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Hi everyone, I'm new this forum and was seeking some advice and support. My husband is a recovering alcoholic for 7 years. I met him when he was 3 years sober. When we met, he discussed his sobriety saying he was comfortable with being around alcohol and others drinking. I was at the time, and still am, a social drinker. My family and close friends all socially drank as well. I didn't know much about the disease and the process of recovery. My husband and I would often attended all the social events where drinking occurred - bars, bbqs, get-togethers. I constantly would ask if he was ok and he stated and acted like he was. In fact, most of my family and friends, as well as I, were so impressed by his ability to be strong in these surroundings. We eventually got married and moved in together and immediately began having problems. Our ability to communicate is a major issue. He began to change and I noticed that he was becoming emotionally unavailable. Through recent therapy. I found out he was a dry drunk. I think he is still in denial though. I feel lost and helpless because I don't know how to help him and since there has been so much damage done from the fighting and him shutting down that I don't even know if the marriage can be saved. Just looking for some advice or some ways to approach the situation. I'm trying to understand what he is going through. Thanks!
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Living with the disease of alcohoiism is extremely difficult You see the disease is 3 fold in nature It affects the drinker physically, emotionally and spiritually--Even when the drinking has stopped.the person needs to continue to seek recovery in a support group such as AA.
Family members also require a program of recovery as well. We tend to abandon ourselves, focus on others and react in a negative manner when living with the disease.Alanon is that program and face to face meetings are held in most communities The hot line number can be found in the white pages.
Aloha Melentz and welcome to the board..Hot Rod has offered some very good feedback and there will be more. Its time to learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. It is the nastiest of diseases and yes it is a disease. The American Medical Association's definition will help you...look it up. Also look in the white pages of the local telephone book for Al-Anon in your area attend open AA meeting with your alcoholic if he is still attending and listen well with an open mind. Listen to and learn about dry drunk or drunking which most often pertains to acting drunk without the alcohol...it is psycoholic the reliving of memories, feelings, actions of being under the influence without the chemical. Often times the partner or spouse will swear that the dry drunk is drinking or using ...it is that real.
Face to face Al-Anon Family Groups are the most effective aid and support against the disease that I know...Keep coming back this works when you work it. Go get the steps, the traditions and the meeting places and times and keep coming back...MIP is family. (((((Hugs)))))
Thank you both so much! I have found a local meeting for myself and will be attending tomorrow. I'm struggling with a lot of guilt for being so naive to the disease and really thinking that he could be ok this whole time as well as anger towards him for leading me to believe he was ok when he wasn't. It's still all relatively new but I really do want to get a better understanding of his feelings and my own so I will definitely be coming back here for the support and resources!
Thanks!
Keep in mind that this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling. Taking down a 2 person relationship is childs play for it. Alcoholism has taken down large groups of people and families...because alcohol is such and accepted chemical it only comes to reason that alcoholism comes right along with it. The disease is thousands of years old so it has had a lot of experience and practice. Stick around with us and keep sharing and asking for ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) from the MIP family...
Welcome, Melenzt13, so glad you found us! You are doing the right thing in seeking out those who also have experienced struggles from the disease. So happy you are getting to a meeting! Meetings are an incredibly helpful resource as it introduces many of the helpful concepts and tools of the AlAnon program. Look forward to hearing more about your journey
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Melenzt13 - welcome to MIP. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and recovery is a life-long commitment. There are ups and downs for everyone and for an alcoholic, a day without a drink is a miracle. The best support you can provide him is to work on your own recovery and work to understand the disease as best you can.
The term dry drunk is subjective and used often to describe a 'funk' or a bad mood/bad moment/bad day. No matter what he is/is not doing, keep your focus on you and your joy and just see what can happen. Miracles happen every day - look for the miracle.
Let us know how your meeting goes and know that there is help and hope. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
