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Hi this is kadri liisa recovering acoa and also al anon....i have been in both fellowships about 7 years and now i sometimes keep doors of al anon and acoa open in my town as groups are small here. I am 32 years old single lady. Currently my flatmate is social alcoholic and i am following and thinking what to do as in past i kicked one flatmate out when he was drinking too much and all other room was smelling with alcohol...
why i came here was that i wanted al anon esh (i was alone in monday al anon f2f) on paying someone else stuff and borrowing money...into my own life there came person who asked help. in first i helped without really knowing him and now some months later he admitted that he had lied to me and wanted to get new support. Thing was some payment for getting his documents and this time i checked out from office in tallinn and then discovered that he is again lying to me...but i still tried to control it and helped him but when he went into his old pattern -i need this and i need that then i realized that it is this same old lie...and said no...he tried one or two times more but i said that lets talk when he has this money in his hands.... this guy is from broken family and it seems to me that he might be also addict in some way.... so one day at time i hope that he does not contact with me anymore. i changed his number in my phone too with no letters for just in case if he will call to me when i am awaking from nap or something.
I just came from.a situation.where I rented a room in a house where the owner was an alcoholic.
You have my sympathies. Alcoholics are notorious for getting through boundaries.
I also have a friend who is an alcoholic ir rather I would say I am in hostage in a friendship
This friend has the I need this I need that long list of needs.
Of.course they are always really pressing
I just moved into a place of my own (the first time in decades I have had my own place).
Lies are very much part of the spectrum of alcoholism. In.fact I.think.you.can pretty much presume it is all lies.
I actually have my phone off ringing most of the time. I.cannot say that I get that many calls. They wait to pounce at other times.
The way I deal with this is to get really busy. I have just moved. I don't know what you can do to get really busy but I know it is an al anon tool I have used in the past.
The other way of course is to detach. Decades onto dealing with this disease I know where it takes people. If they don't go into recovery that demise is pretty much certain. I.also know that I am extremely unlikely to be the reason why anyone will get sober. There have to be other circumstances to do that.
Maresie.
Welcome to MIP Kari - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. In Al-Anon we work to keep our focus on us vs. the qualifier that brought us here. When we work the program we stop obsessing over them, what they are doing, what they are thinking, etc. and work to strengthen our own self-confidence and self-worth.
I view enabling as doing for another that which they should do for themselves. I also view any assistance I provide that contributes to their disease as enabling. I've had to work hard in my program to dissect my 'help' for others into true service and potential enabling. It's not always black/white so I am a work in progress. When I am asked for $$, my standard response is no. I am not a bank and I have worked hard for my money, my assets and my life. If someone is hungry, I will feed them. I will not give them $$ for groceries, as in my case, the $$ often wasn't used for food.
I will give rides if I am available, and I will always drive someone to a meeting. I do not examine their motives, but rather pause and ask myself am I being of service or am I contributing to their problems/disease. My qualifiers could move heaven and earth to get alcohol or other substances - without a car, without a ride and without $$ or a job. So - for all the energy spent chasing this life/life-style, I figure if they have to walk to the store, walk to work, get a job, go without a car, etc. - it's OK. They will learn how to be self-reliant and self-sufficient.
So, keeping the focus on us and not on what they are doing, will do or have done has worked well for me, my peace and my growth. Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just arrived to home from one day trip and found out that my flatmate was drinking again with his girlfriend. Kind of venting as it is second time in this week - first time was in tuesday evening with his another girl friend who has just come out from rehab....yes i know that it is not my business but still i am bit worrying that music was loud today as it is 1am here...anyway i think i need to set myself for it that neibhours might say something to my landlord and so on...it is sad to see that someone is destroying his life...praying for all of it...
-- Edited by kadriliisa on Thursday 8th of December 2016 06:49:23 PM
Sorry to hear this Kadrillisa - It is indeed sad however I do believe that you need to take care of yourself in this situation. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you
Aloha Kad and welcome to the family. I empathize with your post and condition which reminds me of all of the merry-go-round lessons I got in the program. I learned how to get off of that ride and stay off. God bless them and love them and I cannot save them. Please keep coming back ((((hugs))))
This thread helped me a great deal. I left a situation with an alcoholic landlord six months ago. I am still recovering
The pouncing was unremitting. The provocativeness was unremitting. I knew this guy a long time. I had lots of signs
Nevertheless it was absolutely exhausting
I feel for you
Maresie
Thx all for posting...yes i have not yet find out what to do my alcoholic flatmate....i have thought until he is not disturbing my life then i can share flat with him....but this week has made me bit more to think about boundaries.Yes he turned music more silent when i said yesterday so i could sleep as in this apartment walls are bit weak it means if it loud enough i can hear what neibhours are doing etc.
In general my flamate is good person, cleaning more than me general rooms, cooking well for man (sometimes i think that this more cooking for me too sometimes might be like he feels bad about his drinking or something), pays bills normally, agreed to live in room which is walking through.
