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Post Info TOPIC: Detaching with love and separating from AH


Newbie

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Detaching with love and separating from AH


Hi everyone,

After twelve years with my AH, I've decided it's the best for both of us and our infant daughter to separate. The problem is that I can't get up the courage or put the proper words and thoughts together to actually talk to him about it. He's actively drinking right now (after being hospitalized for drinking twice since our daughter was born a year ago), but is highly functional for the moment. In other words, we're getting along really well and life is good, all things considered. 

My primary hope is that he and I separate peacefully so that my daughter doesn't lose her father completely (even though she'll likely lose him to alcoholism eventually). Selfishly, I also hope that he and I can remain close because he is my best friend. 

I'm still feeling very resolute in my decision for us to separate. So, I've been reading Alanon literature on detaching with love and read the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage...but still don't feel like I'm ready. Does anyone have similar stories to share and/or resources that were helpful for them? 

Thanks so, so much to you all in advance.



-- Edited by likeaboss on Sunday 24th of July 2016 05:54:03 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

Hi I know you have eeen attending alanon meetings for a time. As you know it is suggested that we make no major changes for the first 6 months so that we can develop clarity as to what is best.

It sounds as if you have that clarity so i would suggest that you discuss your decision with your sponsor and at meetings, pray about it and the answer will surface.
Keep coming back.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 472
Date:

Its never easy to do this. I found that it helped me to plan and have very concrete ideas about my move,my finances and any other concerns. i was clear about my boundaries especially when it came to communication afterwards etc. I took xah for coffee and cake at a quiet cafe so he would behave civilly. I told him i was sorry and explanned why i had to go, what he could or coulnt expect from me. I asked him if he understood and told him to ask questions of me and tried to provide low emotional answers and then i listened to what he said.Even during the packing and moving and up to this month after being away from him 8mths did he stop believing id be back
i send strength and prayer for u and hugs.
alyce

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ALYCE R KINIKIN


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Hotrod and Yarncrazy, thanks so much for your thoughts.

Hotrod, thanks so much for the encouragement and reinforcement. I realize now that I'm looking to others for the answer, even though I know that that is the last thing I need. I have been in meetings, but don't have a sponsor and haven't "officially" worked the steps. Your reply motivated me to get more serious in that regard, so thank you. A few friends have said "you'll know when you know" so I'm taking that to heart. This is no one's decision but my own.

Yarncrazy, Thank you for sharing that. It was really helpful for me. Kudos and congrats to you for having the courage and strength to be so clear with your boundaries and needs. No matter how strong you are, that could not have been easy, especially for the months afterwards. Sending prayers and hugs to you, as well.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
Date:

It takes time to get there, some people stay others
Leave. My marriage was breaking apart i just kept
Attending my meetings. I cried alot for a long time
Eventually it all just played out and He asked for
A divorce.

By that time i was strong enough to deal With it emotionally.
I got the same advise as you Wait 6-12 months before
making any major decisions. Things could improve with
changed attitudes, working The program and using your
tools.

Working steps 1,2 and 3 really does help dive into the
Program. Everything just takes time, i was very slow
To change and grow.

Hugs

(((((( likeaboss))))))

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Senior Member

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Posts: 373
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There is also the tool called the plan b. I once worked a plan b. It is all about focusing on what you might need to have in order to move. I don't kniw what your resource are but when I made the plan b. I didn't have too many. And I waa not that great about asking for help. Asking for help is an art in itself The purpose of plan b is of course to take the focus off the alcoholic That's one of the hardest parts of recovery take the focus off them put it back on yourself. Maresie

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Maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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(((LikeaBoss))) - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I came to Al-Anon wanting someone to tell me how to fix my alcoholic(s), and for someone to tell me how to make my life better. I was open to leaving if that was required - I was very broken, sad, angry, etc... When I was told to keep the focus on me, and that I too was sick and my thinking was affected by the disease, I didn't want to hear that or believe it.

I stepped back from the program and the suggestions and continued living in the insanity for a while longer. When I truly thought I was going to hurt someone or go completely crazy, I came back and listened. I was still broken, angry, etc. but I had exhausted everything I could think of or do to 'fix things'. I finally heard what I needed to hear to embrace the program, steps, etc. - the answer that I heard was the three C's....I didn't cause this, I can't cure this and I can't control this.

For me, listening with an open mind and realizing how powerless I was over others and this disease was a game changer! I agree that you will know what to do when the time comes - and the answers come to me clearer today than ever before. I had to get my mind to a healthy place in order to hear the answers as my thinking and attitude was totally doom and gloom.

So, keep coming back and get stronger. Work your program for you and my hope is you too will find peace in your mind/heart. (((Hugs))) - glad you're here!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

SDB


Veteran Member

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Posts: 35
Date:

Likeaboss, we've shared how our situations are similar, so I can definitely empathize with your situation and what you're feeling. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about getting a divorce. Back when things were really bad like a year ago I did some lists to help me think through things. It helped me get my thoughts down (and de-escalated my frenzied, upset mind) and I routinely look back on those lists in my journal when I hit another rough patch.

The one comforting thing that I've found about Al Anon is that they generally don't encourage you to rush through the process. I always like the "take 6 months before making any big decisions" motto because sometimes when things are really bad I feel like I want to just rush to some kind of a judgement because it's so darn hard to sit in discomfort. I've heard people say that sponsorship can really help especially when you're trying to work a program and make some decisions. I haven't tried it yet, but I've been toying with the idea.

If you need a kindred spirit to bounce ideas off of or to vent, feel free to PM me.

Hugs,
Shannon

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