The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short, I have been in recovery from alcohol for 9 years and also an adult child of an alcoholic. Recently, I met a member of Aa who went on to become a dear friend, someone I learned to trust which has been huge for me. Our friendship took a romantic path shortly after I discovered some repressed memories, not knowing at the time I had fallen back into some old behaviors of sexing out. After a few days I realized this was not what I wanted. We had a conversation about me not being ready or wanting to move forward into a physical or romantic relationship, that I was just happy with a friendship. I found out 3 weeks later I was pregnant with my first child by a man I am not inlove with. The purpose of this is reaching out because I am afraid. He and our sponsor knows of me being pregnant and keeping the child. I have let the father know on multiple occasions this does not change the fact that I do not want to marry nor be in a relationship with him. It has proceeded down a semi dark path where he is constantly sending me articles on incest victims during pregnancy and that my hormones are affecting our relationship. I just want to run away from him. I feel alone in this and have no idea where to start with boundaries and detachment other than being able to tell him to stop meddling in my personal issues. He keeps mentioning what we had was real and wont let Up. I need some extra help with this one.
-- Edited by Startanew86 on Tuesday 19th of July 2016 08:48:26 AM
Congratulations on 9 years of recovery - it is good to have you with us.
I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it and can see why extra help would be good at this time, thank you for reaching out. I'm wondering if there are Alanon meetings in your neighbourhood?
I don't react very well when someone is overly insistent in their pursuit, especially if they are trying to shape my thoughts, so I can relate to your need for a bit of space. I can also see how it is possible that your friend would like to be involved so I kind of sympathise there as well.
This is your body, your life and your feelings. You have been friends before and I can see how that trust you built up could count for a lot. I am quite introverted so sometimes I have had to ask friends for a moment or two (or three or four) in which to have some peace and wrap my head around whatever is on my mind. I think better on my own and in my own time. And that is ok - I have grown used to this about myself, although some friends find it a bit challenging, especially when they are excited about something. But they are just being themselves and I'm ok with that as well. However, when someone is able to respect my need for space and can avoid telling me how or what to think I find my trust in them grows. So I guess that the question that comes to my mind is what do you need now and how would you like to see this all panning out? And then how would you express that to a friend?
Please excuse me if I have expressed myself inappropriately here, I am a little nervous about my message, so please know that it is meant with all good will. Really I just wanted to welcome you and to let you know that you are not alone. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 19th of July 2016 12:19:23 PM
For me this is an HP issue and I will turn issues like this over to my HP asking to be placed where HP wants me and then listening to be told what to do next. "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do" is my 3rd step prayer. You've done and inventory on this which is really good and the outcome of that inventory for now sounds right on. You have a sponsor and he has one the outcome of those sponsorship will also affect the fetus. I can only imagine what you are going thru mind, body, spirit and emotions right now and it sounds like you have retained your sanity. Keep coming back. (((Hugs)))
@milkwood:
Your reply was both understanding and helpful. Thank you for that! You helped me see where it feels very hard when someone is somewhat tampering in my feelings. I have had issues in the past with always trying to be perfect, yet never knowing I get to feel whatever it is I am feeling. My life has always been about seeking approval, and for the first time in a while I feel strong enough to follow my gut here, even if that means potentially hurting someone's feelings. I miss our friendship, that seems to have changed now welcoming the idea of pregnancy and a baby so suddenly. It's almost as if I feel trapped if that makes sense.
@jerry You are absolutely right. I have completely tried to take control back into my own hands becaus right now I am feeling extremely out of control! There's a baby, all the hormonal changes that come with that. I feel like there isn't much privacy left in my life. I just started to gain some independence then feel forced to feel a certain way about someone. I'm trying to trust God with this but then again don't know where to start.
It sounds like you are listening and trusting your instincts, hearing your feelings and feeling your strength. That sounds good.
I am reminded of when I was made redundant from work - I imagined that I heard a door slamming shut as I thought my career had ended, and then a picture came to my mind of a circular room with lots and lots of doorways in it and I realised that I was free to go through any of them as many times as I wanted to. I can still picture that imaginary room even though it was twenty years ago!
I found it a little bit scary, but also really liberating and empowering when I (fairly recently) started to drop my quest for the approval of others. I love that you feel strong.
Welcome to MIP Startanew - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am a huge believer in letting go and letting God - it has saved my bacon over and over and over again! Know too that if you ever feel as if he's truly crossed a logical barrier (you've already stated yours) that you can engage law as necessary. Taking care of ourselves includes using any/all appropriate resources available to keep our sanity and safety in place.
Keep coming back - congrats. on your 9 years - way to go!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Milkwood HP used the "room" metaphor with me also with awesome consequences for my recovery and although there are differences about the room the analogy was and is that I needed to get out of the room and out where I could see and experience more solutions. Thank you HP ...(((hugs)))
