthier, and stopped reacting, it's gotten better - at least for me.

I am sorry that you two are taking a break - I am certain that causes a bit more stress right now. I am one who does believe there are no mistakes, so it must be part of a bigger plan. I saw a very cool 'thing' on FB earlier and it made me think of us all here @ MIP. I'm going to have to see if I can find it again and share - it was very spot on for us....

Take care of you and trust HP with the rest! I hope you sleep very well tonight! (((Hugs)))

An update: my A last night left. I'm confused in so many ways because she kept telling me she loved me, but then eluded to the fact that this is what she wanted, but before had stated its what I wanted (that I told her to leave, which I still cannot recall this conversation and believe it ever happened). I am wondering if it's classic projection on her part, which has been an issue throughout our entire relationship, adding more to the guilt and manipulation.

Right now I'm choosing to focus on me. I will use the tool of not making any major decision in the next 6 months, so that lowers my anxiety significantly. I went to an online meeting last night (I missed the f2f because she was in process of leaving) and I'll be attending another tonight. I have to get back on track with my program. I also have the freedom to go back on my hikes because she finally took responsibility over the dog. I'm trying not to worry or put thoughts on our relationship now. I'll give it a few days and focus on myself. Thank you all for your eshs. I'm going to take these in to help during this time.

Thinking of you and sending
You a big hug

(((((( gabigail ))))

That is a great share, Hotrod! I know I need to trust in my HP right now. I'm taking advantage of this space to attend meetings (did 2 so far this week) and getting back into the program since being absent for weeks. Maybe this is a wake up call. Maybe it is the agent for change that needs to happen. I know right now I won't make any drastic decisions, only to work the program. Thank you for the prayers.