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Post Info TOPIC: How do I trust my perceptions?


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How do I trust my perceptions?


I'm having trouble trusting my perceptions of what's going on with my high functioning AH. He had cut back on drinking but slipping back to drinking more and is nodding off again at night, though I only see him have one drink when usually he nods off after three drinks. At first I thought he was just tired, but it's happened too many times. He's out for a few minutes, then wakes up and seems normal again. Also, a few weeks ago, I told him I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who uses pot.   He said he would stop using it. He had been vaping so there's no odor, but I could tell from his eyes and demeanor when he was stoned. He supposedly stopped but he still seems to be stoned at times. How do I ask him about this? I'm not sure I will trust the answer if he tells me no. Do I trust my own perceptions? Am I being naive?



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I think it is pretty hard to take the focus off them and put it on you. I know when I.am around an alcoholic/addict all the focus has ti be on their self destruction. Nowadays my focus is one me. I cannot stop them from doing what they are doing. I can however focus on me what makes me happy. What is I need to do to make changes in my life. Bargaining is a good way for people to put the focus on others for their usage. I know part of feeling special is feeling important to others. I git something out of others depending on me. Nowadays I am really conscious of my limits. Worrying myself sick about someone else isn't too healthy for me. I don't get too much done in that situation. Resenting them isn't too healthy for me either. Maresie

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Maresie


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In my experience you are entirely right to trust your own perceptions.  If you ask, he will deny using (and if he is like my ex-AH, act outraged that you even suspected him).  So that is just a way of feeling completely crazy.  But in my experience, we fear we are too quick to think they are using, when actually we are too slow to think it.  We become so used to it that we often overlook it.  I had to snoop to be sure my hunches were correct.  They were more than correct.  Usually snooping is pointless and crazy-making because we are just confirming what we already know.  But in my case, he was denying it so strongly that I began to doubt myself.  When I saw all the hidden stashes of bottles, I stopped doubting myself.

Al-Anon has a saying: "He's going to do what he's going to do.  What are you going to do?"  Once we know the truth, how to move forward and have a happy life is the challenge we tackle.  I hope you have a meeting?  Nobody should go through this alone.  Hugs.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Mcat54 - in my experience, when I ask about my suspicions with my qualifiers, rarely did they admit if/when they were drinking/using. I had to choose recovery as expecting others to conform to my desires was a delusional way for me to live. I was always on edge, suspicious, and quite anxious as I spent more time, energy and effort worrying about what they were/were not doing than living my life.

Al-anon provides meetings to find local support and fellowship. We learn how to find our peace and joy no matter what anyone else is/is not doing. We learn to set boundaries and to detach from other's actions with respect, grace and love. We also learn that we did not cause it, we can not control it nor can we cure it. Living with the disease of alcoholism/addiction affects us as much as them in distorted views, thoughts and actions.

Even when I found proof that supported my suspicions, mine would suggest it was from a 'long time ago'. I knew better as did they, but my snooping and their denial did not change one single thing - I was still upset and they were still using.

Find local fellowship and support. Keep the focus on you and work the program. It saved my sanity and there is help/hope in recovery. Keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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I appreciate the wisdom. I do have a F2F meeting, which is very helpful. I am praying for guidance and working on letting HP be in control. This morning, he said he hasn't used in a month and offered to take a urine test. I don't want that. I was open about my lack of trust and he said it's a matter of willingness to forgive. I said I'm looking at eight years of using and deception vs one month, so it will take some time. I'm feeling stronger in my ability to speak my truth calmly and without trying to change him. I'm going to a new meeting today. MIP is so helpful, and I am so grateful for the ESH you're sharing. Thank you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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In my case it was not a matter of "willingness to forgive," although my AH would have liked me to think of it that way.  (A way where I could just "forgive" and it would all be different, like flipping a switch - and where it was my willingness to forgive that was the sticking point, not anything he did.)  In my case I had to be able to trust him, which is not something you can just turn on - it's something that happens over a long period of time and seeing that they are indeed on the right path.  When he appeared drunk, I would say, "I have no way of knowing whether you've been drinking or not.  But you're acting the same way you do when you're drunk, and I can't stand to be around that, the memories are too painful.  So I'm going to [whatever - go out, go to bed, whatever]."  At first he would try to argue: "I'm not drunk!  How can you even say that!  You're so paranoid!  You need to get help for that paranoia of yours!"  That was a sign that his recovery wasn't very far along.  The kind of reaction I would have appreciated was: "I know this is hard and I know you're worried about whether I'm drinking or not.  All I can do is to work my program and hope that my determination will reassure you after a while."  But I never got that because sure enough, he was actually drinking all that time.

A month of recovery or sobriety is extremely early days.  It may feel like years to the alcoholic, but on the map of recovery, it's very early.  It's completely natural that you wouldn't let down your guard until it's clear his recovery is well underway.  Hope you will take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Mcat - so glad to hear that you are trying a new meeting today - please let us know how it goes...in my case, forgiveness had nothing to do with them - it had to do with me. As I embraced recovery and kept the focus on me, I came to understand that I spent a great deal of my waking hours watching them, thinking of them, blaming them, waiting for the shoe to drop, wondering if they were clean, if they were truthful, if they were faithful, if they were ............................................................................

None of this truly mattered to my recovery. What I think of them is none of their business just as what they think of me is none of mine. It's awesome that you are improving on saying what you mean, meaning what you say and saying it nicely - that brought more peace than I expected in my home. I also learned in this program that forgiveness is not for them - it's for me. I had to accept my powerlessness, recognize they are sick and be willing to forgive for me, my growth and my recovery.

In my home, I was always the one who started conversations, tried to plan for the future and/or vacations, meals, etc. I tried to normalize our life based on how I thought it should be. In the program, people would as me what would happen if I stopped. My answer then was, "Nothing would get done and everything would be even worse." I was wrong - and so I started taking care of me, stopped asking probing questions (how are you was a probing/nosey question here!!) and just stepped out of the boss/leader/mom role. As the program traditions suggest, I worked to be a member among members (in my family), encourage participation from all (in my family) and put program principles before personalities (in my family).

The realities are the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. In his way of thinking which aligns with the program, being sober 30 days is a miracle. The program does celebrate each day and each month for new members. In the early days of my qualifiers' recovery, I had to remind myself each day, several times a day that things had certainly improved from when they were using. I had to remind myself we are all about progress and not perfection. I had to use every tool Al-Anon gives us and said each of the following a million times....

- Yes.
- No.I
- You may be right.
- Let me think about that and get back to you.
- I don't know how I feel right now.
- I need some time to process.

and many, many more. Recovery for all is a life-long process. Celebrate the miracle each day - whatever it may be - and stay in the moment and more will be revealed! We've had relapses, chaos, drama and more and I've been able to get through all - with the program, my sponsor and program friends. I have learned to have no expectations and to stop asking questions and my days are pretty great! No matter what mine say or do, I can see the pain they are in and be supportive without over investing my emotional peace today.

Keep coming back - hold onto hope - don't try to analyze what they do or so - that's part of our disease. Do your best to let go of the past, don't project about the future, keep expectations in check and you'll find a wonderful spiritual existence that promotes healthy healing!



-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 24th of July 2016 05:00:02 PM

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Working with so many addicts...i learned some tricks. Some put hash oil in their vape and smoke it that way. Not saying your AH is doing that but usually acting drunk/stoned/high over a period of time (more than a few days) = getting drunk/stoned/high. If you cannot trust him and or be okay with his patterns...that says detach or leave. At least it did for me.

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Wow reading all these post really helped me with my struggles latly . I tend to stick to my gut feeling and trying to trust again is very hard . Specially when the AH tend to do the same stuff over again it's a give away , mine would take the bottle to bed with him and lock me out of the room and tell me to mind my own Buisness and totally denie everything gosh he would drink in front of me and tell me it's not what it seams it's all in my head while I be watching him it's a sick disease . Now I just turn my head put my blinders on and walk away and yes this makes me furious but I can't control his behavior I can only control mine thank you to my higher power to give me this gift to be able to walk away when I need to !

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Rosemary Landry


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Iamhere, I have recently resigned as the cruise director of my marriage. Like you, I don't want to be in charge of running the show, and I'm getting better at not initiating everything.

We agreed to discuss the question of trust and forgiveness about the pot with our couples therapist, who raised the question of one month clean vs. "oh, a 30-plus year habit?" But no, it wasn't controlling him, and he doesn't feel he needs it now. So, is he prepared to never use pot again? He is permanently finished with it? He essentially said he can't predict the future, never say never. (He told me on Sunday the pot and paraphernalia are now in his office. cry) He didn't answer the counselor's question about how he will handle the potential to relapse or if anything is taking the place of the pot.

He was asked if he was aware that I had been unhappy that he was using and drinking to excess. Answer, "yes." Counselor made the point that knowing and doing it any way is basically an F you, and it's something to keep in mind. We talked about the benefits of being present in the relationship and the positive moments we've shared recently. I have been using "I" statements to express my feelings about that also.

He has been nodding off without my observing the excessive drinking that usually precedes it. The night after the counseling appt, I came home from work, and he had three different glasses next to his chair -- all looked like water. He brought one to the kitchen while we were making dinner. I got myself some water and offered to refill his glass. I put ice in it and smelled gin. He stopped me before I added water. It was a dumb charade, but I confirmed my suspicions. He conked out about 8 pm, and I just went to another room, took my iPad, and watched a show I wanted to see. I had a pleasant evening doing what I wanted to do, detached and enjoyed myself. New for me was that I wasn't fuming or feeling angry in any way. He appeared awhile later. I didn't say anything. The next morning, he showed me a big knot on his forehead. He'd hit his head on the door frame on the way to bathroom (four steps away). This is the first time he's injured himself. He didn't seem drunk when we went to bed. He said he wasn't dizzy, just veered over and hit the door. I know I need to let this go too. He's almost 69. I fear a decline but I know that's beyond my control. I keep thinking about the slogans and "more will be revealed." REALLY looking forward to my F2F this morning.



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Love that, MCAT. Resigning as the cruise director of your marriage.

I think I will join you in resigning!

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Grateful to put the heavy weight down.

 

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I do too - great statement! I hope your F2F meeting is awesome!!

(((Hugs))) - make it a great day!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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