Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Not sure how to help brother who is 1000 miles away


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Not sure how to help brother who is 1000 miles away


My brother (62) lives in KY.  He lives with his girlfriend.  About 2 months ago, she texted me asking me to get him out of her house as his drinking has become too much.  In my calls to him over the past year, we have spoken much about his disease.  Also, his drinking has become much worse.  I did start looking into getting him into a program where he lives.   When we last spoke, he told me he didn't want any help, that he'd rather die if he lost his girlfriend.  I have tried calling and texting him, no answer for the past month and a half.  I don't think he wants to talk with me any more about getting treatment.  I know he has to want to get better/seek help.  So I am at a loss of what to do. The "girlfriend" wants me to get him out of the house.  Thank you.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

It isn't your responsibility to get him out of her house in any way, shape, or form. Tell her to have him evicted if she has to. You did not force her to move in with an alcoholic.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

As far as wanting help...An alcoholic (active) will often threaten suicide or say they would rather be dead. They push that all the way to the limit where some do it and some seek 4ecovery when they realize that the threat is no longer eliciting control/enabling. None of us can predict what your brother will do. If he is crafty enough to find booze still, he is probably more capable than you think.

Now...in terms of alanon. 3 C's - You did not cause this, cannot cure it, cannot control it. Wait for him to reach out or not. He has a higher power/God of his own and you are not it.

__________________


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

I know that is what I should do, but he is my brother.   His daughter has given up on him unless he gets treatment.  My younger brother has too.  I feel that the only one who cares is me and I believe he will drink himself to death if she does evict him.  He has many demons inside him.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 575
Date:

Worriedsick, I am so sorry for the turmoil going on in your life. I have been in your shoes and know the fear, dread and worry it churns up inside of me. I also had a brother whom was alcoholic. My parents for years tried to get him to get help to no avail. That did not mean that any of us stopped caring or loving him. It meant that we were all powerless over the disease of alcoholism. You can continue to love and support your brother yet take care of yourself too. Please seek out an Al-anon meeting for support for yourself. You have provided him with the information he needs regarding getting help. It is up to him what he does with that information. In my experience all of the countless talks, trips to see him, worry, stress and concern did not change the outcome. It is a terrible thing to watch someone we love destroy themselves. There is help for us though and it starts with reaching out like you have here. There is hope.
I also second pinks response in that it is not your responsibility to respond to the girlfriends text to get him out of the house. She is responsible for her own situation, and will need to come to her own conclusions as to what is best for herself in her life. Take care of you.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

If he really wanted not to be evicted, he could go into recovery.  That he does not suggests he would rather be evicted.  But maybe when she takes action, he will make a more positive decision.  Take good care of yourself.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Worried sick, was he/is he not drinking himself to death anyhow? Having the girlfriend has done nothing to curb his drinking. I absolutely validate your feelings. It is horrid, frustrating and gut wrenching to have a loved on committing slow suicide right in front of you and it "seems" like there is something you could or should do. But you can't....You can only suggest taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself (and alanon). This b**ch of a disease is trying hard to claim him. Try not to let it claim you. The people who have "given up" on him had reasons....probably good ones and it may or may not have been "giving up" on him so much as distancing themselves from his destructive disease. It is a terrible disease and situation. Prayers for you, him, and the rest of your family.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 20th of July 2016 04:17:24 PM



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 20th of July 2016 04:18:45 PM

__________________


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

I know that what the both of you are saying is true, but it is so hard and it hurts so much.  Thank you.  I will look into finding an Al-anon meeting



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Dear worried sick, welcome to Miracles in Progress. You have received many powerful responses and I would simply  like to add that I understand your concern and pain and that you can suggest to his girlfriend that she call 911 for assistance.  Asking that he be hospitalized as he is in danger and threatening suicide.

You as a sister living  another place are powerless over this situation. Please do search out alanon meetings and attend .

Positive thoughts and prayers on the way



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 373
Date:

Having a sibling who is an alcoholic us a really tough one. My younger sister has been an alcoholic for decades. She is certainly a functioning one. That wasn't akways the case. I worried about her children a great deal. Now her son is drinking. That is the hard part of this disease feeling the limitations. And I know fir me I am more than happy to make up scenario's in my mind of what my sister should do. My sister didn't get recovery. I did. I can't say my life has been easy. Certainly while I couldn't help my sister I tried to help other really active alcoholics I am always right uo against my limitations. On some level those limitations are a good boundary. I don't actually believe people stop caring. Indeed although I have not spoken to my sister in years the truth is I still love her and care about her. I know plenty of people who go to rehab. I would say a really low percentage continue onto sobriety. Maybe that isn't the case with everyone. There are certainly others who fly through sobriety and do really well. In al anon I have learned to love in a different way. I have learned to love myself too. If someone I know spends all their time using dope or drinking. I can love and care for them from afar. I don't have to be right there living and counting what'a coming down the line. Certainly the ultimate problem with many alcoholics is they due from the disease. I personally know people that happened to. An ex boyfriend of mine was one of them. Oddly enough I only stopped being angry at him when I heard he died. This disease can swallow us up. I am glad you have reached out and asked for help. Everyone deserves to have help around this dreadful disease. You deserve the best of help and I know personally there are people who have not let this disease of alcoholism destroy them. Oddly enough the one way you can help your brother is to the care of you. To equip yourself with the right tool box and most of all to surround yourself with people who know exactly what you are going through. Maresie

__________________
Maresie


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you Maresie. It is reassuring to know that there are many others who have similar experiences as mine. Our father died of alcoholism about a month before myself graduating college. It took me many years to understand this disease. The hard part for me is that I think my brother has truly given up, but from what others are saying, it isn't necessarily so, and maybe having the "girlfriend" kicking him out, it might make him hit rock bottom and finally reach out for help, or not. You are so right in saying that you still love your sister, I am the same with my brother. It's just so hard. Thank you again!

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 373
Date:

I certainly do love my sister and I think about her all the time. Unfortunately some of the ways she has brought up her children hit some very hot spots for me. Many of us who have grown up in chaotic homes have abandonment issues. Ineed it was the abandonment issues that kept me in many relationships that were to say the least toxic. That abandonment pain was so overwhelming that I would do anything to curb it. There is no way to say what it is that will prompt people to get help. Some people do hit bottom. Other people do not. I know if you will go to an open AA meeting there always people there who share how they got into recovery. No one is saying it is hopeless. One thing is for sure with or without recovery you need love, support, and a program to deal with your own feelings. Maresie

__________________
Maresie
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.