Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Setting boundaries what is acceptable and what is not?


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:
Setting boundaries what is acceptable and what is not?


I find myself coming back.. Thank you again to all of you that offered service to me recently.. Following a day of quiet with my children yesterday I resolved my day by thinking about how I can change the things that are pressing at the moment. What is it that is causing me most frustration and why.. Here is my dilemma .. In the 18 months following AH relapse I quickly found myself attempting to control his drinking. For example it didn't take him long to return to his pre sobriety intake.. Maybe more.. He drinks daily at the end of each work day and all weekend when he returns home to us.. He has little time for us these days I am aware that I have to find the courage to start doing things outside of him and his needs. My issue is should I be purchasing his alcohol ready for the weekend. I have found myself in a position of adding his work crate and his weekend crate to my Friday shopping trip. This is due to the financial impact we have endured since he picked up. At first I resisted getting involved I felt that he should be aware of the amount of money he spends on alcohol. Unfortunately this ended up with him spending unconsciously without a thought to bills and rent or food for us. This is when I stepped in thinking that if I purchased his drink for all week work and weekend i could save us money utilising offers in the supermarket. (I also send him off to work with plenty of food/meals/comforts). This appeared to work initially but he has since increased his outgoings as well as taking the beer I have for him. What do I do? Anything or nothing? Is this a case of live and let live? Or is it acceptable for me to set boundaries, if so what and how do I go about this? I feel like a controlling mother instead of his wife. A couple of months ago I asked that he only drink on a Friday night when home and spend quality time Saturday and Sunday with us.. He agreed but has yet to follow through. Was I wrong to request this from him? Or is it demanding and negative to his health? I also find myself wondering what he is spending money on while he is away from home, I know he is smoking weed again, (I worry that he is also paying for other services, another pre sobriety addiction). I do not want to accuse or confront but I do worry about my own health if he is unfaithful.. I hope what I write makes sense and others may share positive guidance..

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

Anastasia, personally I found that, once I stopped trying to control my husband and son's drinking, it made life much easier for me. However I also established the very firm boundary that, while they indeed as adults have the right to drink, I as an adult have the right not to live with a drinker. If they drank again, I was leaving. Husband knew it, GOT IT, and stopped drinking. Son left with his family and now I have no idea how much he is drinking.

However, I am in the position to live independently . You have children to support.

One thing that struck me in your posting was that it was all about him and how you might be infringing on his rights and feelings. What about Anastasia's feelings? You should not have to be in the role of his mother. The load you are carrying alone is intolerable.

We are not supposed to give advice in al anon. And I have never lived in the circumstances that you are so my advice would not be valid if I did give it. But I do think you need support. Do keep coming back as there as many people here who have walked your road.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

These are definitely worrying things.  You probably know that boundaries can only work when they're about what we will do, not about what the A will do.  I also have experienced the truth that trying to monitor the drinking or be the A's mother just backfires and puts us in a bad position.  But your worries about him spending all the money are very valid.  My A spent every penny of his money, declared bankruptcy, spent every penny again, and declared bankruptcy again.  

My experience is that the most protective thing you can do in this situation is to separate your finances.  Possibly without him knowing, if it would set him off.  I don't know if you have your own income or if he is the breadwinner.  If he is the breadwinner, what I would do, if I were in your situation, would be to set some money aside each pay period in my own account.  So that if he spends himself into debt, there is still money to keep the children and you going.

It is very sad that you have to protect yourself from his bad choices.  But necessary.  Take good care of yourself.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1400
Date:

Anastasia, welcome. In my experience, it was my husband who came up with the idea that I would be the one to have control over the alcohol in the house. I performed this role diligently. Ultimately it was wasted effort. I believe he was sincere when he first made this plan ... after all, I was the one bothered by his drinking. But when the urge to drink took over, he found a way, and it was some time before I found out. That was devastating. I now realize all that effort to control was wasted time that I could have better spent on nurturing and strengthening myself.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Hi Anastasia,

Yes, doing things for your own well being is a great start. What do you like to do? I joined a local yoga group and it was marvellous - so relaxing and also sociable, even though my Italian is fairly hopeless!

I stopped buying alcohol but I guess that I was fortunate since my husband stopped drinking for a few weeks. If my husband wants to drink he can buy his own.

I started setting up my own plans for nice things to do at the weekend. I invited AH to join me and if he said no that was ok - but it didn't stop me from going on outings. My ambition was to have so much fun that he would come to know that he was missing out!! I don't know if that worked or not but I have fun anyway!

I'm not very good at boundaries but have discovered that it is acceptable for me to set boundaries about what I feel comfortable with - I don't even have to voice them, they are there for me. However, I have to be able to deliver on any consequences so I try to make sure that I am comfortable with the consequences as well as the boundaries. For example, I don't particularly want to render myself homeless. However my husband used to rant and I was becoming a nervous wreak and feeling like a bit of a doormat. I used to take myself off for a walk, go to another room, whatever, but these unpleasant things still came up from time to time. So the last time my husband shouted rude things at me I booked a holiday for myself. (Note that I said 'the last time' because he hasn't done it since. ) I felt no guilt about going on holiday without him; it was a consequence which had something in it for me and it demonstrated quite clearly that I did not want to be around rude behaviour. I quite miss those holidays now that he is being nicer!!

It is difficult not to behave like someone's mother when they are behaving like a child!!! But it is possible. I once saw a notice that said 'don't ask others to do things that you can do for yourself.' That worked for me so I started to 'make myself a little bit redundant' in the domestic goddess department!

Can you envisage how you would like your life to be? What parts of that do you have control over? I discovered that I had more control over my life than I thought.

Sending ((((hugs))))

PS Your last line about being repeatedly unfaithful would be out of bounds for me so it is difficult for me to comment. Feeling uncomfortable about health risks is an important issue and worth discussing, for instance I brought myself some condoms when my husband was unfaithful to me. However, my self esteem was also dented and that needs protecting too. (((((more hugs)))))



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:

I appreciate all your comments so much. I can see that I am very much dependent on him and crave his attention and praise. I have a long way to go on my path to recovery.. Lots of my fears are just that.. Based on what ifs.. What if this happens again or that.. How will I cope.. Not keeping it simple am I. I can't do anything to change him. I miss him and it is so surreal attempting a path that he once presented to me. Now it's sometimes like living with a stranger. I don't want to control I just want to find a simple way to live. I'm scared of what's ahead..

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

Sister there is so much to learn and so much information available to learn from..."The dilemma  of an alcoholic marriage" was only one of the very informative readers that I got and read and read over. You can find that book in conference approved literature.  Setting boundaries for yourself are usual personal value system behaviors and setting them for the alcoholic are challenges to the alcoholic pride and ego.  The consequences are very different.  My wife just recently floated an Al-Anon idea at  me regarding this issue..."Stay in your own hula hoop".  That is good advise and doesn't say that I must quit making good and safe decisions for me. 

Understanding Alcoholism is also very very important...knowing what it is and what it does and the chemical helped me to say "no" to my wife and family...it is a poison, a mind and mood altering chemical that affects everything it comes into contact with ...negatively.  It is anesthetic, diuretic, mind and mood altering, synergistic in relationship to other chemicals, it is chemical depressant and more...I learned to say no without shouting or anger and this supply store closed up without fear.  I use to be co-dependent with my family of origin and make booze runs to keep the supply up on volume...that became one of the first sincere amends I made to them. 

What is an acceptable boundary?....ask your value system.    ((((hugs))))     You are growing.  wink   



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:

Unbelievable how the mirrors suddenly become apparent when re reading what I have written .. Allowing me to see things I couldn't see in my moments of chaos..

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Yay!! It works when we work it!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

In my situation, I calculated what was required for living expense, and shared that with him. If we were short due to reckless spending, I let him decide who did not get paid. He really likes AC, Heat, Phone, Mobile, Internet & Cable - more than I, so it didn't take long for him to turn over the check to me. Overtime, we settled on a discretionary amount, and it wasn't argued, debated, etc. I put away $$ in an account with my name only - my cash stash - but it was my income. I would never be comfortable allocating funds from his job/check without allowing him input - including consequences.

So, I stopped trying to control him, the booze, the bills, the money, etc. and allowed life to happen. I certainly presented facts when necessary, but did it with kindness and compassion. I spent a ton of time/energy trying to make everything work and get everything taken care of in spite of him/the disease, and just decided I didn't want to any more. It was added stress and burden to me that could be shared.

But - your other post is telling - live in the moment. You don't have to fret about tomorrow, separate $$, bankruptcy, etc. today. Today is about boundaries. Boundaries are for self-protection. I was far more concerned about my joy and serenity than finances, as I am a capable, educated woman who knows how to live within or below my means. I also have countless friends who would take me (and my boys at the time) in, and I did establish scenarios. I have house keys to 5 different homes for the JIC - Just in Case. These were steps I could do to take care of me that were not punitive or projecting the worst.

My first few boundaries had everything to do with regaining 'me' back. I clearly stated that I would no longer argue or even discuss family issues unless all were clear-minded. I set up my 'me space' and asked that when I retreat there, I not be bothered. I shared that I would be shutting my phone/ringer off at 10pm each night to get better rest. I also let everyone in my home know they could make their own lunches for work/school. I told my boys that any laundry they wanted done needed to be dropped by xx on yy day, otherwise they could wash it themselves or it wouldn't be done that week.

So - I just looked at what I was doing that they could/should do for themselves and decided what I no longer wanted to do for them. I also looked at my values and stopped doing things that made me uncomfortable. I am sober so without a doubt I don't buy booze. I also have a sober home, so everyone who knows me knows to NOT bring booze/drugs into it. I am not a wallflower - I've sent kids home, my boys out, my husband to a hotel, etc. This has been a boundary longer than my boys have been alive so easier to live by/with.

Lastly, meetings and a sponsor were absolutely critical for me in learning how to set boundaries that were protective vs. punitive. On my own, I am quite certain they would not have been quite so 'graceful'....

It does work when you work it!!! HTH!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.