The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have discovered in past that somehow i am attracting towards me only men who are needy and needs saving or something and not finding those normal healthy responsible men...
so i am wondering how al anon might help to find healthy partner or friend... maybe some older members can share their esh.
My share might not help but here goes. 8 mths ago I left my husband of 25 yrs who was a very severe alchoholic and near death again for the umpteenth time. Over the years, he had abused me and gotten in lots of trouble financially, duis, jail,rehab stays etc etc. Meanwhile i had stayed for many of the reasns u haver heard before[finances, tried to fix him, loss of self] One day after going to Alanon for 2 yrs, i woke up and saved myself. Suddenly, i realized i didnt want to waste my life . So i started researching and planning and after alot of work, i find myself in an appartment near buslines,shops,etc. I am looking for work and every day i wake up with space in my head to think and a smile on my face. Then I started talking on facebook to a man i had dated just before my X. We met and had so much in common and fell in love. He has alot of qualities ive wanted in a partner but has a few problems as we all do. He is a hoarder[not a horrible one but enough to affect things.
At the beginning of the relationship, i bluntly told him that i was an alanon person, I established boundaries, Im watching to curb my need to fix and im trying to maintain my 'own self. It isnt easy and often i have to catch myself from imersing myself in his circus. He doesnt smoke,drink etc and he is kind,funny and thoughtful. still he has been a bachelor all these yrs sooooooooooo there is this ongoing checkup in our relationship, to be clear about what is going on etc. I hope this makes sense. Sometimes, i believe, one is put together with someone for a reason. Im hoping this works out but im actively watching it this time.
a
Hi Kadri liisa, and thank you for asking this question. What Alanon has done for me is helped me realize that I am a worthwhile person and deserve a good life regardless of whether I am in a romantic relationship or not. I do not have to accept the unacceptable just to have a man in my life. Also I am more educated about addiction, which I knew nothing about when I was younger. With the knowledge I have gained through painful experience, from listening and reading, I believe I could see danger signs and not be in denial. So by keeping a boundary against what I do not want or need my life, I leave space for the good to come in.
I am in a healthy adult relationship today after 4 years in program. Al Anon helped me learn how to:
1. QTIP: Quit taking it personally.
Everything anyone ever did around me, I took it personal. If my ex was taking a nap and I was busy cleaning the house.....I took it personally
2. Asked myself: How important is it?
This concept allowed me figure out which battle I wanted to fight
3.I let go of the need to be right all the time:
I could be right, but I didn't have to shove it down everyone else's throat. I could just know that I was right and I learned to respect other people's perspectives.
4. I had to let go and let God.
I learned that everyone needs to be turned over to God. That my will had to be turned over to God and to His outcome and to let people walk the path that God has set before them.
5.Letting go of control.
I learned to let go of controlling other people. To allow people the dignity to live their lives as they saw fit. To allow their paths to unfold before them and to not interfere. I still work on this one a lot today but I'm finding it easier as I continue growing and changing.
So, to sum it up: I LEARNED TO LET GO: let go of expectations, let go of my will, let go of control, let people just 'be' and let my relationships just 'be'. I had to learn to sit with myself and actually feel my emotions, as uncomfortable as they were.
Hugs! I know how hard this walk can be. I was so low at times, i had forgotten what daylight even looked like. Trust the process and know that it's always: progress, not perfection!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am in a 30 year relationship with a non drinking partner and the following tools worked/ work wonders in all my relationships.
I found that i had to develop a strong set of priniciples that I would live by and I did that by working the Steps. i also had to remember to keep the focus on myself, stop blaming or judging others,keep an open mind and to say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean
Remember it is all a process and progress not perfection is the key.
The are soooo many values we can practice in recovery and for me that is what Al-Anon is...the practice of positive values which I didn't know how to or do before I got here. I didn't know about working values beyond just thinking of them and then I learn that the values of the program were behaviors we extended to all others in our lives. I went to a meeting one evening where the topic was love and one share lodged itself in my belief system and it was from a woman who spoke of an alcoholic spouse who use to pass out at the front door of their home which she had to drag him into the house and into the bedroom so he could be out of the cold. She went on to say that she further learned to just cover him with a blanket at the door step and go back inside leaving the rest up to him. I was interested about her personal definition of love so I followed her and asked. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" The definition did not contain mention of the alcoholic or any other special individual; it spoke of personal values and I got it. Everyone to me is a healthy partner and friend and it is I who have to that way also. Love is unconditional acceptance without exception. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The changes had to be inside me as well. I got the A out of my life, but unless I changed me, I would continue to bring that element into my life.
We don't have to accept the unacceptable.
No one has the right to come into my life and throw their garbage onto me - this concept really runs my life now - my serenity is my responsibility to protect; and I love my peaceful, serene life.
My daughter came up with this analogy: its like a body of water with a bottle of poison in it, you can remove the bottle but the poison remains and has to have time to dissipate. I gave myself time to heal and think.
I am worthy of a good relationship, but it is my job to figure out what I want in a relationship, what qualities I want in a man, and not be befuddled by a pair of dreamy blue eyes.
Hearing the pain of so many others, all of them, all of us singing the same kind of song - realizing that we are not alone in our struggles, that we love and try and hurt and want better. Coming to truly understand that so many things are not mine to do anything about, the beauty in being able to assess a situation for what I can or should do, or not, because its not mine to fix.
Its an entirely different living process.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It definitely helped me. It helped me attract a better partner because I learned Im worthy of that and need not settle for less AND it helps me stay happy and content with my spouse because I celebrate who he is and don't want to change him. I handle my issues. He handles his. We choose each other...We do some things for each other but the awful neediness is gone that used to cause drama and wreck all my relationships.
Normal is a setting on the dial. I wouldn't even sau it is for me attracted. Needy is what I know. My parents were really out there. Boundaries were not present in KY family home. Responsible is a hard word for me. My father was certainly responsible on some level but didn't protect ke from so much including his rage.
I believe al anon gives us tools but also the ability to manage our own lives. Life doesn't seem as fear based now as it was. I can't say it is easy bit it is easier. For me the relationship thing has to be part of life rather than the only life. Relationships, great as they are, are just one part of my life. My most important relationship is with myself.
I have to love myself before anyone else.
Maresie
When I started dating after divorce, I attracted more than my share of addictive types. I was drawn to those who 'needed' me, but as soon as I realized they were alcoholic, or otherwise addicted, I would end the relationships because I can't 'sign up' for that again. Sometimes it took days, weeks and in one case, 8 months! Addiction is everywhere. It's not that I am 'attracting' them to me, it's that I am 'reacting' to them when I become involved with them. Alcoholics are 'familiar' to me - it's like an easy chair. However, being around addicts for me is no different than an Alcoholic walking into a bar. If I am not on my Alanon game, my old behaviors and attitudes come creeping back. I've come to a point where I have been 'healthy' for a longer time, my self worth and spiritual growth has grown tremendously, and i find that I am attracting more similar types to me now. Every once in a while someone comes along and I have a 'repeat lesson'... I have learned to listen to my inner voice and trust it. I have several friends who drink excessively, and I practice good detachment. But when it comes to intimate relationships, I simply know I can not go there.
I am currently seeing someone - we actually went to high school together but didn't really know each other at that time. We connected quickly and strongly - like long lost friends. We have a very similar life journey, and I have not seen any addictive tendencies in him thus far. He is so mellow and chill, it sometimes makes me 'uncomfortable'. He is very present with me, attentive, truly listening to what I have to say and responding to it. He is affectionate and genuine. Emotionally available. This is 'unfamiliar' to me - I am used to doing back flips to get my partners to 'see' me. I am just letting go and letting G*d run the show here. For the first time in a very long time, I can be 'me'and not feel like I have to put on a show or do something for 'him'. He has some family conflict going on right now and I am able to 'stand back' and just listen without offering a 'fix' it. I hate to see anyone in pain, but it doesn't mean I need to feel compelled to erase that pain. Al-Anon has taught me to take care of 'my stuff' and leave 'their stuff' to them. I have learned that I can do this without becoming enmeshed in it. He appreciates my support but doesn't go on and on about his family conflict when we are together. He may update me briefly, I offer compassion and encouragement, but we move on from it and enjoy our time together. He doesn't ask me 'what should I do'... He does not care about me because he needs me to solve his problems.
For me, relationships are where the 'rubber hits the road' so to speak. It's where I have practiced the most recovery work and put it to the test. No relationship is going to be perfect. Not all relationships last forever. I have learned to stay in the moment, One Day At A Time - taking things as they come. Outcomes can't be forced. As long as I stay true to my principles and values, I can't go wrong. When I let those values slip in order to 'keep' someone in my life - that is when trouble begins for me. After my last serious relationship, I really took time to write down what I wanted in a partner, the traits and qualities that are important to me. I described him fully on a sheet of paper. And then I made sure that I AM those things myself. That I HAVE those qualities and that I am able to live by the same high standards that I expect from my partner. Three months later, my current guy showed up, unexpectedly. It is still early yet, but I am feeling really good about this connection. Easy and sweet, calm. This is how it is supposed to feel - not dramatic, tense, wondering, questioning, guessing... I only know this is 'good' because I have experienced so much 'not good'. So be prepared for trial and error. Lots of it!
'
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Cyndi - I like what you said about making sure you had in yourself the qualities that you require of someone else. Double standards are an easy trap to fall in to, and usually end up badly.
Thank you for your reminder to know myself and work to become more of the woman I want to be.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
So be prepared for trial and error. Lots of it!