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I am a 18 year old kid feeling so many emotions. I have grown up in middle class suburban household with both my parents and a sibling a few years older than me. My "father" (I don't consider him my dad anymore, I will refer to him as Jason) is an alcoholic. My mom works part time and is a stay at home mom. Jason has a good paying job ($150k+ a year) and works 40-50 hrs a week. He doesn't really have any friends. My parents use to drink beer EVERY single night while I was growing up and I thought that it was normal. I vividly remember when I was 7 years watching him drag my mom down the stairs by her hair. In 5th grade, Jason was violently drunk physically and verbally abusing my mom and I so she called the police and he left the house and ended up getting arrested. I remember my mom would catch Jason drinking vodka and get in fights with him where he would call her a fat bi**** and far worse things. Eventually my mom decided to stop drinking when I was in 10th grade because they got in one of those fights and she reached a point where she realized she couldnt do it anymore and alcohol was destroying our family. She quit drinking and Jason told her he was going to stop and our whole family supported him. A couple months later, I caught him drinking vodka in the bathroom and told my mom about it. The same fights happened every few months and the verbal abuse gets worse everytime. He always persuades my mom that he is going to be done drinking and she believes him every single time. Jason tells me that I am dead to him and am not his son. My mom has the biggest heart and never believes me when I tell her that he is drinking again and I ALWAYS catch him drinking and Jason despises me because I am the only one who calls him out about it. He has told me he hates me sober and drunk. I quit speaking to him junior year. My mom has never told anyone because she trys to maintain the "great family" image so none of her friends know. I know he is an alcoholic and he will never quit drinking or verbally abusing my mother. I just finished my senior year and am about to leave for college in a few weeks. I am so scared to leave my mom alone with him. I have told my mom countless amounts of times she needs to get out this abusive marriage and she gets mad at me and says things like, "you are only a kid marriage is complicated you cant just leave" "this time is the last time" "cant you just look deep in your heart and forgive him and try to be a family one more time?". I just cannot do it anymore, I have watched him verbally and physically abuse my mother my whole life along with all the hurtful things he has said to me. I feel like my mom despises me because I dont speak to him or respect him and I feel like she betrays me every single time she forgives him and acts like nothing happened and goes right back into the cycle. Growing up thinking that this is what "love" is has messed me up, made me push away any girl I got close to and ended up being in a long relationship with an alcoholic girlfriend. Now that I am older I know that this is not normal, this isn't what marriage is. A week ago I caught him drinking and the same fight happened and when my mom forgave him the next day (after I told her that she needs to get away from this marriage for the sake of my brother and I) I quit speaking to her. I can't fake it and act like everythings okay and settle and let abuse win. After a week of not talking to my mom today we spoke and got in a fight and she told me if I cant be apart of our family and talk to either of them then I need to move out and she wont help me pay for college. I dont know what to do, I only have a couple thousand saved up and I cant live with the abuse anymore. I have been so depressed the past year. I want to talk to a therapist but I cannot afford it and don't have many adult figures in my life I can go to..
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 20th of July 2016 10:47:12 PM
-- Edited by thedot1 on Thursday 21st of July 2016 12:23:35 PM
Welcome thedot, I am pleased that you found our message board and had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity. I am sorry that you are living with the effects of this dreadful disease and would like to suggest that you are not alone and that there is help and hope.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. This disease not only affects the person who drinks , but also the entire family. Every member requires a program of recovery in order to regain their ability to respond to life in a healthy fashion. The denial of the disease,as you are experiencing , is one of the tools that family members use in order to cope with the insanity.
Al-Anon and Alateen are programs that have been developed to help families learn new and constructive tools to live by.
I understand the difficulty of living with the disease. and would like to suggest that you search out Alateen meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number can be found in the white pages.
You could also suggest that mom search out Al-Anon meetings and attend as well.
It is here that I learned to keep the focus on myself, that I was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic, and that I needed to stop reacting to the insanity and learn how to respond in a healthy fashion.
All this takes time and is a process. After you and mom have attended these meetings for some time you may be able to speak to each other in a healthier manner.You could also suggest to mom that you are getting help with your attitude and ask her to reconsider paying for school.
I agree that al-ateen or al-anon could be a great help to you.
The situation you describe sounds really difficult and I can see how torn you must be between acting on what you know s right and getting your needs met.
The really cool thing about this program is that it doesn't require the cooperation of anyone else to improve your own life; whether or not your mother or her partner make changes or not, you can find tools and resources to help yourself anyway.
I found that in the beginning everything seemed hopeless and I coudn't see an answer or any way out (in my case, I have a child and was living with an alcoholic partner who would get abusive; sounds familiar huh?). I was completely torn as I didn't have the resources to rent a house on my own and did not know what would become of my child if i became homeless so I felt as if there was no way out. But through working through the program I found a lot of clarity (you can think a lot more clearly when you aren't consumed by grief, rage, guilt, and how things 'should" be). The more clarity I gained, the more solutions to my 'impossible' situation started to appear and life got a lot better.
I'd heartily encourage you to seek out local meetings and to continue to share here.
Welcome aboard!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Al-anon has helped me to change my behaviour and improve my life regardless of what others are doing around me - I really recommend it.
The situation that you have grown up in sounds so very difficult, but so familiar as well. I am so sorry that you have grown up with this disease around you.
Alcoholism affects everyone who lives with it and I hear you acknowledging your own awareness of that, which is a wonderful thing. I think that I was in denial for many years regarding my husband's drinking and abuse and as you have learnt, it is an uphill struggle trying to convince others to see what you see - denial is such a strong coping mechanism - not always appropriate, but effective for those that use it.
If someone could give you time off from policing and protecting might you be able to relax, would it feel like any sort of relief for you? You are right, it is a cycle, in fact if you google 'A Merry Go Round Named Denial' you will find some Alanon literature that could be helpful for you.
I thought that I if I could just convince my husband not to drink everything would be ok. And of course I tried to foresee all the potential crisis before they happened, which had me anxious and just waiting for well I knew not what I was waiting for, but I sure as hell was ready for it - fight and flight in one tightly wound up package! I fought and argued and all the rest. But a strange thing happened a few months after I finally let go of trying to run my husband's life. He stopped drinking.
Living with someone else's alcoholism turned me into an irritable, resentful, controlling and not particularly nice to be around old bat. Perfectly normal and understandable considering the circumstances!! But I wasn't being the person that I wanted to be, and that was tearing me apart. I finally gave up and, out of necessity, started to concentrate on me. I stopped watching the alcoholic in my life. Things got better. I loosened my grip on other people's behaviour and had more time to do the things that I enjoyed. I pouted less and smiled more. And I learnt about this through reading here and by listening to the stories of other people in Alanon. It is all so counter-intuitative, but my word it works.
I am so proud of you for reaching out and being so honest. At your age, heck even at mine, I let the shame of having an alcoholic mother drive me to keep our family problems a secret. Then I married an alcoholic, and 18 years later I am just learning to share and ask for help from my HP and others.
Your mother is on her own path and makes her own choices. In Al-anon they teach us to "live and let live." You cannot soften the blow of your mother's choices, much less your alcoholic father. Giving up on your dream of an education (without a tremendous amount of student debt), in order to "save" your mother from a situation that only she can choose to be in or get out of doesn't seem fair to you.
I too am an adult child of an alcoholic. I was the youngest of seven children, and took on the role of being the over-responsible one. I got great grades, excelled at most everything I did, but my motivations were to try to turn all the negativity in my house into positive attention. If I could just have been good enough, responsible enough, then perhaps my parents could be happy. Or I could divert the attention away from my drunk mother and onto me. It didn't work for me. I ended up seeing my alcoholic mother as the victim, and my angry father as the bad guy. I reversed your situation. Truth is, my mom was an addict, and my dad didn't have the tools that I am learning today to turn his focus on his life. It was constant war in my house.
When I met my husband, I moved 1,300 miles away from my family. Leaving my parents was the hardest thing I had ever done, but the best. I was able to decide who I wanted to be and give myself some distance from the daily drama. What I didn't know is that I was still in a relationship with an alcoholic, and that I would continue my pattern by marrying one (didn't know when I married him that he was an alcoholic). See, I just put distance between us, but didn't change the way I dealt with me.
So, here I am in my 40's and finally starting to really learn to live my life. My mother quit drinking when I was a teenager, but really kept on suffering anyway. My father was still angry. My husband is in out-patient therapy and working on sobriety. Things can change, both for the worse and better. But the one constant is that I get to choose how to live my life.
I hope that you keep coming back. Do find a local group in Al-anon to get more support.
I am so sorry you had to grow up in this environment. I am so happy for you that your husband is trying to get better.
The whole thing of keeping family secrets to protect image is so hard to deal with, having no one to talk to about it. I finally broke down one day at school this year and told my counselor about what is going on and she encouraged me to do what's best for me. Earlier this year I told my mom that I could not go through the cycle and watch her be abused anymore; I thought if she realized how seriously it affects me and how important her safety is to me that it would be the final push for her to leave her marriage so I told her that if she forgives him this time that I am moving out and getting out of this house. She told me I was being selfish. I moved out to stay with my best friend for a couple months during the school year and during that time I felt so relieved and felt like a completely different person. Eventually I couldnt stay at my friends house anymore and moved back in and everything is the same, I cannot stand it. I know my mom is a victim and marriage is complicated but at what point did this become normal? She wont say it but I know she is scared to be alone and provide for herself. A few times she has kicked him out of the house for a few days (but she always lets him come back) and during those few days she is a completely different person, she would invite me out to dinner and want to hang out with me instead of being inside all day. I forgot about that side of my mom and it breaks my heart that she can't be that person.
-- Edited by thedot1 on Thursday 21st of July 2016 02:43:18 PM
Welcome to mip thedot1 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is also considered a family disease. By this, it means that almost all who live with it become sick - some sicker than the alcoholic. The disease is one of the mind, body and soul and there is no cure - the best solution is recovery. Recovery is only for those who want it, so many continue to live with the disease and diseased, and continue the cycle of insanity, chaos and drama.
Most likely, both of your parents are doing the best they can based on their level of illness. For an alcoholic, drinking is not a choice, but rather a compulsion. Many who want to quit simple can not put the bottle down and expect it will get better or be different or they can control it to find out again and again that they can not. It's the same for the family - they want to believe in one being able to quit/change, only to find out that the disease is in control.
I grew up with a 'perfect family' and also had nobody to talk to. I applaud your reach for help as I ended up using substances to cope. I entered recover 28+ years ago, and while it's not easy, I no longer keep secrets for others. What happens now is I get to leave if/when craziness starts, and go home - full of gratitude that I have a different way of life. However, the disease followed me - both of my sons opted to experiment and it went quickly downhill and they are affected by alcoholism as well.
The isms of the disease continue with or without the substances. Your best bet is to find local support - Al-Anon and/or AlaTeen + others to break the cycle, just for you. Because of the path my son took, we also refused to support any college tuition (we spent it all on rehabs.)...He was able to go to a community college and get grants to assist his educational needs when he decided that was the path he wanted. You are an adult now (18) and you can leave the home, get a job, find support and make a different path for yourself. You no longer have to keep secrets and you no longer have to be stuck 'there' if you need/want a different life.
I encourage you to consider the disease concept and how it affects us all. I am certain your mother feels pulled between him/you and that's a hard place to be. Marriage, family and life is complicated without alcoholism - it's almost impossible with it.
Work on keeping your focus on you and seeking recovery for you. Let them do what they're going to do and just take life one moment at a time. Don't worry about the future and let go of the past - neither are within your control. You deserve to have happiness, and that's going to have to be your job and priority now. Keep coming back - there is help and hope.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Living with alcoholics really has shaped me into a different person, a person I want to change out of. I was a very social kid growing up and had a lot of friends at school and around 10th and 11th grade when this all started to happen I switched into a completely different person. I used to use drink some but not many weekends from the school year (as high schoolers do) but grew out of it very quickly because it was fun at first but became old very quickly, quitting drinking for me was very easy but I know so many people at my school who drink every weekend and are going to grow up to be just like my dad. I started using molly (Ecstasy) in my late years of high school to escape from the hate from my dad and the abuse of my mother. I used it maybe once or twice my whole junior year but stopped before senior year. Now I have no ambition to want to do anything or hang out with friends, I just feel like I have no life in me. I find myself just laying around watching netflix most friday and saturday nights ignoring my friends phone calls. I want to take steps to become the person I used to be before the drugs and alcoholic father destroyed me but I dont know how.
Force yourself to go out with friends. Otherwise anger and resentment will consume you. It is a family disease. Don't let it claim you. Screw that!!! One of the most helpful things for me is to take my anger and frustration off the addict and place it on addiction. Addiction sucks! That way you can see objectively what it does and it sucks family members in. Try not to let it. Even if it feels you have to "try" to be social and happy. Do it. Talk to your closest friends about it. This disease wants you isolated, feeling hopeless and that nobody can understand so dont bother trying to get support...call bs on that.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 21st of July 2016 08:11:40 PM
I grew up in a really dysfunctional family. There are many patterns of alcoholism but one of the classic signposts is they don't quit even when the adverse effects are huge. I know a man right now who needs surgery. Yet he cannot quit using meth. So he walks around with a limp rather than give up the meth.
At a certain point there isn't a choice.
I think the same can be said for many people around an alcoholic. They may not be using the drug but everything in their life is abject chaos because of it.
Being able to articulate your feelings of frustration, anger, grief and more is part of recovery. I am glad you are here. I certainly grieved my own family of origin for a long time. One of my core issues waa that I went anD unconsciously sought out people like them. If there is am alcoholic in a room you can be certain I will find them.
Maresie
And I learnt about this through reading here and by listening to the stories of other people in Alanon. It is all so counter-intuitative, but my word it works.