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I notice a trend and hopefully others have experienced it so I don't think it is some fault in me. (not trying to be snobby, but I am a fit attractive social woman) My ABF (we are both 45 btw) has definitely decreased his drinking in the last 6months of our 4yrs together. He has I would say one or two slight slip ups a week. Nothing even close to before. But anyway..... I really notice now that he has no sex drive unless its that one day he drinks and is also very quiet and introverted with me unless its drinking day. Then he is talkative, overly attentive, tells me stuff about life n things he thinks about. But if not drinking he is kind of boring almost! Is this anyone elses issue? Do men really have no sex drive if they have depended on years n years to use that to get in mood??? Annoying he only really talks when he has that drink!
I'm not sure it's an exclusive thing to alcoholics or to your ABF himself but I can say that when my XAH got sober (quit drinking) when we were engaged, I found the sex to be boring. And, I didn't really tie the two things together until a few years later. I just thought it was wedding jitters or something. He was a much better lover when he had a few beers in him. Sad to say, but it was truth for me.
This has nothing to do with whether you are attractive or fit or a perfect combination of June Cleaver and Pamela Anderson, this has to do with how alcohol affects him and his 'drive'. I noticed that when my XAH started drinking again he seemed more agreeable, more willing to do projects around the house, etc. His depressive mood would lift. Unfortunately, as he spiraled down the alcoholism hole, he got worse and there were no more 'good times' even after just a few beers.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I have both active alcoholics and sober ones in my life. The sober ones act very differently from one another as do the ones that are still using. Some who drink and some who don't drink are the life of the party while some of he sober ones and ones still drinking are introverted. Everybody's got their individual temperament and personality.
I have only known my abf as a sober alcoholic but I did meet him when he was very early in his recovery. He's sober a number of years now. We check in with one another often. What I've learned about intimacy from being in Alanon is that it's in my best interest to share my feelings and concerns directly with him. My abf and I consider ourselves to be each other's partner and best friend. We've agreed to keep communication open and honest without being brutally honest. It's important to each of us to feel safe discussing just about anything with each other. In my humble opinion, it's better to ask a difficult question in a caring and loving way and get an answer than project about what might be going on. We only make ourselves miserable when we try to guess what's wrong. We feel a closer bond with one another from having a conversation and being relieved of the worries we were creating in our heads.
Sexual intimacy varies so much from person to person. Only your abf can really tell you what's happening with him these days. You deserve to know. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I'm sorry to say, but intimacy of this kind is virtually non-existent in our home since my RAH found recovery (sobriety). We talk about it and are open, but he is simply uninterested most of the time, whereas he was very sexual before he stopped drinking. I have no answers on how to make it better, but I'll take the less sex and a happy home any day. That is, of course, just my personal preference and everyone is certainly open to their own opinions and decisions.
I have a pattern myself of turning on and off relationships. There are periods when Ifind certain men exciting and others when I don't
I know what I would like but I never seem to get to that.
I don't know that I find anyone boring per se but there is something very captivating about someone in trouble. I try to observe more these days. I no longer work exclusively in reaction mode
For me personally the costs of being in a relationship (however it is) for someone in addict mode are too high. I have to back track and detach. Sometimes I have to detach fiercely by getting very very busy.
Maresie
My last boyfriend had performance issues when he drank. Unfortunately, we would only see each other on weekends, and only spent entire nights together every other weekend. And we went out, and had drinks. (and he smoked pot, and smoked etc.) Then when he was sober the next day, he didn't have a 'drive' at all. My ex husband - well, we were not intimate for the last 9 years of our 20 year marriage. He only wanted to have sex when he was drinking, and I was turned off by it and resentful that the only sex I ever had in my marriage was when he was drunk. When he was sober, he never made advances to me.
I don't have an explanation for it, it just was part of the overall 'reality' of living with an alcoholic. It definitely contributed to the end of the marriage when all was said and done.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
My AH has completely had a decreased sex drive since cutting back and when he's sober. He says that when he drinks he's less inhibited, which is why it was like night and day in terms of our sex life. I think that As have to figure out what being sober is like especially if they've been drinking for a long time. I've tried to be more proactive in initiating and in having conversations about sex. We're not back to where we were, but it can get better if you put in some work.
Performance anxiety goes way up when men get sober. Anxiety and frustration in general go up so sex drive goes down for a bit. I think both men and women need time and some awkward practice to get their groove back in this area. Now of course for me, I got sober right off breaking up with my alcoholic ex who was hugely overweight and i also lost a ton of weight as I got sober. So...yeah...after 1 month...game on. It was like I was in candy land. Once I figured out how to do it sober...I did...a lot.
